Abbott Elementary

Aardvark. Armadillo.

Ant. Anteater.

Now that I'm doing my fellowship at the district,

there's a rotation of substitutes

who are teaching my class while I'm gone.

I like to pop by and see how they're doing

whenever I happen to be at Abbott.

Just some quick, light-touch check-ins,

you know, just to show support.

They hardly even know I'm here.

Jessca: Alpaca. Alligator.

My kids are so bored, they're moshing to

"I'm a Little Teapot." When can we go back in?

And what you tsk'ing at, Tsk'in' Teagues?

Ugh, just -- I mean, look -- look at this.

My kids are just meandering. You know what I mean?

You know, she's not even using the buddy system. I -- Mm...

What even set off the alarm?

Don't look at me.

Church or home are the only places my candles are lit.

What's not lit is another call from Abbott.

At least it's not a full fire this time.

Mm. Just some smoke.

Seems like someone lit a cigarette

in one of the boys' bathrooms. What?!

Cigarette? What?

Seriously, who still smokes cigarettes?

Single dads, criminals...

Morton. Where is he?

Probably lightin' up in a back alley behind a Dumpster.

Scumbag.

We got him. Melissa sniffed him out.

Oh, yeah. You got menthols, you can run, but you can't hide.

One whiff, and I am 14 again...

thinkin' I'm gonna wait a couple years

before I try one of these.

That would only make you 16.

Smell always reminds me of my uncle.

Oh, my aunt used to sit in a chair with a cig

and a glass of Pinot Grig and recount "Moonlighting" to me.

Yeah, my uncle used to do the same thing,

except it was scotch and the Phillies game the night before.

Mm.

Childhood. Childhood.

Nah, but this is a real problem. Gregory: Mm-hmm.

Janine: Yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

Where did you even get a cigarette?

Yeah, what you, a French child?

The guy around the corner sold it to me for a dollar.

A dollar? Inflation is crazy.

But you are in big trouble, because cigarettes are banned.

Not on any of the signs I saw.

What?

On the school's website, we got "no skateboarding,

no vaping, no loitering, no horseplay, no weapons,

no open flames, no bullying, and no gambling."

That last one's just for students, though, right?

There's nothing here about cigarettes.

Did y'all find anything?

Uh, well, I saw a sign in the hallway that said "no,"

but whatever was under it was graffitied over.

Yeah, that was a "no graffiti" sign.

The e-mail from the top of the year lists everything --

and I mean everything -- including bringing a live spider

to school is grounds for expulsion,

but it definitely doesn't list cigarettes.

Fidget spinners -- banned.

Cigarettes just seem to have evaded every sign we've seen.

Wait. So many new hazards have come out

that we forgot to put cigarettes on the ban list?

Gee willikers, I have nothing helpful to say,

so I guess I'll just restate the problem that we're all aware of.

That's you. Yeah, I got it.

Besties! Let's finish up those worksheets

so we can move on to adjectives.

Jessca, do I need to capitalize the names of the states?

The only human needs are water, food, shelter, and music.

But don't worry about that right now.

Just focus on getting your worksheets done.

Ooh. I'm sorry.

You actually do need to capitalize the names of states,

because that's the correct thing to do for proper nouns.

Right? Don't want to build bad habits.

Hi. I'm Janine. Jessca.

Oh, it's nice to meet you, Jessica.

Jessca. There's no "I." Jess...Ca.

Who are you again?

Oh, sorry.

I'm Miss Teagues. This is my classroom.

Oh! You're back.

Friends, looks like I'm at the end of my time here.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I was just popping in to say hi to them.

That's it. Everyone say hi to Janine!

All: Hi, Janine!

Oh. Uh, no, guys, it's Miss Teagues,

with a capital "T" because it's a proper noun.

Is there a reason why we're abandoning

all the rules of grammar? Oh, in the first worksheet,

I like for the kids to write as freely as possible.

Mm. And, uh, we'll tackle

capitalization later.

Thank you so much for stopping by.

Bye, Janine. Oh, see, it's the way

he said that just now is what I'm trying -- Mm-hmm.

Alright. Let's get back to it.

How could cigarettes not be banned?

Yeah, somebody really missed the mark on that one.

I know my fit is going off today, but don't look at me.

I blame...Janine.

What are y'all even doing down there at the district?

Shuffling papers? Doing the Jubi Slide?

The children are smoking. What's the Jubi Slide?

Oh, it's when you put one foot down,

and you kind of move in the opposite direction --

I do not want to live in a world

where white people explain dance moves to me.

You know, I just don't get it.

You know, I thought we beat cigarettes

with the Truth Campaign.

It's just so retro.

Well, maybe they're getting cool again.

I mean, clogs are back. Anything's possible.

Yes. Well, yes, but there are some cool clogs.

I just can't believe that children are smoking ragweed.

I know. Don't they know that smoking kills?

Mm. Jacob, you literally vape.

Okay, that's different. That --

Yes, in that it's worse because you can vape anywhere.

You vaped all through "Saltburn."

You're inhaling thousands of toxins. Yuck.

Yeah, well... Janine smokes weed every day.

No.

Damn, Afroman.

Nope. Not every day.

Every night.

Janine.

Reefer. Ganja.

The Devil's Lettuce.

That's why your feet so big.

I-It's medicinal, and -- and it's considerate.

If I didn't smoke, I'd be an insufferable Energizer Bunny.

What a twist. Janine is quietly off that loud.

Ava, you can't talk, okay? You a hookah head.

Mm-hmm. Facts. And microdosing.

I just eyeball it and say, "Yeah, that's enough."

Now, I don't smoke,

but I do enjoy a protein-bar edible on the weekends.

You know, research actually shows --

Wow. This man just made drugs boring.

I suggest that you all drop your vices

and take a hit of my drug of choice --

J-E-S-U-S.

Street name, Christ.

Uh, you've been known

to demolish those little bottles of Chardonnay.

And you snort that liquid marijuana.

You don't snort it. It is CBD oil,

and I rub it on my joints.

It's a gateway ointment.

Your lungs are dust.

Crackheads. Speaking of joints,

you ever submerge yourself in the essence of --

Oh, duh-duh-duh-duh, shh. Don't finish that sentence.

Frankincense and rosemary.

I bathe in it while I hit a blunt.

Gotcha. Okay. I --

Gotcha. Whew, so glad we found you.

Um, you may or may not have heard some chatting earlier,

that may or may not have been by the teachers,

about, you know, some topics

that you may or may not know enough about to parse.

What? Baby, what'd you hear up in the lounge?

That the teachers are all dope fiends.

Okay, now, that was an adult conversation between adults.

That also didn't happen. We were just joking.

Why didn't anybody laugh?

'Cause Janine isn't funny.

Okay, listen, I'm gonna level with you,

'cause I know you're a smart kid --

I am. Or at least that's what my teachers say.

But maybe they didn't mean it. Since they were high.

Okay, alright, I think the point

is that you overheard our conversation,

which wasn't meant for you,

so maybe it should just stay right here.

If it makes y'all feel better,

it can stay here physically. Okay.

But, digitally, it's up on every platform.

I posted it everywhere immediately.

-Ohh! -Ooh.

Respect.

Gotcha.

So, the Dust Bowl, named after --

Is that what the inside of your car looks like

when you're vaping, Mr. C.?

Look, I-I want to make something very clear.

No one should be talking about, or doing, any drugs, okay?

Except for the teachers, huh?

This man is a hypocrite.

Oh, you just got smoked, Mr. C.