The Millers

Hmm.

I feel like I have an unfair advantage over you

since I grew up in a house that was falling apart.

Nathan, we've got a problem.

Yeah, Mom, it's tragic that they're turning the Yarn Barn into a Starbucks,

but I am not gonna spend another weekend

in a crocheted poncho chanting,

"Are we gonna fight?" You're gosh yarn right."

This is bigger than that.

Debbie's having money problems, and she's worried

about the future of her and Adam's yoga café.

Yeah, of course she is. The café is meat-free,

gluten-free and customer-free.

I had their seaweed smoothie once.

First time I ever had a drink that tasted better coming up.

Yeah, well, anyway, she... she hasn't mentioned anything about it to me.

She hasn't mentioned it to anyone.

Then how do you know about it?

Oh, no, Mom, no. Come on.

When Debbie turned 18, we vowed

that we'd never read her diary again.

You read her diary?

That's a sin!

At school, I wouldn't even read Anne Frank's

because she didn't give me permission!

Look, Ray, I promise, we only ever did it to help her.

When she was eight, she cried a lot but wouldn't tell us why,

so I bought her a diary

that had a secret key,

the secret being that I had another copy.

Hmm.

And that's how I learned

that she was wetting the bed.

And like a good older brother, I wet my bed, slept in it,

and in the morning Mom told the whole family it was no big deal.

You spent the night in pee?!

Why didn't you just pour some water on the bed

after you woke up?

Nobody likes a Monday morning quarterback, Ray.

Anyway, according to her diary,

Debbie's thinking about selling her diamond necklace.

Wait. The one she inherited from Great Nana Ruth?

Yes.

Come on, Nathan. Debbie needs us.

Well, I guess I could convince my boss to do a story about healthy living.

We could feature Debbie's café.

Be like a free commercial.

Perfect!

But before I go,

the secret pledge.

If family's in trouble,

we're there on the double.

Mother and son combine as one.

Should've kept that a secret.

The Millers S01E11 "Dear Diary"

Hey, guys. Hey, Dad.

- (Debbie and Adam) Hey. - Hey, listen, uh, can you do me a favor?

I'm doing a story on healthy living, and I need

to feature a place that has food and exercise.

Are you serious?

I mean, being on the news is like free publicity.

We could really use that right now.

Wow. Here I was thinking that you were doing me a favor,

but if it helps all of us, even better. Great. Okay.

Uh, I guess we'll just ask you guys

a couple questions about the café.

Wait. Hold on a second. Wait. We're gonna be on TV? Okay.

Should I do glasses or no glasses? All right.

I'll be sexy. Smart. Sexy. Smart.

Sexy. Oh, man!

That Great Nana Ruth's necklace?

Look at it, around your neck, where it should always be.

Hmm. Yeah. Hey, I'm gonna get Adam's Whispering Frog costume.

Do you think there's a way we can work our slogan in?

"Come for the yoga, namaste for lunch"?

Sure. Anything to take the focus off the food.

Hey, Tom.

Playing yourself in chess, huh?

Who's winning?

Too early to tell.

He is.

You should bring some of your buddies down here.

I think they could use the business.

I don't really have a lot of buddies.

At my age, all the decent men either get swept up

- by women or God. - Well,

if you're looking for a friend, there's a guy in my building,

Walter. Real cool cat.

He's divorced like you, dapper, listens to jazz.

I don't know much about jazz.

I did watch a jazzercise class once, and I...

I remember enjoying that an uncomfortable amount.

Great!

There's jazz in the park every Saturday.

The three of us should go.

Sounds good.

Uh, listen, uh...

Ray, do you mind not telling Nathan you're setting me up?

He'll tell Carol. It'll be a nightmare.

- What are you talking about? - Well, Carol always teased me for...

being awkward around people, claimed that...

she was the only reason we had any friends.

So, anyway, if she finds out you're having to set me up,

she'll know she was right. I'll never hear the end of it.

It'll be like that... that time I got Krazy Glue on my hand.

Mmm. I reached down to scratch my...

I just don't want to hear about it.

Yeah.

So if you Leesburgers are looking for something

other than cheeseburgers,

well, the Whispering Frog Yoga Café h...

has a healthy list of daily specials

all made from organic ingredients.

Like their slogan says, come for the yoga and...

And come for the yoga.

She means "and namaste for lunch."

And come for the yoga.

It's great. I love it.

Can't believe they aired it four times today.

Thank you so, so much. Oh!

Business was great today. We got to do that thing

where you take money to the bank.

Anyway, here's a little token of our appreciation.

Adam turned some leftover mung beans into thank you muffins.

Oh, great. I'll just... I'll put these in the kitchen.

Inside some Tupperware.

Inside more Tupperware.

Inside my garbage.

- Debbie, I'm so glad business is booming. - Yeah, thanks.

- I mean, Nathan's the best. - Well, you know what they say.

Behind every good man is a good woman. Usually his mother.

Okay, I got to go. Thanks again, Nate!

Uh, Debbie, with all those new customers running around,

you may want to tuck your

great-grandmother's necklace into your shirt.

That's a family heirloom we should never be without.

It's just I wear this necklace all the time,

no one says anything about it, and then suddenly

both Mom and Nathan mention it?

Did you tell them we were thinking of selling it?

Did I tell your family, who still wishes

you had married that lawyer Richard,

that we may have to sell a precious heirloom

in order to save our failing business?

No, I did not.

Well, if you didn't say anything, I mean...

Adam.

I think Mom and Nathan might be reading my diary.

Hey.

Is this too much?

I want to make some friends, so Ray is setting me up

with a guy in his building.

Oh. Well, that's nice.

Just don't tell your mother, but Ray said this guy

is very dapper, and I want to impress him,

so I've been digging deep in my closet.

How 'bout this?

Dad, is that from Mikayla's Girl Scout uniform?

Damn it! I hate all my clothes!

You know, if I didn't know any better,

I'd think your dad has a crush on this guy. (chuckles)

What if you read it in my diary?

Would you believe it then?

- Why would you write it... - Listen, if Mom and Nathan are reading my diary,

they're never gonna admit it. But if I put something fake

in it, you know, maybe I could trap 'em.

Okay, wait a second. You don't actually think

you can convince Nathan and your mom that your dad is gay,

do you?

Mikayla's doll had some clip-on earrings.

Does this make me look as cool as Harrison Ford?

Cooler, Dad.

- I'll get a pen. - I'll get my diary.

What?

I was reading Debbie's diary again.

And...?

And...

we might be going to a lot more parades.

Wait, you're telling me that Dad is gay?

That's what Debbie wrote.

Well, maybe she just misunderstood. I mean,

maybe he was just agreeing with her about something.

He has a really weird way of saying "okay."

"Mmm-kay."

Kind of sounds like "I'm gay."

"Mmm-kay?" "I'm gay."

"Mmm-kay."

"I'm gay."

"Debbie, I need to tell you something.

Mmm-kay?"

Listen, when I read it, it was hard for me to believe, too.

But now, thinking back, I can't deny that there were signs.

He was always primping in the bathroom,

almost as bad as you.

Hey. I got carded buying beer last Friday,

so whatever I'm doing is worth it.

You know what? Your father was

always a little awkward trying to make friends with other men.

I used to make fun of him, but I never realized

he might've been sizing them up for sex.