Sue Perkins: Perfectly Legal

It was at this moment, this precise, exact moment,

when I realised that the whole thing

had been a very naive, very stupid mistake.

You see, it's all very well saying

you feel boxed in by rules and conventions,

how you feel stale.

How you want to learn to be free again, to have an adventure,

let your guard down.

Do things you never would do, never could do at home.

Things that wouldn't even be legal to do at home.

Of course, you say that you want to drink all day,

stay out all night,

take drugs, dance, swim, run, fly, float,

be free.

But then you find yourself stood in a warehouse

in the backstreets of Bogotá

and there's a total stranger stood opposite you,

and he's pointing a loaded gun in your face.

And you think, "This was a shit idea."

So, Sue, tell me where you're at.

Uh, I am middle at the moment, I'm middle-aged,

I'm middling, I'm medium fat, I'm semi-tired.

I'm a 50-year-old,

and I am genuinely frightened about becoming staid and fixed.

That's my biggest fear, is being stuck.

So, where we going now?

Well, Chris, I've arranged to meet up

with some local comedians in each country who will show me around.

Right now, I'm gonna meet a woman called Liss,

who is a super-famous, brilliant comic here in Colombia, Bogotá.

And she's gonna show me the ropes and challenge me,

and possibly leave me for dead

tied to a tree in the middle of a mountain range.

-Hola. Hey, Liss. -How are you?

-Nice to meet you. -How's it going? You too.

-Fine. -What is this?

This is a traditional, like, tejo court.

Tejo is our "national sport" if I say it like that.

So this is your national sport?

- -

Are you okay?

Sweet God!

You know what, if you're not drunk, maybe you won't enjoy it.

This game is for drunk people.

Santé. Cheers.

Take this.

Oh, dear.

- What number's that? -Four.

Absolutely battered.

Shall we play?

- -

- That circle is called the bocín. - Okay.

If you get just in the middle, you win more points.

-That's when the big bang goes off? -Yeah.

So it's basically like bowls, but with explosions.

Of course, it's Colombia.

I'm getting to the point where I can hardly even see the circle.

- -

This never happens!

- I can't believe it! -Yes!

-This has never happened! - I can't believe it!

I have never been picked for a sporting team.

I have never achieved anything.

I'm really good at blowing shit up when I'm drunk.

I never saw that in my life.

It never happens!

Not just for me, but for generations of Perkins going back.

All of them, physical failures.

Frontline grunts who failed...

This is my town.

Did you like tejo, Sue?

-I love tejo. -You're tejo queen now.

Only sport I've ever been good at.

- You know why you were good? - No.

'Cause you had shots with me.

How do you say "more alcohol" in Spanish?

- More alcohol. -

More alcohol.

You don't even make faces any more.

No, because I've got facial paralysis thanks to the alcohol you've given me.

Did you try this?

What is it? Is it pork?

No, it's pork skin.

-But that's worse than pork. -No, it's delicious.

It's got hairs sticking out.

No! It doesn't have hairs.

You know, we wax it.

You wax the pig before you kill it?

Of course, we used to give, you know, aguardiente to the pig before we kill him.

What kind of pig gets waxed before slaughter?

You shave and, you know, relax the pig.

I don't want to drug a pig and shave it.

Why are you here?

I didn't realise that was the prerequisite for coming to Colombia

that you have to wanna drug and shave a pig.

-No, it's not like that. -Because you guys are like...

In Europe, when people think of "fun," they think of Latin America

and of South America.

Is that what this place is like?

Kind of. I mean, the country has changed a lot

since I was little to now.

I do stand-up comedy and we laugh about how fucked up is our history.

Such a violent era, the '80s, when I was growing up.

I think the best time is yet to come here.

I see things changing and I like it.

Is this the place to be if I want to bend the rules?

Yeah, of course. Flexible.

-Flexible rules, I like. Okay. -Yeah!

Tequila for the lady.

I don't want a bottle of tequila or I'll die tonight.

Let's go dancing, no?

Come here.

I need you to meet my mates.

Carolina.

Martín.

Coqueta!

I don't know who he is.

I'd been in Colombia for eight hours,

and I'd spent seven-and-a-half of those drinking heavily.

I was in the largest gay club in Latin America

surrounded by thousands upon thousands of wildly beautiful Colombians.

And I was gloriously, horribly, beautifully, disgustingly drunk.

Of course, there was nothing about this I couldn't do in London.

I hadn't learned anything about myself by getting shit-faced.

But I was definitely having fun again.

- Morning. -Oh, God.

How are you feeling?

How do you think I'm feeling? What time is it?

It's about 9:30.

What? 9:30?

I went to bed four minutes ago, what do you want?

- Breakfast? -No.

This is what they do for damaged children like me

who've just gone out and got absolutely smashed in a foreign country.

The good news is I can still spell Bogotá.

Let's put a star there because it's the capital city.

My memories of the evening are sketchy, if I'm honest,

but I do remember one very important thing which is this... tejo.

Imagine spending a life where you're never picked for a netball team,

and you were overlooked for every single sporting endeavour,

and you suddenly step up to a clay board filled with gunpowder

and you smash it in the first instance. The crowd goes wild.

Tejo.

- -

I also went to...

Theatron.

Let's do a lady there.

She's spinally not great. She might need to see the osteopath.

So I met Martín, Carolina and Coqueta.

Not to be confused with croqueta, which is ham and cheese.

The whole night is a bit sketchy.

I remember some sort of donkey knob in a glass cabinet.

Did I eat it?

I don't think so.

What do you mean? That's not definite enough.

You didn't eat it.

I don't believe you now. You looked shifty. You looked away.

So, how are you feeling today?

Rough.

- Like, hungover? - Super hungover.

- That's guaro. - Yeah, I'm a completely guaro now.

You're the tejo queen. You're fearless.

Yeah, I loved the explosions and the madness.

-You wanna have more fun? -I do!

What are we doing?

-Uh, you're getting shot today. Yes. -What?

You know, like...

Here's the thing, I don't like guns.

I'd go as far as to say I'm 100% anti-gun.

It's gonna be safe. Don't worry.

Can I just say that shooting is famously not safe.

The point as Liss explained was to experience danger to test my limits,

find the line or some such.

-Are you gonna do this in London? -No!

Why did you come here?

The problem is, I don't do danger.

I specialise in making elaborate and not entirely effective puns,

mainly on baking shows.

Not getting shot.

- It'll be funny. -Yeah, for you.

-Yeah. -Because no one is going...

No! You're gonna be safe. You're tough, right?

- Yeah, I'm super tough. - What are you saying?

God, I don't know why they made me meet you.

Is that a real gun?

-Yes, it's a real gun. -Okay.

But it's empty.

- Now it's empty. But real. - It's empty.

These are illegal in my country.

In my country, it's illegal too.

You need a licence but here in the factory,

we are okay to have them.

So, I was not expecting a warehouse.

I don't know what I was expecting. What is this?

We are manufacturing one million bulletproof vests,

and that is all the bulletproof clothing that we can manufacture.

Some of it is very stylish. Which one are you gonna get me in tonight?

This one.

Oh, lovely, the Nazca.

Why did you get into this business? What motivated you?