Drive-Away Dolls

Yeah.

- -

Another glass of…

Rosé?

No. The hour is long past.

Check.

Check!

The case, Santos.

My case. Stand back!

Do not advance!

The case, Santos.

Halt! Evildoer.

The case, Santos.

Not on your life, waiter.

Oh, God.

Go.

- Oh, Jamie! -

Neither Sukie nor Jamie are here right now. Leave a message.

Hey, Jamie. Are you there?

Just wondering, are you and Sukie going to shot night tonight?

Oh, my God!

I don't want to be stuck there not knowing anyone. Maybe Carla's going.

- Do you know if Carla's going? - Are you going?

Anyway, call me if you would.

Come on, back to mama.

Hope you and Sukie are doing well. Miss you, friend. It's Marian.

Hey. Marian.

Hi, Bart.

Say, what are you doing tomorrow night?

There's a Phish concert.

- What? - Phish concert.

Great jam band, at the Civic Center.

- Yeah, oh, I… - P-H.

I know how to spell Phish.

Yeah, of course. I didn't mean to…

- You know, I just meant... - I'm sorry, I have an engagement.

Okay. Bummer.

Didn't mean to, you know…

That's fine.

Anyhoo, what about…

Please don't use that expression.

- What expression? - "Anyhoo."

It's not an expression.

What is it?

A word.

Please don't use that word.

Okay. You free Wednesday?

Plus, it's not even a word. Not really.

Okay, sure. Free for dinner Wednesday?

There's a new place near me, Montana's.

It's very good.

Yeah, the food is trendy, but it's super gourmet.

No, I have an engagement Wednesday.

Okay, huh. Wednesday too.

People don't usually call them "engagements."

Do I tell you how to speak?

Yes.

The fact remains.

The engagement.

That's right.

- -

Oh, my... Oh, my God.

My God!

Neither Sukie nor Jamie are here right now. Leave a message.

Jesus, Marian, don't call me during sex. Yes, I am going tonight.

"During sex"?

- Hi, Sukie. - Wow.

- Who? Here? - Yes, there.

Oh, no one's here, babe.

- I was just masturbating. - Uh-huh.

- Me time. -

Let me turn the video down.

No.

- What? - No.

No what, Carla?

You're not wearing that.

- I just came from work. - I came from Toledo.

I don't dress like it.

- Is Jamie here? - Okay, look.

Keep the coat on. Take the shirt off underneath.

And flaunt my breasts? I'm not here to peddle my wares.

Why else would you be here?

To socialize.

- Hello, girls. -

All I hear lately is "Y2K, Y2K."

But Jamie Dobbs is here to say…

Why not 2K?

New millennium, bring it on.

Hell yeah.

It's the last body shot competition of 1999 here at Sugar 'n Spice,

and Jamie is last month's winner, so we are gonna salt you up.

Show us where the first lick goes, babe.

So, first lick…

Here.

- God, look at that slut. - Hi, Sukie.

Don't put that woman in front of a crowd with a microphone.

- And then… - Well, she likes to entertain.

…second lick.

Take it off! Take it off!

Here.

And then she gets this reinforcement.

- And then third lick… - Do you know who she's fucking?

I don't know that she's seeing anyone. She's seeing you, of course.

Can I have your shirt?

Here.

- She's a free spirit. I admire her. - Huh.

Free. Yeah, that's the problem.

Put a meter on her pussy, we could all retire!

That's not fair, Sukie.

And a lime wedge… right here!

Pull that out!

That is not a public receptacle!

- Somebody's gonna get hit. - Oh, hi, Sukie.

- -

I've had it with love.

I know bards and troubadours are high on it,

but I don't believe it's relevant to the modern 20th,

soon-to-be 21st century lesbian.

Here are some carrots. Those peas are thawed.

- This right here is what it gets you. - Mm-hmm.

So I've hatched a plan, my friend.

If you'll come help me move my shit out of Sukie's tomorrow…

I'm not getting in the middle of that. I have my own problems.

What problems?

Internal.

- Internal? - Yes.

I don't know how else to put it. Problems with what I feel internally.

How can you have internal problems?

You got your ass all bricked up.

I'm not certain, honey darling, that you have ever

reached deep inside any orifice to scoop out your soul

and fling it shamelessly at a fellow human being

and humiliate yourself and grovel and weep

and feel your ego completely disintegrate,

otherwise known as "the glory of love."

Please don't eat those peas.

Now, my plan is, you come help me pack, and then we two...

I can't. I'm leaving town.

What? I am too. That was my plan. Where are you going?

Tallahassee, Florida.

Why would anybody go to Tallahassee, Florida?

My Aunt Ellis lives there.

Can't she move?

Tallahassee is very nice.

It's not glitzy and gross like Miami. It has live oak and Spanish moss.

Me and Aunt Ellis go to the St. Marks Wildlife Preserve.

There's good birding.

Birding?

How have I missed out on this?

It's very pleasant.

So you just came up with this wild hair in your ass to bird.

I've been unhappy,

and I'm starting to snap at people at work,

and it's not fair to them.

I'm only impatient with myself.

Well, we can fix that.

We'll have you running right in no time.

That's why we take this trip together, honey babe.

We get our shit together, together.

See, I was gonna take some time off,

get a drive away, just go potluck anywhere.

Now you can come with me, and we can go to Tallahassee and bird.

- What's a drive away? - Free, one-way rental.

You deliver the car to wherever some client

of the drive away company wants it,

if they got one going near your destination.

I don't know if you'll like Aunt Ellis.

Are you kidding? A birder?

I'll wear my great big old straw hat,

and she is going to L-O-V-E, love me.

You know how parents and such love me.

They think I got charisma.

"Oh, Marian, who's your loquacious friend?

I just love that chatty little girl. Isn't she something?"

- I'm not sure. - Don't go finding a problem here.

This is going to be F-U-N-N, fun, girl.

Just come help me move my stuff out of Sukie's tomorrow.

Don't worry, she's not even gonna be there.

Oh, God! Take it! Oh, God!

Sukie, don't. What are you doing?

I don't want it anymore.

You said she wouldn't be here.

Sukie, I'm just taking my own stuff.

That was a gift. I wanted you to have it.

I don't want it if we're not going to both use it!

Sukie, it's your wall dildo.

No, no, no, no.

And take Alice too. I never liked her.

And she won't stop barking!

How can I take the dog, Sukie? I don't have a home.

Remember, you kicked me out?

Take Alice. Take the wall dildo.

It's your dildo, Susanne.

Curlie's Drive-Away, Pennsylvania's most trusted name in car delivery.

Curlie speaking.

Okay, it's going to Tallahassee.

Uh-huh. Tallahassee, Florida.

Yeah, you have something to write this down?