Kidding

Previously on Kidding...

And I think that's appropriate,

because it reminds us...

- -

I wanna do a show about death.

You do a show about death,

children will run from the room in tears.

So what do you think?

It's perfect.

I'll take it.

What do you want to say?

Allahu Akbar!

Allahu Akbar?

Stop talking. We get it.

You always know what to say.

Sometimes I don't want you to talk.

I want you to listen.

- -

I'm gonna call you Big P.

What can I call you?

Jeff Pickles.

Olympic gold medalist Ms. Tara Lipinski.

- -

Will's smoking reefer

like a jazz musician.

Teaching Will a magic trick

isn't gonna get him to stop smoking pot.

The National Tree Lighting.

That'll be, what, 10 million people watching?

Oh, fuck.

How did December get here so quickly?

You are a bagpipe of insanity.

This is not insanity.

This is how honesty looks

when you're inside out and upside down.

Saying yes to drugs

is the biggest oops you can make.

Get between your kids and drugs.

It doesn't matter how

if you want to save your child's life.

Hmm.

- - _

Live from President's Park

in the heart of the nation's capital,

it's America's Christmas Tree Lighting 2018.

This year, we celebrate the festive season

in a time-honored holiday tradition

featuring performances from Trisha Yearwood,

Wynonna Judd, The Texas Tenors,

with Kathie Lee Gifford and Dean Cain.

Please welcome our host, Mr. Jeff Pickles.

- -

Your parents don't deserve you.

If they did, you wouldn't be able to walk from

Los Angeles to Beijing on a bridge of floating plastic.

What's left to drink when the water

has too much lead in it?

The orange juice has too much sugar.

They put so many hormones in the milk,

girls are spending their eighth birthday with Aunt Flo.

They want me to put Soap Scum on a tampon box.

- They want Ennui hawking antidepressants. -

_

You are the product of narcissism.

Your parents look at you and see their own death.

They either expect more of you than you can give them

or, worse, nothing at all.

Statistically, they hate each other.

_

They use you to fix their flaws.

They want you to read the books they won't.

You are the caviar of a trout.

Caviar of a trout.

Your parents will always love you enough

to pretend they love you.

That's why they buy you dolls,

so you can practice pretending too.

Repeat after me. Every pain needs a name.

Every pain needs a name.

Good, that's very good. Green means go.

- Green means go. - Good.

Good. Now say, "I love you, Daddy."

- Why? - Just say it.

- I love you, Daddy. - Thank you.

Your parents are failing you.

Mine did, and yours do.

Every day.

I know this because they leave you with me.

Don't believe me?

Next time you're watching my show,

call out for your mom or your dad.

Do they respond?

No.

Of course not.

They're avoiding you.

Mom?

Your mom is chasing down a handful of Klonopin

- with a Diet Dr Pepper. - Mom?

And Dad is out there drinking

from the bottles that empty him.

Mom?

Hypothetically if I-I have an account

that he doesn't know about

with hundreds of thousands of dollars

that was supposed to go to charity,

what happens to that, um, money in the divorce?

I see, yeah.

I like you,

the friends who visit me on television.

But I'm not your father.

And I shouldn't be.

I killed my son.

Murderer!

Please don't use a bad word when you can...

I didn't listen to him.

So he didn't listen to me.

Turns out, I was a pretty good talker but a terrible listener.

Why didn't I listen?

Because I can be selfish too.

If I had really listened to him,

I would have heard my own flaws, my own anger.

For me to address his flaws,

I would have had to admit to my own.

If I had listened to him,

maybe he would have listened to me.

Maybe he would have done his homework.

Maybe he would have put on a seat belt.

Now it's almost Christmas. Again.

And in that spirit,

I want you to go to where your parents hide things.

Sometimes it's a special drawer

or the linen closet.

All children know where this is.

It's where your parents hide your presents.

I want you to open them early.

It's all right.

I say it's okay.

I don't wanna fail you anymore.

Did you get a talking Mr. Pickles?

Go ahead. Pull the string.

I'm listening. I'm listening.

I'm listening. I'm listening.

What did you get me for Christmas?

Maddy. Maddy!

What?

I'm listening.

And, Jill, if you're listening,

I'm sorry.

I will always love you.

_

Allahu Akbar!

We're gonna be fine.

We'll air whatever's left on the shelf,

but then I-I don't know.

I like to call this an indefinite hiatus.

But if I'm PBS talking... and I am...

I'd be lying if I said I saw

the show coming back from this,

animated or not.

I see.

Look, we all know Jeff

hasn't been the same since the car accident.

Maybe this is for the best.

You there, Seb?

Hello, hi. Fuck you.

You don't get to say that about my son.

Could I let you in on something that's bugged me

for 30 years?

Okay.

I've always understood how I get down

to Pickle Barrel Falls.

I get in a pickle barrel,

go over the falls, a parachute deploys.

What I've never understood is,

how do I get back up?

There's no way back up.

Yeah. I don't know.