Ryan Hamilton: This Just Hit Me

Thank you! Hello!

Thanks a lot.

That's very nice.

Thank you so much.

Oh, wow.

-Wow. That's so nice. -

Wow.

What's crazy about this moment is that

there are people here who don't know who I am.

- -And that's 100% true.

And you were brought by people who do know who I am.

And I know that there's a lot of pressure on those people right now.

I know you really stuck your neck out there.

And the people you brought really, truly believed that they would recognize me.

And they're struggling.

And this is my life.

Thank you from whatever camp you came from.

So happy you're here.

I, um…

Yeah.

I've been eking it out like this.

A little word of mouth here and there.

I'm supposed to be a social media star.

That's the way the world works.

And you are too, by the way.

I don't care who you are. It's coming for you too.

Want to be a decent dentist?

You better learn to be funny online once in a while.

That's the world we live in. Wanna straighten people's teeth for a living?

You better also shuck and jive on TikTok.

I have famous friends. I don't know if that helps you.

People that if you saw me with, you'd think, "That really surprises me."

It surprises me, too.

Some nights I'm out, everybody's shouting out names.

One night somebody goes, "Ryan Hamilton!"

Now I'll take just a moment to remind a few of you that that's my name.

And I get excited by this because I want to show my famous friends

that I've got a fan or two out in the world, right?

And this guy walked up and he said, "I know you from Google."

Which is oh-so deflating.

I mean, are we not all on Google?

What do you know me from, my hot LinkedIn account?

Or what do you mean Google?

And then he said, "Well, my name's also Ryan Hamilton."

"And every time I Google my name, that face pops up."

And he said "that face"

like he didn't want it walking around with his name, you know?

I go, "Do you know what I do?"

He goes, "I think you're a stand-up comedian."

And I go, "That's what I thought."

"Have you ever seen anything that I've done?"

And he said, "I will never see anything that you do."

He didn't like that I existed in the world.

I asked, "What do you do?"

But guess what? I already knew because I Google my name too. And, uh…

Yeah, this guy's about seven Google searches down from me.

I mean, what a loser, right? So…

I like this, here we are.

No screens. How does it feel?

- -Yeah.

I know you want them.

I know.

No escaping it. Little things floating around the back of your head.

"How tall is this guy?"

You'll never know because you won't remember to Google that later.

Even if you did, you go, "I do not recall that man's name,

even though he said it so many times."

"Is that our Uber?" And then it's gone forever.

This is real. We're interacting as human beings. I love this.

This is rare.

We don't do this that often anymore. You know?

I hope it lasts.

I really hope… Things are fickle.

One day you'll be walking through a museum,

there might be a guy in a glass case with a microphone. You know?

This is kind of the comedian pose.

Like, "What's up with society?"

There'll be a little plaque down at the bottom.

It'll say something like, "Society was very anxious and distraught,

so much so that they would actually plan their laughter together

at specific times."

"And they would gather themselves in laugh rooms throughout the country."

"There were laugh leaders who would try to encourage them."

"But it was ironic because they were often angry or sad."

"And…"

"…this is what the middle class really enjoyed."

So nice to be with you, Seattle.

Thank you very much.

Let's begin.

I was hit by a bus.

Some of these jokes don't have transitions.

It's weird to say you got hit by a bus.

People go, "What do you mean, you got hit by a bus?"

"A bus hit me."

I truly meant it literally.

It's kind of physics after that.

And I didn't want a tragedy to happen to me.

But once it happened,

I did want the empathy of a tragedy, just to be honest.

But I realized with time that getting hit by a bus is not a tragedy.

It's a comedy.

And I can… I can prove it.

If someone says, "I got hit by a car,"

people go, "Oof, I'm so sorry."

But if someone says I got hit by a bus, people go, "Oof…"

"How did you not see it?"

"I mean, they're so big."

"It hit me. I didn't hit it."

"And why did you take the side of the bus so quickly?"

I've only met a few people who've been hit by a bus.

And I only met them since I was hit by a bus.

Because once you say you've been hit by a bus,

people come out of the wall and go… "I was also hit by a bus."

"And we're family now."

"What kind of bus were you hit by?"

I met this one guy who got hit by a double-decker tourist bus.

In New York City. I'm even laughing at that.

I mean, that's hilarious.

On the hierarchy of buses, that's up there.

That guy wins.

But so do those tourists, because what an authentic tour that was.

"How was your tour?"

"It was so real. We hit a guy. I don't know."

"How do they afford to do that every time?"

It seems like a common accident, because we reference it all the time.

Once you've been hit by a bus, you'll begin to notice this.

People say stuff like, "You gotta live your life."

"You don't know, you might walk out of your house tomorrow…"

Did I make that up?

I mean, it's just… It's the most easily accessible hypothetical death.

There are so many ways to die.

And I'm here to tell you, live your life. Because…

I don't know, you might get hit by a bus.

That's what happened to me.

Here's one.

People go, "Oh, I feel tired and achy."

"I was out so late."

"I feel like I got hit by a bus."

Do you?

Do you feel like you got hit by a bus?

I felt like that one time.

It was that time that I got hit by a bus.

And by the way, it doesn't go the other direction.

I wasn't laying in front of the bus going, "I feel tired," you know?

You don't get hit by a bus and go, "I feel like I got hit by a bus."

You know immediately. I mean, there's just so much evidence.

It's really hard to deny.

People go, "I thought we were friends,

but then you went and threw me under the bus."

In my experience, it's really difficult to get under.

It kind of ejects you out, uh, away from the bus.

And also, getting someone low enough and throwing them…

I mean, the timing alone is absurd.

Am I wrong?

People don't know how to visualize it either.

They think a big city bus with a flat front,

you know, like I was just splayed out.

"Hit the wipers, I'll be all right."

That wasn't exactly it.

I have to admit something to you,

just based on the spirit of full disclosure.

I must admit to you that it was a shuttle bus.

Are you disappointed?

Do you wish that I was hit by a bigger vehicle?

In this moment, for your comedic enjoyment?

It was a big shuttle bus, I can assure you, if that helps you.

But I think you can understand why I don't want to open with,

"I got hit by a shuttle bus."

I mean, it just…

It doesn't land the same.

You know, people have questions. "Where were they going?"

"I don't know."

"I know they were late."

"I know that they didn't get there on time."

"I was also very late. I was…"

Can you imagine being a passenger on a shuttle bus

that struck a pedestrian?

I mean, what a wild range of emotions to have to fly through.

"Oh, that man's hurt, did you see?"

"Oh, he's hurt bad, did somebody call?"

"Oh no, I feel terrible. Oh, that poor man, oh no."

"What time is your flight?"

"We all have somewhere to be, do we not?"

"Everybody's got a life to live."

"You gotta get to the airport, and I gotta get to the hospital."

"I mean, we're all busy, busy, busy, busy bees."

"Busy, busy bees."

You want to hear about my injuries? Okay.

This arm was broken, hilarious.

Actually, it was my humerus, but I refuse to make that joke.

-Ten broken ribs… -

…which seems like a lot, and it is.

I didn't even know I had that many, to be honest.

If you'd asked, "How many ribs you have?" I'd have gone,

"I dunno, how many did Tom and Jerry have when they get electrocuted?"

"How many is that?"