No Way To Spin It

I know what you're thinking.

"Oh, she's one of those."

Up at the crack of dawn.

Has to get exactly seven and a half miles in

before returning home to her perfectly decorated apartment,

where her gorgeous fiance is tying the Burberry tie

she bought him for his 28th birthday.

She must have one of those mid-sized designer dogs

from a breeder in Connecticut.

Oh, wait, she looks like kind of a cold bitch.

The dog would shit on the rug

and rub its dick on the couch cushions.

"She couldn't have that."

If that's what you're thinking, then I don't know.

Maybe you're not entirely wrong,

but there's more to life than just looks, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Are you fucking serious right now?

I'm so sorry, baby, but I can't be late to work again,

and, you know, I'm in a hurry and-

Yeah.

Oh my God, this just feels so good.

You're so... That's great.

That's great, it feels good for you, yeah.

What about me?

Oh!

Oh, that's hot.

Hey, how's your hip flexor doing?

Excuse me?

It was your hip flexor, wasn't it?

No, hamstring. That's what it was.

You don't remember me?

It's okay. It's okay.

It's not my first time.

You know, some people peak in high school,

and some people stay losers forever,

but, thankfully, I don't fall into either category.

Prospect Park, the 10K. God, that was months ago.

You pulled your hamstring on mile five.

I just tweaked it. It wasn't that bad.

If it wasn't that bad, why'd you fall to the ground

and get your hand stepped on?

Because I stumbled, and then I got shoved.

Sure, you did.

It's the truth!

Why'd you stop to help me up?

It's the least I could do after stepping on your hand.

That was you?

Might've been. Glad to see you've recovered.

Really, it wasn't a big deal.

I had a quick stretch and then I finished the race.

I probably passed you.

Unlikely.

Why is that unlikely? Because I'm-

- Because I looked all over for you at the end of the race,

and nothing.

I thought they had to send a gurney for you.

You know, I had this grand idea

that we'd meet at the end of the race

and fall madly in love and eventually go on a second date.

Well, that sounds lovely, but...

Oh, you got that for me? How did you know?

Two sugars, right?

Very funny. I'm engaged.

I was then, and I am now.

Well, you were cute then and you are now.

Okay, okay, I get it. It was nice running into you.

Take care.

You too.

You're supposed to wear a thong with that, bitch.

I am! Thank you!

Yeah, I could tell. Great ass day.

You think so?

Yeah, you must be warding off

all these stroller daddies with a stick.

No. Hey, hey, that was for David!

Explains the shit flavor.

Whose house were you at last night?

Was it the lawyer with the Porsche,

or the bartender with the Harley?

It was the dog walker with a skateboard.

Lovely.

I hope you took your birth control, and condoms too.

Don't worry. It was fine.

Think the next time you get engaged,

the guy could have a functioning elevator?

I'm sorry, Jaime,

but the comforts of my free-loading sister

weren't exactly at the top of my list

when David and I got together.

But "must hate Jaime" was. Interesting.

He doesn't hate you.

He happens to be very fond of you.

Mhm.

He thinks you're very smart

and have lots of potential.

I bet he does.

I bet he does what?

I bet he does want to double date with us tonight.

Am I the he?

Yes.

Wish I could.

I gotta go to Pittsburgh for the weekend, actually.

Leaving right after work.

And when exactly were you planning on telling me this?

Precisely right now. I just got the call.

See you later, Jaime.

I can't believe you were just gonna

sneak out for the weekend and not tell me.

Claire, baby, come on. We've talked about this.

This is my job, okay?

Sometimes, I gotta go away at a moment's notice.

I'm not doing it to offend you.

Okay?

I'm not offended. It's just, sometimes, you...

What?

Annoy me.

I annoy you by working my ass off? That annoys you?

No, I just...

No, you know what? Sometimes you annoy me too, Claire.

When are you gonna tell her?

I'm not sure.

She seems to be getting better,

but she's just not quite on her feet yet.

We can't keep enabling her, baby.

We've been more than generous. She needs to go.

So, either you tell her nicely, or she'll hear it from me.

Where's she gonna go?

She has a job, right?

Maybe she should spend a little less on blow

and a little more on rent.

I gotta get ready for work.

Call me when you land?

Yeah.

Fuck!

How can I be mad, and somehow still feel like the asshole?

So he's going away for the weekend. So what?

Are you supposed to spend, like,

every weekend for forever together?

You don't get it.

Nope. Guess I don't.

Where are you going?

I have errands to run.

Oh, okay. Well, do you wanna do something tonight?

I'm working, but you could come by if you want.

(traffic distantly rumbling) (birds chirping)

Holy shit.

Hey.

Jay, what the fuck are you doing here?

Sammy, I'm just stopping by, seeing how you were doing.

I actually think I left a pair of boots here.

You can't be here, and you broke in through the window.

Great.

I kind of had to. I don't have keys here anymore.

Sam the man!

I wish I was half as cool as you fucking think you are.

Thanks?

Ladies, may I? Oh.

Fuck!

That's better than sex, am I right?

With a guy, I mean.

Dude, you finished like all of it. What the fuck?

Yeah. Hey, don't we have any more coming or something?

No. We don't have more coming.

Oh, I had some oxy stashed around here somewhere.

We can get some of those going.

I'm not doing oxy.

I party on the weekend,

and I'm not trying to fucking ruin my life.

Pussy.

What did you just call me?

Nothing, nothing. I just had a little bit of coke drip.

Pussy!

I just, like, don't wanna take a little pill because-

- Okay, Jay, Jay, why don't you come with me? Come on.

Sam!

Oh, yeah, could you just, like,

be fun for two seconds in your life?

And you need to learn some fucking manners!

Jay!

How about you go fuck yourself?

Oh, hey, hey, hey. Sorry, okay, come on.

That could have left a bruise

and my husband doesn't beat me, but my roommate,

- yeah, she sure does. - Okay.

You need to go!

I live here!

Oh, not anymore.

Hello?

Yes, I locked myself in the bathroom at a party,

and there's a bunch of people doing drugs.

Yeah, they told me that if I don't have sex with them,

they're gonna ship me to Europe in a crate

or they're gonna kill me first.

A man showed me his penis!

Yes! Okay, I'm at 499 Irving Avenue, apartment 3B.

You really have to hurry. Uh-huh.