The Millers

Knock, knock.

Good morning.

Mom, all I'm saying is

if I'm gonna drive you places,

you can't stick your head out the window

and offer rides to complete strangers.

Well, she was cute, you're single.

I didn't know she was homeless until she smiled.

I'm just gonna, uh... I'm gonna grab some febreze and a rag.

Have fun at school, and remember, the bus is free.

Don't let the driver trick you again, okay?

Debbie, your father called me last night.

He thinks when the movers packed our stuff

they stole his socks.

Why would someone steal his socks?

Everyone has feet, Debbie.

Well, look at sleepyhead, just waking up.

When we were married, I had him out of bed by 6:00.

My main incentive was beating her to the toilet.

Well, he got a book yesterday on the Civil War.

He was up all night.

You can never let him have history books after 9:00.

He'll never go down.

I can stay up as late as I like.

What's that thing your buddy Ray says?

Uh... I'm an ass-grown something...

Grown-ass man?

I'm a grown assman.

A grown assman who,

if he doesn't take his pills by 8:00 a.m.,

gets even more dizzy and foggy-headed

than he already is.

Find his pills.

I'll go look through the boxes in the basement

and see if I can solve this sock mystery.

Reminder Nathan:

your family plan is eligible for a phone upgrade.

- What was that? - It's my personal assistant app on my phone.

Did she say you're getting a new phone?

Yeah, I'm getting a new phone tonight,

which means you are eligible for my old phone.

Yes! I love phone-me-downs.

I finally get a phone with apps.

The only game this phone plays is Catch.

Catch, Adam.

I get your phone?

That is awesome.

It's gonna be nice to have a phone

with a "7" button that works again.

You know, I can't call "America's Most Wanted".

The Millers S01E03 "Phone Upgrade"

Found your socks.

For some reason, you packed them

with a bunch of seashells.

Gonna throw 'em in the wash.

Your feet smell enough like low tide as it is.

What are you doing?

Thinking about breakfast.

You're gonna have salad dressing for breakfast?

I haven't ruled it out.

Wh...

Just sit down.

I'll make you some eggs.

You're absolutely useless.

When you had the bright idea to divorce me,

did you ever consider how you were gonna feed yourself?

Perhaps I thought "slow death by salad dressing"

was preferable.

The plan is under Nathan Miller.

You probably recognize the name.

My son's a tv reporter,

uh, so if there are any extra perks

for people on television...

Mom...

Oh, here you are.

Ooh, looks like you're eligible for

not one but five upgrades.

See? It worked.

I'm sorry, did you say we have five upgrades?

Does that mean that we all can get...

Now, hold on, hold on. They're not our upgrades,

they're my upgrades.

I like to hold onto them in case

I break or lose my phone.

It means I don't have to pay to replace it, so...

Just... Just the one phone.

My son's very sensible when it comes to money.

You know, he's also single.

Do you have a sister who's maybe...

I don't know, a little more put together than you are?

Mom.

Mom.

I'm sorry.

She grew up near power lines.

Where were you?

I bought some shorts.

They looked great on the mannequin.

Well, they look ridiculous on the dummy.

What the hell's going on with your socks?

They don't match.

They're both black.

Close enough.

Close enough?

You look like a crazy man!

Okay, mom, just let it be.

Easy for you to say.

I didn't spend my whole day yesterday doing the laundry

so he could come in here

looking like a German tourist

with a wooden leg.

Look, mom, you're not married anymore.

You don't have to do dad's laundry.

Who else is going to do it?

Him?

Without me, he's a disaster.

Last week he tried to fold his own clothes,

got his head stuck in a turtleneck

and somehow ended up in the neighbor's pool.

That was wild.

Their dog was freaking out.

Look, we all know that dad has challenges

when it comes to... living.

But you're kind of the reason that he's like this.

Excuse me?

Oh, it's... it's something that both Debbie and I

were... were discussing.

What was it, Debbie, that your point was?

Well, we agreed, actually,

that maybe the reason dad never learned

how to survive on his own

because you were always yelling at him,

and pushing him out of the way

and doing everything for him.

That... That was the point you were making, Nathan, I believe.

You don't have to take care of dad anymore.

Okay? You're separated now.

Live your own life.

Go get your groove back.

Go to Jamaica.

Find your taye diggs.

Right, yeah.

And if... if dad needs help, I'll be there

to gently and lovingly provide some guidance.

Okay.

You do that.

'Cause it's so easy.

All he needs is a little loving guidance.

Nice knowing you, Tom.

He'll be dead in a week.

Look, mom, dad is not an idiot.

Okay?

He was lead engineer at North America's number two

manufacturer of non-woven fabrics.

The guy practically invented the moist towelette.

Our father is a smart, capable man who,

if left to his own...

What's going on over there, dad?

It appears I forgot to pay for the shorts.

We're gonna have to see your I.D.

Oh...

I... I must've I left my wallet in my pants.

Where are my pants?

Oh! You might want to try the ladies' dressing room.

They hustled me out of there in a hurry.

Dead in a week.

Knowing how much your mom still does for your dad,

are we nervous about letting him make breakfast alone?

What do you think,

my dad's going to burn down the house?

Yes.

Look, all I'm suggesting

is that maybe there's a polite way

that we could ask him to stay in the yard.

We could put some food in the shade.

- Morning, dad. - Morning.

So, I've got everything ready

for you to make your own breakfast.

Okay, I've got a bowl, spoon, milk

and choice of cereals.

Ooh, I don't like cereal.

It's like dog food for people.

Okay. Uh, what do you have in mind?

Well, could you show me how to make a homemade biscuit?

Oven.

Adam...

Well, biscuits are a pretty complex recipe, dad.

Good point.

I also like a nice western omelet.

Stove.

Oh, omelets are easy.

Yes. Yeah. Um...

We got the pan right there,

non-stick spray, eggs...

- Great. - (Debbie) Great.

So we're gonna head to work.

How much of the egg goes in the actual omelet?

Um...

All of it.

Uh, and-and, uh...

There's no, uh...