Sister Boniface Mysteries

The time now is five o'clock.

("Jolly Roger" TV show's theme music playing)

Trevor, it's on.

-(all) Hello. -Avast, ye landlubbers.

Today, we're going to be looking at making jelly eggs.

Oh.

And finally finish off with a lovely dollop of cream.

It looks very splendid, I think.

And so does Bill's by the looks of it.

Treasure, argh.

And can we get a close-up of Danny's?

And camera one, close-up.

Or, in my case, a jelly omelette.

Walk the plank, you scurvy knave. Argh.

Well, that's quite enough of this.

Dinah!

Finish now and go to the telecine.

And there we are.

A very delicious idea for a tea party.

On Monday, I went to Silverstone racetrack

to try out the latest Formula 1 racing car.

Run telecine.

-(director) And cut. -(Dinah) I'm gone

for a few weeks and while the cat's away?

Thank you, Sandy.

What were you thinking, letting the boys do the cooking?

Children love it. We've had lots of letters.

Children don't want to see grown-ups playing silly billies.

And talking of letters, care to explain?

Uh, it's for the Summer Roadshow.

Didn't you edit them?

I just assumed all of them went in.

No, dear.

Because then, we run the risk

of ending up in some godforsaken place

in the middle of nowhere with nothing to film.

On air in five, four...

Sit up straight.

You'd better just hope for your sake.

As you know, our Summer Roadshow is next month,

and we've received hundreds of letters from you

asking us to come stay in your neck of the woods.

-(parrot) Wow! Wow! -(Jono) So...

If Bill will do the honours...

Aye-aye, in here somewhere.

Not this one.

Aha.

-(Sandy) Thank you, Bill. -(Barnacle Bill) Aye-aye.

And this letter is from Trevor...

-It's mine. Mum, Mum, it's mine! -...aged seven,

-who lives in... -(suspenseful music)

...Great Slaughter.

-(rooster crowing) -(director) Quiet, please.

-Run camera. -(movie camera whirring)

Action.

The exciting thing about the Summer Roadshow is

we never know what we will find,

but we certainly weren't expecting this.

Now I expect you think

nuns spend all day praying and eating fish on Fridays,

but here at St Vincent's convent, they do something very different.

Yo-ho-ho! And a bottle of rum.

-It isn't rum, Bill. -No.

Later on, Sister Boniface will be showing you

how she turns these...

into wine.

A simple chemical reaction.

Anthocyanins, malvidin, 3 glucoside flavone,

3 Catechin, 86 percent water, 12 percent ethanol,

1 percent glycerol, 0.4 percent organic acids.

Was I supposed to do that bit later?

Here's one we made earlier.

Only 5/6 a bottle with a 5 percent case discount,

-10 percent on bulk orders. -Very good.

Cut.

-(Fliss) Thank you. -How was that?

-Did I come in too early? -No.

Our Grand Cru.

A light-bodied red with a subtle hint of raspberries

-and black pepper. -That is a lot of wine.

Yep. 6,000 bottles a year.

90 percent, we sell retail.

The rest, gifts and services.

"Gifts and services"?

Put simply... say we get a burst pipe.

You're a plumber. You fix my pipe.

I gift you a crate of Grand Cru to say thank you.

Meaning the taxman don't get a sniff either side,

so it's a win-win.

And don't worry, kids,

because it's all perfectly legal.

Cut. We'll wrap this, thank you. A word.

Finish up. Then I want you and the presenters

at the studio for a meeting.

Although why you couldn't find anywhere more suitable

-than a village hall... -We were limited for choice.

How was your meeting with the controller?

Not a happy chappy.

Viewing figures are in free fall.

Hardly a surprise given your shenanigans...

-Actually, they rose while I've... -...in my absence.

And will be even unhappier when we give the kiddies

a crash course in tax evasion.

-Obviously we're not gonna use... -When this week is mercifully over,

I think you should look for a nice little job in radio.

No need for a gloomy face.

It's for the best.

Some people just aren't cut out for children's television.

Go on. In.

Dinah's not here. She's late. She is never late.

Let's just hope she's not been stuck in a car accident.

Nice to see you.

Dead women tell no tales.

Dead women tell no tales.

On air in ten.

Can we get him out, please? He can't go on like this.

Quiet, please.

-Thank you. -Okay? Ready? Good.

On air in five.

Four.

("Jolly Roger" TV show's theme music playing)

-(Jono and Sandy) Hello. -(Barnacle Bill) Yo-ho-ho!

You may have noticed we're not in our usual studio.

We're in our temporary Roadshow studio here

in Great Slaughter.

And what a week we've got lined up for you.

Including a very exciting announcement

where Danny and I will be explaining

what these are for.

-Coming to two. -(button clicks)

You'd never believe it was made of lolly sticks,

would you?

And now, it only needs varnishing.

But as the glue on this hasn't had time to dry yet,

here's one we made earlier.

At least we hope there's one we made earlier.

Danny appears to be having trouble

finding it.

-Is that a...? -I think I need a "hand".

-(tense music) -(nervous breathing)

Stay off camera two! Off camera two!

Maybe some... "body" hid it.

They'd be "dead" if they did.

Oh, there we are.

Found it.

Finish up now!

A lovely lolly stick pipe rack,

which I'm sure any father would be delighted

-to receive as a present. -Go to telecine.

But unfortunately, we've run out of time.

Uh, so now, over to Jono

to tell us more about what we found in Great Slaughter yesterday.

Yesterday, we visited St Vincent's convent,

where we met a group of very unusual nuns.

-(button clicks) -Run telecine!

What have you got?

A button lodged in her teeth.

We'll have to wait for the postmortem,

but I'm 99.98 percent certain cause of death was asphyxiation.

-She was smothered. -Hmm.

Anything else?

A forensic nightmare.

The corpse was moved, thus rendering all trace evidence

contaminated by Uncle Tom Cobley and a television crew.

A veritable pig's ear of a crime scene, yes.

So on balance, not the most propitious news.

The set was prepared last night.

It wasn't until during filming

when they pulled back the curtain and...

Noticed the deceased body

-under the workbench. -Yeah.

Uh, Dinah Morgan. She's the show's editor.

She called a meeting here last night

at which only... four people were present.

Uh, three of the presenters and the producer, Fliss Forsyth.

You and Button do a search for me.

Keep your eyes peeled for...

Something short of a button, perhaps a pair of gloves.

-(pen scribbling on notepad) -(inhales deeply)

Meanwhile...

...let's start with the last four people

to see her alive.

Do you know what happened?

We'd have a better idea if you hadn't moved the body.

You do realise willfully disturbing a crime scene is an offence?

Not as offensive as presenting to the nation's children

with a corpse at our feet.

Morality versus pragmatism.

Quite a philosophical conundrum.

Miss Morgan called the four of you here last night.

Why was that?

Dinah made an addition to the shooting schedule.

It's not unusual.

So, apart from some highly unsuitable

alcohol-producing nuns,

-we have what exactly? -Uh...

Oh, a local farmer who found a Roman amphora

in a field of mangold wurzel's.

The children will be on the edge of their seats.

And you managed to miss