Crashing

This is actually the first

sit-down meal that I've had since I moved to New York.

Moved is a strong word. Shouldn't you move into a place

before you use the word move?

_

Artie's like one of those old

country songs. He goes out for a pack of cigarettes and

doesn't come back.

I know what you're saying but

- he's doing better. - I'm telling you right now

he's halfway to Atlantic City.

Still trying to...?

- Yes. Yeah. - Make a tape?

Do you want to come with me to my show? Going to Rififi.

You think they'll let me up or?

Nope.

Ali Reissen, everybody.

I've created a monster.

That's Caribbean week. It's my favourite.

Of course you have a favourite.

There's eight fries left. You can have 'em, I'm done.

I'm only supposed to have, like, three carbs a day.

- Really? How's that working out? - Not working out at all.

It looks like the fourth squeezes in there sometimes.

It bugs me that you're skinnier than me.

You were always my fat...

Hey. How's it goin'?

Just sat right down there, didn't you?

Is... Is somebody sitting here?

No, dude, this is the comics' table, all right?

But I sit with you all the time at the other club.

Yeah, but this is the Cellar. The Cellar, it's different.

This is like The Tonight Show.

It's like being called to walk over to the couch.

These kids don't fucking know.

No, they don't know. They don't get it.

- They don't get it. - Back in my day, this table...

- Patrice, Giraldo, Burr, real ballbusters. - Right, right.

I was scared shitless to sit at this table.

This guy just sits down like a friggin' Sesame Street character.

That shirt stinks. Can we just talk about the shirt for a second?

Geez, did the guy who molests you

leave it on your nightstand last night?

I didn't know, I'm... I'm sorry.

That's the problem. See, this is it right here.

These guys can't take it. They give it, they can't take it.

- He's all upset. - All of a sudden, he's all being serious.

- Gentlemen? - Wayne-o!

Hey, what's up, Federman?

Hey, Pete, get the fuck up.

- Yeah. - He's on the lineup. Beat it.

You know, I will get up, out of respect. Larry Sanders.

Step Brothers.

Absolutely correct.

I didn't know that was a benefit?

- He knows my credits. - Nice.

Yeah, there had to be one.

Could I get a sink water, please?

Guys...

she walks into is as dumb as mud.

I'm actually starting my own table.

You have to have no credits or respect to sit here.

How's that shirt, Bob Vila?

You look like you're gonna build a table.

- What's your name again? - My name...

Nobody cares. Shut up.

Oh, God. Where did you get this kid?

I have a book out.

It's a Hollywood memoir. It's called I'll Take That as a No.

And it's being released, direct to PDF, straight to PDF.

So check that one out.

Hey. Hey.

Wings?

What?

- Would you like some wings? - I...

This is way too much for me, this is like,

for a family of four, from the Midwest.

- I... I would love some wi... I can...? - Come on over.

Yeah, come on over, the bullies are gone.

You are totally safe.

- I... I'm honored. - It's Pete, right?

- Yes, Pete. - Yeah.

- Wayne. - Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Just grab something there.

- Thank you, I will. - Oh! The drumstick, that's, uh, bold.

Should I not...?

No, you should totally take the best thing on there.

- Is this... - I'm kidding! Eat!

- Thank you very much. - Yeah.

I really am a huge fan... of yours.

Well, thanks.

You're... you're in one of my favorite scenes in Curb.

- Uh-huh. - Legally Blonde.

You know, I made a career out of being in one scene

in a movie, and then never seeing me again.

I guess you're right, right?

Yeah, one scene and out. I call it the Federman in and out.

- I think you could be in lots of scenes. - Well...

In fact, I get connected to your character.

I see your character and I go, "What's that guy's story?"

I appreciate that.

So, uh, are you going up tonight?

Well, not here, obviously.

- But, um, I get up... - You do?

- I do the alt scene a little bit. - Right.

I'm trying to get into the college market.

- Mm-hmm. - I just submitted a tape to, uh, NACA.

- I don't know if... - They still have NACA?

- They still have NACA. - NACA changed my life.

Changed my life.

I booked, like, 80 colleges, paid off my student loan.

But here's the crazy thing, more important to me was,

I wrote on my tax forms, "comedian."

- Is that crazy? - No!

It was so important to me.

That's... that's everything. That's all I want...

I haven't had a real job since.

That's what NACA did for me.

- Wow. - And how about this? As a bonus,

you take the rest of these. I'm gonna go.

- Oh. - But so nice meeting you.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

- Nice to meet you. - Ah. Maybe the...

- Right, yeah. - There's a little... Yeah.

I'm sure I'll see you, though, I mean, like, I pop in here

a couple times a week, so... I'll see you again?

Yeah, I'm actually... Well, I'm taking a break.

I have Hodgkin's,

- so... - What?

- Yeah. - Oh my God.

Don't worry, don't panic, it's totally treatable.

It's just, I can't afford the treatments.

I can't afford the bills, it's, like, a whole thing.

Wow.

Yeah, so I'm just gonna move... back in with my parents,

gonna try to squirrel away some money.

I'm so sorry. I... I hope it works out for you.

It'll work out. Nice meeting you, Pete.

- Enjoy those wings. - Thank you.

Be well.

Hey! We got it, buddy.

All right. Do me a favor, tag me on that,

so people know I'm alive.

Artie. Geez, man. Did you know about Wayne?

What? He try to touch your leg?

- I... No. - What?

He's sick. He's... and he's, like, he can't afford...

- His insurance is fucking him, and... - Yeah, well...

He doesn't have money to pay for his medical care.

I feel bad, too, man. But what do you mean he's got no money?

None of us have any money. Look at us, what are we doing here?

It breaks my heart.

- Yeah, well. - A guy that's been working for so long,

and he can't even afford to pay for his treatment?

I mean, we gotta help him.

You wanna help? You got any bone marrow lying around?

Because that's what he needs.

What do you think's gonna happen here? Come on.

It doesn't have to be complicated.

We could just do a show and give him the money.

We could do like a benefit.

- Oh, a benefit? - We could do a benefit.

Right. Let me explain something to you.

Every time a comedian does a show,

it's a benefit, for themselves.

That's how it is, man.

Yeah, but it wouldn't... it wouldn't even be that hard.

We just need to get a group of comics together.

If... if you headline, all the other comics will fall into line.

Put up a great lineup.

- Oh. Sounds easy. - Raise some money...

It is easy. I could even host.

- Oh, wait, wait. You'll host? - I... I could host.

Yeah, now I get your angle. You'll host.

I am rubbing off on you. I get what's going on here.

You wanna use his sickness

to get stage time. Is that what's going on?

Artie, I'm not doing this for me.

I'm just sayin', I could put it all together.

Right.

Make it really, really easy. All you have to do is show up.

I'll do anything to make this stop. Let me explain something to you.

- I'll headline. - You'll headline?

- I'll headline. - You'll do it?

I'm being honest with you. I will headline.

But you gotta do the work. Okay?

Of course. I feel bad, he's a good guy.

Hey, you're a good man, Arthur.

I don't know about that, but I know I'm gonna need a benefit one day,

so I'm putting out some karma. And do me a favor.

Promise me one thing. When my benefit comes around,

you're not hosting. You're not hosting.

Personally, I like sweet cream, as a base,

'cause it doesn't overwhelm the mix-ins.

For me, it's all about tasting the mix-ins.

Oreo Overload is popular.

I'm gonna take my break, but Camilla... Camilla, could you, uh,

assist me, please?

Uh, thank you, ladies.

Aw.