The Other Guy

One day you're gonna turn around

Jesus Christ! Easy.

We used to be best friends. He fucked my ex-girlfriend.

You need to move out.

Going on holidays with your ex

is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

When did it fucking start?

I thought you were on my side,

and you were on their side the whole fucking time!

I didn't ask to know. I didn't want to know.

You were laughing at me the whole time.

Oh, Jesus.

We have a meeting. If you would like this to still be a thing,

then you need to be there.

Fuck!

Oh, no! Are you serious?

I'm sorry.

- I think I'm gonna move out. - Bye, Stevie.

You're late?

Sri Lanka. Yeah.

I lost my girlfriend.

I lost my best friend.

- I lost my hair. - Yeah, right, AJ...

..this is not MasterChef, you don't burst into tears

and move on to the next episode.

Baby Violet, no, no, no. We don't go near AJ, do we?

I'm sorry, babe.

No, he doesn't brush his teeth!

No, baby. Shh, shh.

It's OK, darling, Daddy's here.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Oh, Jesus!

I must've slept through your show.

Well, you slept through it when you were on it,

so why would you stop now?

Violet has outgrown her side crib, OK?

She needs space. Richard and I need space.

- (SIGHS) - AJ, you need to move out!

No. What are you doing? I've got a big interview this morning,

please just give me a couple more days.

No!

- Oi! - A couple more days?

I gave you a couple more days five months ago.

OK, fine, I'll move out.

But I'll get you back one day, Sam.

I'll get my revenge.

I'm gonna introduce Violet to rockabilly.

- (VIOLET CRIES) - Oh, no, you will not!

- Oh, shh, shh, shh. - Yeah, big dresses.

- Mm-hm, that's it. - Bye, AJ.

I'm sorry.

It's the worst kind of music!

It's done by people

who are scared about who they are inside.

I know, it's awful.

Oh, AJ! Good to see you.

I have about six minutes.

Ah, you dressed up for me! I like it.

Oh uh... Yeah, I've got s-somewhere to go after this.

So, Celebrity Fight Club.

Sorry about the late notice, but we lost someone to...

..ice addiction.

- Someone died? - No. Well, his career is dead.

Full-blown psychosis.

He, like, abused the staff,

trashed his trailer.

And he stole my label maker.

Anyway, now, you get a shot.

Assuming you're available

and willing to bruise that pretty face of yours?

To be honest, I will do anything if there's catering.

Mm-hm? Mmm...

Oh...

Ugh! That's vinegar.

Y-you have... You have something on your...

Yeah.

See, this is why I need my label maker.

So um... tell me, what happened to the radio?

Oh um...

..I kinda had a breakdown.

Oh, right. Like a, what, "can't get out of bed" breakdown,

or, like, a "blackout every night" breakdown?

Mm... both.

Yeah, I found out my girlfriend was cheating on me

with my best friend.

Mm. Yeah, been there.

Yeah, it was over the course of about five years

the cheating was happening.

We were together for ten.

At one stage, all three of us were living in the same house.

That's when I found out. She's pregnant now.

- Oh! - It's probably his.

But it could be mine,

'cause we went to Sri Lanka and there was a dip.

Do dips count?

Dips count.

After your first fight in episode one,

tell them that you were imagining your opponent

as your best friend

and you will make it to...

..like, I don't know, ep four on that alone, guaranteed.

- Thanks. - I am going to go and meditate

for 12 minutes,

and then I'm gonna go in and bat for you,

so make sure you're available.

Help yourself.

He said I could have them, therefore they're mine.

Bullshit. Bullshit!

Oh, you're a fucking snake, Malcolm.

You're a slippery fucking serpent.

I held his hand right to the fucking end!

Held his hand to forge his will!

Would you two morons stop it?!

I've got hot party pies here!

Or what?

You will fucking do what?

Yeah, you reckon? You fucking reckon?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I um...

..saw your Facebook post.

So you just rock up for the party?

- I wanted to pay my respects. - What, to the free booze?

I um... I'm sorry that I missed the funeral.

- I had a... job interview. - Right.

You know you've got a cocoon on your shoulder?

What?

Yeah.

No!

No! I had my Celebrity Fight Club interview in this jacket!

Mate, cocoons, not a good look!

I'm not fucking touching you,

you miserable, maggot-ridden slug of a human.

- Take you in the garden. - You reckon?

Yeah.

Let's go outside.

Dad left Uncle Malcolm his cabin in Merimbula

and his 20,000 Qantas points,

so, Fergal, he's a bit... he's dirty about it.

Yeah, I bet! That's a flight to Canberra.

Mm.

How are you feeling about your dad?

Um...

He was a dickhead

and he didn't wanna know me, so...

..not much to feel there. Um...

I just wish he'd left me something, though.

Like, everyone got something.

Do you reckon they'd mind if I took this mushroom?

You know they're not magic mushrooms, right?

You look good. Have you lost weight?

Hey, yeah!

Five months of unemployment, down to two meals a day,

both chips.

Five months, I mean...

..you could've replied to my messages

or called me or something.

Fucking idiots. Party pie?

Hey, Aunty Bev um...

..do you reckon I could have this?

Oh, I'm sorry, love, it wasn't in the will.

But there was something your dad really wanted you to have.

Yeah? Other than abandonment issues?

What is it?

- This? - Yeah.

Get fucked.

Wow!

Congratulations, you are officially a home owner.

Oh, The Big Bilby!

Dad kept promising he'd take me here in this,

but we just never made it past the TAB.

Cheers, Teddy!

Oh, Christ!

- Better than inheriting debt. - Is it?

Is it, though?

I've got nowhere to put this.

Do you realise that?

It's a fucking piece of shit!

I'm still crashing with Dezzy.

Speaking of...

Living with a dealer?

Man, you must be like Augustus Gloop at the Wonka factory.

: I'm so full of chocolate!

Whoa!

Are you not spinning anymore? Fuck!

- Rookie. - Give me another go of that.

Mm!

- This is my producer. - Sure.

The Champ's phone.

Oh, ha! That's cute.

Hey, so, all's looking good for Celebrity Fight Club.

We just need you to do a medical tomorrow

and then we can make it official.

Oh...

Is this, like, a bulk billing thing, or...?

Uh... Yeah, I'll e-mail you the details.

Then we'll get together and have a drink afterwards to celebrate.

Bye!

Oh, thank God!

I've just gotta do a medical and then the job's mine.