Stath Lets Flats

Ah.

They, they are, they're so, erm, young at that age.

Do you know how I've meant that? Yeah.

Ahh. Sorry, it's just that I'm going to be my father soon.

My, er, dad.

A father to my dad. Son...Son. Sunny 'ell! Great.

I'm trying to tell ya, I'm gonna be a dad.

OK, so shall we genuinely view the flat, then, Gernold?

I'm not here to view a flat.

That's right, you're not Gernold. I just bumped into you in the street

and started crooning to ya son. Get on with ya!

Sorry to interrupt. Where's this Gernold, then?

It's you! It's you! Found you, Gernold.

Pleasure to meet you. I was just singing to, er, a road baby!

Do you mean Bernard? Cos, that's, that's My name.

Oh, right! Is anybody gonna ask my name? It is Stath.

Er, this is Ali.

Hello, Ali. Are you a kid?

He knows himself.

Michael and Eagle lettings... Oh, God, look at that,

straight away it's impressment. Jealous!

Because, obviously, they got the widescreen.

Just a completely empty wall and then right in the middle, gold.

If I had a TV like that and the water came on it,

I'd think I was swimming. Hey? Ha-ha!

Is it OK for me to swing my hand near, around him? No.

I am so sorry about this.

And I promise you, if you do take the flat

we will fill this with bricks straight away.

How many sweets do you think could fit into this room?

100?

Hey, much more than that, I reckon. More?

Wooooah heeeeey!

Looky, they've got everything.

They've got a phone, a clock, blue apple,

gold circle, clock, specs, stick in a blood bowl,

stick, pincher on a disc with two circles.

I'd love to be able to hand all that over to my son in a black bag.

I wanna leave my family business to my son...

..but my boss died.

God, well no, what happened was terrible, Martin,

but the business is fine.

We've just, like, relocated, Martin, yeah.

We j'adore managing your flat, Martin.

We've lost Julian.

We wouldn't want to lose your flat as well, know what I mean?

Well, he fell off an awards ceremony.

Yeah, climbing down. PHONE RINGS

Left us in a little bit of debt, tbh, Martin.

SHE LAUGHS

I get it, you're a landlord,

you'd rather your property wasn't being looked after by some people

wearing suits in a living room, but...

PAN SIZZLES

Little morning fish, sick.

But, we are desperate to find a new office, so hopefully.

Steven, is this good acting for film?

"Oh, no, I was in the war."

Yes.

Katheste edo anti na ton kanete crisps.

Ferte ta crisps. Parte ton crisps. What flavour?

Don't shout at me, Steven!

I'm gonna go. Well, I'll tell you what I will say to you, Martin -

oh, actually to the landlord here, as well, I'll say.

It's a phrase and I'm saying it to everyone.

"We care so much about bleedin' houses that we're workin' in one!"

And, God, I'm the size of a house, as well,

so I could probably fit that in the phrase.

Is this also good acting?

GUNSHOT!

Go, go, go, go. Maybe take me with you.

Sophia. Get some crisp from my bedroom drawer. I love you.

Oh, oh, sorry, Dean.

Oh, oh, oh, God! How's it going?

Haven't seen each other for ages!

Oh, you look very big.

That'll be the stairs. Hah!

Are you a church?

Dong, dong, dong!

Ooh! Scary.

Strange.

Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt the creative process.

That could be the next Meet Joe Black. Ooh!

No, it's-it's literally just a script about a girl

whose lost her goddamn mind.

Oh, you're kidding. Wow!

Sorry to sound like the bloody press,

but this script, is it for stage or screen, or...?

Uh, just for Katia.

Oh, right.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Um... Do you remember when we said we liked each other?

THEY CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY

Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, sorry, were you actually saying something?

I-I-I thought you were just doing small beeps.

Er, it's OK. Ill just go upstairs

and get some crisps from my Dad's fish.

Oh, OK!

Haha, slender? I'm not sure about that, I'm a pig.

A big pig on the stairs. Haha, what?

No, but, father of the bride? Why father of the bride?

Well, cos of I'm going to be a father shortly.

Oh, yeah! It's just cos you were looking at me

and pointing at me, so I thought it was something to do with me.

Well, we point to the ones we crave.

Right. You!

Oh, my God. It's the Sophie, the movie maniac!

Gimme your autograph for my son. Please!

Do you think that your son will like my name?

What, Sophie? He bleeding bletter!

Stath, we're gushing landlords, here.

Do you wanna get off the banno and speak to one?

Oh, yeah. I was actually gonna ask you.

Do you what size the son is going to be?

Because I did quite want to provide him a hooded T-shirt.

No. No size.

Mummy number two in da house!

Oh, my God. She's wearing red, there's blood in the hallway.

Right, dump your letters and waft off, please, Mrs Europe.

We're doing key work.

You careful what you mouth.

You want me tell your child

not to suck your nipple because it's a claw?

Ooh! Get on with each other.

OK. Lettings rave, is it?

All right, Dean.

Why is it Hallway Guinness Record in here?

HORN BEEPS Huh?

Mate, come out, I've got some... Beep the horn.

I've got something nice to tell you -

you're office is a house!

As in, you're... As in, you're using your house as an office.

Drive, drive.

Oh, we're shouting out of cars at young fathers to be now, is it?

Nice door! Respect me!

Enough shouting, Stathi!

Everyone in my office.

I want a very quiet conversation.

You can only talk if you are holding my fish.

Can I say, I'm sorry very to everyone in my bedroom?

Oh, don't worry about it. That's OK.

I'm too sorry I gave Julian the business

and he spend all the money

and I'm too sorry we lost the office

and now my stairs is an office -

but I maked mistaked because I'm old

and my brain is going like a rock.

Is there any quiet and sweet questions?

Thank you.

That's Dad fish. Oh, oh, did he ask...?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, hold the fish, yeah, yeah.

Is it OK to ask if we're likely to be paid in the coming months?

OK.

I cannot pay any money to anyone

until we find landlords and free office.

Huh?

What, actually? No pay?

Mm. You don't like this?

Oh. I definitely quit. Definitely.

Imagine if I didn't quit. No money?

You think I'm having a meeting with a fish for jokes?

Oh, excurse me!

This is your family business! You can't quit.

Why are you lot not quitting?

This guy got a kid on the way.

What you gonna do, just eat crisps in your dad's bedroom?

What you gonna feed your yout? Crisps.

Get another job, bruv.

Oh, my God, Stathi,

do you think that Bambos would let you cut hairs again

at Mr Cheeky hair?

Cos Stathi used to be a cutting barber.

Oh, my God! Can you give me floor length?

I'm not goin' back to Mr Cheeky. Do I look like a barber?

I'm wearing a grey suit!

I'm a dad on the way letting agent.

Nah, none of you are letting agents, no.

You lot do bop all.

Has any single one of you put your gob on the line

to get one of the landlords back?

No. For me, sadly, well, I can't quit,

because I believe in Carole Collins,

and I think she will support her child. So, ya know, I just muck on.

Sorry, I'm gonna support this child too.

Stathi, you're a dad and you need the money.

Listen to Carole and help with the landlords.

I do want to make money!

What, you don't think I want this kid to stand a chance?

I want Dean to stand a chance, as well.

What do I have to do, talk to langlords?

I'll talk to a langlord - I can make money, I wanna provide.

Al, you can do it with me, come on.

What are we doing, sorry?

We're going to get in my car,

and we're going to talk to a langlord. Let's do it.