Trevor Wallace: Pterodactyl

Trevor Wallace! Clap your hands!

Yo! Are you having one of those, like, deep-in-thought moments

before your little comedy special?

Oh! No! No, I was just...

Apparently, my old art teacher started an OnlyFans.

- Miss Stone? - Miss Stone.

- Yo. - Trevor! You're on in five.

Five minutes, guys. You're gonna crush it.

- Five minutes! - Wish I had five minutes with her.

Does she still have that [gurgling sound] and that ?

Yeah, Dude. Call me, Mr. Stone

'cause I'm bricked up down there.

T, two minutes. Two minutes, okay?

Two! Two, two, two! Two minutes!

That was quick.

- Maybe three minutes is quick. - My ex was right.

T.-Wall, you got an hour.

Hey, everybody, just chill the fuck out, man.

- Do you, Trev. - He's drunk.

Scratch out, motherfucker! You're on now!

- Now? - On, now. Yeah! Sit down!

- Go, go! - Now? Right before. Geez! What?

For real! This happening. now!

- I need my notebook. - What the movie?

Has anybody seen my notes?

You freaking chill out.

I'm not smoking on your notes.

I'm toking on your jokes.

Ha! You're having a special? Just like your outfit.

A special from what?

Nordstrom rack.

You should take that Nordstrom back.

Did somebody say "rack"?

- Boobs? - Tits?

Those are "woogahs"!

- You guys done yet? - Can we find some bitches in here?

- Respectfully. - Find God.

Dude, chill out and hit my vape.

[Trevor[ I'm coming!

Ladies and gentlemen,

go absolutely insane for...

Trevor Wallace!

Let's go, dude. Why do your hands feel like lotion, dawg?

What in the fucking top gun is going on, dude?

Austin, Texas. How we feeling tonight, huh?

Yes, sir.

Yes. Dude, it's good to be here, man.

I knew I wanted to pick this place.

Texas is a special place, man.

That's enough. I think it is, uh...

I love this place.

So many characters out there.

I saw this dude. He had a mask and a mullet.

And I was like, I feel you gotta pick a lane, you know, that's a...

that's a one or the other scenario right there.

You can't be like, "I'm scared of Covid...

But I'm not scared to raw dog my wife

in the back of a Ford F-350, I'll tell you what.

But it's always good to see my dad.

So...

I knew I wanted to pick Austin for a special.

It's a fun city. It's got a mix of everything, man.

A lot of characters out here.

A lot of characters, right?

Checking in at the hotel, right?

As we're checking in, this dude sees me right and his eyes light up.

And he goes, "Oh, shit. Trevor Wallace,

I didn't know you lived here."

I don't think dude knows how hotels work, you know?

Just no fucking idea, dude.

And he worked there. What an idiot.

Dude, what the hell?

I do think it's beautiful, but nobody warns you when you,

you know, come here for the weekend not to stay at Sixth Street.

Nobody tells you that.

Sixth Street is just a live Grand Theft Auto map.

It is insane.

Just scooters and shooters.

That's all it is.

You guys clap for that?

Hell, yeah. Hit that fun.

You're all doing drive-bys on the birds, dude.

Fuckin' limes and Lugar's, dawg, out here.

Birds and Beretta's hugs.

It's insane. The behavior, dude.

Today I saw a guy honk at an ambulance.

I didn't even know you could do that, dude.

Where are you at in life

where you're like, "No, you shut the fuck up, okay?

No. All right, enough with the wee-wee-woos.

All right?

We all have our own internal wee-woos. Go to therapy.

Figure it out."

But that's Texas, baby. You know?

You guys got guns and gas stations, brother.

You should be proud of it.

Dude, I went to my first Buc-ee's the other day.

Electric dude.

You say the word Buc-ee's three times fast in a mirror,

you just turn into his stepdad.

It is electric.

The whole place just smells like Mountain Dew and neglect.

I love that place.

