Corporate

Oh, I'll have a Bloody Mary. Thanks.

Oh, I wonder if the hotel has a pool.

Matt, no. I forbid you to go swimming.

This is the corporate retreat, not MTV's Spring Break.

Jake, this is the closest I've had to a vacation in years.

All I wanna do is have some fun

and maybe drunkenly say something

way too personal to a coworker that I'll always regret.

Matt, look. This weekend is about one thing:

forming superficial relationships with people

you can exploit in the future. It's called networking.

"Shirley Moser, SVP Marketing.

"Son banned from Wal-Mart

after Sudafed incident"? What is this?

It's everyone I met at last year's retreat.

Names, emails, and one dark secret per person

for possible future blackmailing.

Well, you're a well-organized sociopath.

If you're over 30 and don't have a spreadsheet

of everyone you've ever met, you're behind in life.

I'm so bad with names. And faces.

I have close friends whose names I don't know.

Oh, my God!

I knew it! I knew our pilot sucked.

He was too folksy on the PA.

Jake, I just want you to know that you're

my best friend... at work. You're my best work friend.

Oh, my God! I've wasted my whole life!

I forgive you.

Are we... okay?

Good news.

That crash you just experienced

was just a simulation.

Surprise! And our apologies if you were traumatized.

Fun fact: Coworkers who have co-survived

a near-death experience are more bonded

than coworkers who have not almost co-died together.

So, congrats! Oh, and if your final thoughts

weren't of Hampton DeVille, then you've got a lot

of work to do this weekend. Happy retreat!

Hello, and welcome, Hampton DeVillionaires...

To the first day of the rest

of your corporate lives.

Now, go ahead, put your hands together

for "Inside Trader" magazine's

most motivating motivational speakers

of 2012, 2013, and 2K-16...

Jeff and Gretchen Palmer!

Re-certivity!

Re-turbulation.

Acrownting.

Analystix.

- Constanceuance. - Inter-trans-deviation.

Sporg.

None of those words made any sense, right?

But you listened to them. Why?

Because we said them with confidence.

That's not funny.

Just laugh. If you pretend to be brainwashed,

they can't brainwash you.

"Team." That's a real word, isn't it, Jeff?

That's right, Gretch. In fact, every corporation

is kind of like a team, right?

Hell, every marriage is like a team, right, hon?

And my husband Jeff and I are the ultimate team.

Do you wanna know why?

Do you want to know why?

Because we are total...

AHOLEs!

That's right!

"Alphas Who Only Like Excellence."

That's what we are, and that's what you can be.

Who out there, Hampton DeVille, wants to be an AHOLE?

Come on! Anybody?

What are you doing? Never participate.

Hey, how about you? All right, this guy!

All right, look at this big, tall giraffe.

Okay?

Tell everyone your name, you big, tall giraffe.

Uh, it's Matt.

Human being, not a giraffe.

All right. Hey, took a lot of courage

to volunteer like that, Matt.

Oh, yeah, no. I mean, all I did was raise my hand.

It's not rocket science, right?

Okay, Matt. Um, let's go ahead,

and let's do a little hypothetical.

Let's say you're at a restaurant, and you find

a little hair inside of your food.

How do you handle that situation?

Oh, I mean, I'd probably just take the hair out

and still eat the food.

I don't sweat the small stuff.

- Oh. - Wow.

Wow. That truly is amazing.

Let's applaud for that. That's amazing.

Yeah, yeah. That's amazing. You know why it's amazing?

'Cause I've never seen raw human dog shit talk.

- What? - Whoa, he keeps making noises!

This is some talkative dog shit.

Seriously, Matt.

I mean, you must really think of yourself as

unflushed toilet water to think that you deserve

to eat food with hair in it.

I think that it is clear to me,

to my baby Jeff, to everyone in this room,

that you are a very weak person.

Would you agree with that statement?

No, I don't think so.

Wrong answer, toilet giraffe.

But guess what? We are gonna mold you

from a weak pile of dog shit into an...

- AHOLE! - Yeah!

Yeah! Come on, guys.

Am I a weak person?

Well, you're definitely weak.

I don't know if you're a person.

I just always thought of myself as confident.

You think I'm confident, right, Jake?

- No. - Okay, that's fair.

Now let's get dressed.

We're going to the networking mixer.

I'm not really in a networking mood.

The whole company thinks I'm a toilet giraffe.

I think I'm just gonna go to the pool.

Nobody's ever in a networking mood.

It's just something we do to survive,

like lying to your therapist.

Now let's go trick some people into liking us.

Oh... Okay.

And how's that lovely girlfriend of yours, Seth?

And how's that adorable son of yours, Connie?

And how's your prostate, Jerry?

And how's that adorable little daughter of yours, Melanie?

Dead. And my name is Julie.

Do you guys like politics, or...

Do you wanna network with me?

- Great. - You know what, never mind.

I'm sorry, I don't know why I'm apologizing so much,

but I've been saying sorry to a lot of people tonight.

Hopefully we can be business partners, or...

We can stay in touch. We'll stay in touch.

I'll put you in an Excel spreadsheet.

Nice talking to you, Tim,

and good luck with your worm farm!

Hey, my contacts!

Pssh. Bill Patterson? He'll give his card

- to the bathroom attendant. - Well, I have a comprehensive

Excel spreadsheet with over 500 names, emails,

and personal details, so I think I know how to network.

Excel, huh? That's cute. I use Google Docs myself

'cause I'm actually serious about networking.

"Jake Levinson, Junior Executive in Training."

Pleasure to meet you.

"Natasha Riggs, Junior VP of HD Analytics." Same.

I'd love to keep in touch, Natasha.

Are you trying to network with me?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

I didn't know you laugh.

I do. Hey, I'll have another piña colada.

- Make it two. - You know, John, it has

been great to get to know you outside the office,

- get to know the real you, et cetera. - Yeah.

Along those lines, here's an idea...

and I'm open to discussion on it.

- Okay. - What if we fucked?

Huh. Well, that's interesting.

I'm definitely open to the idea.

Should we maybe make a list of pros and cons?

Oh, yeah. Excellent suggestion.

- Great. - Okay, here's a pro.

Retreat sex is the best sex.

True. Pro: Sex between us could be

- a team-building exercise. - True.

Now here's a con.

Sex could be the biggest mistake

- of our lives. - Oh, for sure.

Excuse me, bartender? Excuse me.

Bartender! Bourbon, neat,

and a vodka soda with two limes for my lady. Thank you, sir.

Oh, hey, Matt. Didn't see you there at all.

Do you want something from the bar?

I've got the bartender's attention.

Guess I'll take a whiskey.

Whiskey, please. For my friend.

Hey. Sorry for singling you out back there before.

I know that can feel pretty embarrassing,

but it really is a good thing.

First step to being a fully confident human being

is to be truly ashamed of yourself.

We're actually throwing a seminar tomorrow

for the highers-up.

If you want to join, there's an open slot.

Why? So you can call me "dog shit giraffe" again?

Uh, no, probably not.

Look, there is something truly great in you.

You just gotta tap that potential.

Seminar's tomorrow at 9:00 a.m. by the swimming pond.

Let's pretend this is a safe space.

Sharing intimate secrets with coworkers can