The Legend of El Chupacabra

I bet you're wondering why I brought you all here today.

No?

Anyone?

Bueller?

You are going to randomly kill one of us

to demonstrate your power is absolute.

That's a good one.

And you do always have the greatest idea, Mutumbo.

Anyone else?

Anyone willing to go out on a limb?

We're not doing the hand raised thing, Magnus.

Just speak up.

You have invented new planet-destroying weapon,

which you are about to reveal to us.

No, but thank you

for making me feel like an underachiever, Magnus.

It's great for my self-confidence.

But I just

I'm gonna let you have that one.

You did have a good idea about the pizza place.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give

- What is that? - What's what?

That!

It's so basic!

White background, black text.

What are you, are you an amateur?

We didn't want to overshadow the message.

It's minimalist.

It's crap!

There's no pizazz.

You know how I feel about pizazz.

Just very disappointed.

I mean, they have templates.

Pick one!

Am I right?

My fellow elites, behold.

I give to you, Operation Cryptid!

Bravo, bravo!

Yes, yes.

What the fuck we got going on in here?

None of your beeswax.

None of my beeswax?

I betcha I'll make it my beeswax.

You're not supposed to be bothering me, mom said.

Mom said.

What are you, a little mama's boy?

El Cup-a-chu-bre?

Incorrect.

No, no go ahead.

One more time.

Get the fuck outta here.

Hey, you know me and your mama,

we're getting on good terms, getting close.

Little word of advice, I'd get used to this right here.

Dumbass.

Yeah.

Want some?

No, mom.

Oh, baby.

Don't be that way.

Roy.

Roy.

Roy.

Roy!

What did you say to him?

What?

Petey's got his panties in a big old wad.

What did you say to him?

I didn't say nothing to him.

I just told him to pick up all his bullshit

so that a real man can get some real man work done out here.

You said you'd be nice to him.

That's what you said!

Cindy, your boy, he's just

What?

Go ahead.

Say it.

Told you, I told you!

We gotta catch him!

This is it, we're going to be famous!

Friends forever.

Come what may, but here in Blufkin is where we stay.

We swear to rid the town of this beast,

if we die when we try, we won't care in the least.

All for one and one for all,

a solemn promise to answer the call.

El Chupacabra!

Yeah, yeah, let's roll.

We're standing here in the woods out past Canyon Lake

where we sighted something strange and unusual,

a creature believed to be El Chupacabra.

- What the hell was that? - It's close!

Run!

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby!

God damn coyotes.

I don't like it, is what I'm saying.

All right, sheriff, you made your point

and we're receptive to your suggestions.

- I'm not. - What?

Why doesn't that surprise me?

I stand by my sources.

They say that

Hush!

Hush, hush!

I know what they say.

What I'm saying is that what they're saying

ain't for them to say

or for you to say that they said that they said it.

Sheriff, I have two sources

that say there was a body moved into the morgue last night

covered in a blue tarp.

That right?

False!

Fake news!

La la, la, la, la... Wow, okay.

Real mature, Sheriff. - La, la, la, la, la, la.

You do realize you can't just shout fake news

and make something not true, right?

You can't prove that.

All right, I am the sheriff.

That means that I am the most important person here.

Whatever you say, sheriff.

What about

What am I supposed to do?

Just know, you are on my radar now

and I fly real low.

Buck.

Greetings, fellow cryptid hunters.

It's your boy, Pete.

It's 1400 days since the last sighting,

which is a long time.

But don't give up hope.

El Chupacabra will return.

El Chupacabra.

That's a waste of time if you're asking me.

You need to start searching for something real,

something like Bigfoot.

Bigfoot?

Overrated!

I'll take Mothman any day of the week

over that lumbering ape.

Wait, you take that back.

Overrated.

Oh, hey, it looks like someone's trying

to join our stream.

Hello, Cryptid Creature Hunter 69.

I had a question.

Sure.

Always happy to help a fellow hunter.

What's up?

Does your mother know you're gay?

Ha-ha, very funny not.

- Dick-eater says what? - What?

Well, I'll be damned.

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Yeah, yeah, I can hear you.

Look, I know you're just here to prank me some more

so get on with it.

I'm a virgin who's never touched a woman.

I jack off to Facebook profile pictures of the PTA board.

I'm into granny porn.

Are you the guy hunting the Chupacabra in Texas?

Oh...

Yeah.

You must know about the Wendigo then?

Of course, the evil spirit that devours mankind.

Antlers, rotten flesh or so the legend goes.

Yesterday, I saw it.

First time anyone has in the last four years.

Wendy Wendigo Watcher 99, you had best not be fooling me.

Oh, no, Pete, I'm dead serious.

They're coming back and you're spot on.

It's a four-year cycle.

Be careful.

Wendy, what are you doing?

Dang it, mom, I'm talking to my friend.

Don't be such a butt-in-ski.

I gotta go.

Earl, did you fall asleep in that shed again?

Hardest working man in Texas.

Yeah.

When you get through playing with those napkins,

I'm gonna need you to bring your ass to the office, okay?

All right, my man, Pete!

Oh, okay.

Gosh, I thought I was doing pretty well.

I mean, I consider myself a hard worker.

I might not be able to lift as many trays

as some of the other girls,

but I've been making up for that with hustle.

No, it's not like that at all.

You're my main man, right?

I'd like to think so.

Hey, when I need a go-to guy, you know where I go?

Right here?

My man, Pete.

That's why it's ripping me up inside

what I gotta tell you, son.

- Tell me what? - You fired.