Everybody watching at home.

You've never been to Buc-ee's. You've never been to Texas.

You've got to go to. It's so unique, right?

You can get anything there, dude. It's one of the only places in the world

where you can get Copenhagen and home decor, you know,

What I love about the home decor is it's almost wholesome, right?

Like it's almost sincere, right?

You start reading it with good intentions, you know?

It's like, "Yeah, I love my wife...

when she shuts the fuck up."

Some of you guys are like, "Yeah, I have. that one. It's fire."

You said you worked there. Where's that Buc-ee boy at?

You? Are you the beaver?

I don't know. He got a lot of scrub, dawg.

You been getting that beaver working there?

What's up? All right, all right.

Why are the bathrooms so clean?

What the fuck is going on in there?

The janitor's just coked up. "Missed a spot. Missed a spot."

Answer me!

Why are they so clean?

- Somebody works it 24/7. - Huh?

Somebody works it 24/7.

Somebody works it 24/7.

Yeah, that's methamphetamine, dawg.

Twenty-four hours a day.

The second you shit, he pops out of the toilet.

"I got you. I got you. I got you."

"I got you. I got you." You don't need a bidet.

That's just Enrique.

I love doing shows in Texas.

I've been touring a bunch to get ready for this special.

I've been all over, man, and I just got back from the Midwest

and I feel like we don't really need that place anymore.

I don't know about... Hear me out.

I was born in Illinois. Let me talk to my shit.

But, dude, I was out there, dawg, and I just saw a flock of Amish.

Bro. I spent the rest of my life in California.

You can't just throw an Amish at me, not expect me to lose my shit, dude,

It's like seeing a damn Pokemon out there, you know?

Gotta catch them all.

Do not catch the Amish.

Highly illegal.

But you could just get a Duracell and you'll win, you know?

I've never seen an Amish live before.

Dude, it's like seeing your teachers outside of school.

You're like one of us shouldn't be here.

I don't know.

I didn't know what to do. Right.

So I did what any stupid influencer would do.

I pulled out my phone, started taking photos of the Amish.

Right? I start posting these photos on my Instagram story,

not thinking anything of it.

I started getting all these messages, right.

Not one, not two, but multiple messages being like, "Dude, you can't

take photos of the Amish.

It's illegal to take photos of the Amish.

You're not allowed to take photos of the Amish."

And I'm looking at these messages

and I'm like, "Yeah, but how the fuck would they know? How the fuck?"

The people with no phones.

How the fuck would they know, huh?

What are the pigeons snitching on me? "Check your Instagram."

How the fuck would they know?

They don't have phones. They have polio.

How the hell would they?

I don't know. I didn't do much research on them.

But, again, they're not gonna see this special anyways.

I thought like... Shit, but, man, I'm jealous of the Amish.

They got to figure it out. No electronics. That's gotta be nice.

You know, no phone.

Ever try to do a day without your phone on some wholesome shit?

It gets dark quick, you know?

Because that's what it is. When your phone is dead,

that's the real you right there.

When your phone is dead, you have to spell the word "pterodactyl" without using Siri.

That's the real you right there.

You ever seen the word "pterodactyl" typed out?

Dude, that shit looks like a strong-ass password.

It is insane.

Even Google is like, "You got to wake up Jeeve's old ass for that shit."

The word "pterodactyl" looks like Floyd Mayweather trying to spell "potato."

It's a strong...

And he can beat my ass.

But I can spell "February."

I can. I can.

I don't like how much I'm on my phone.

Yeah, sure, it's part of my job, but like I don't like how much.

It's all muscle memory. That's what it is, right?

It's all muscle memory.

Why we check it. We don't even tend to check it.

We just check it. We always check whenever we stop doing anything, right?

Walking, talking, driving.

That's why I hate when you stop next to a cop at a red light.

Because you've got to act like you weren't about to go on your phone.

You know?

Because you're just sitting there like a fucking Sims character.