Hacks

- Sorry, what... what did you say?

- I didn't say anything. - Oh, thought you did.

So what...what's up?

Is this a two-bedroom?

'Cause I can list it as a two-bedroom

if there's a closet in the storage area.

- Is that my condo? - For now.

Depends on how good your lawyer is.

I can't really afford one.

My best option's Jimmy's cousin

who works in environmental law

and said she'd help me if I get coffee with her son

who wants to "get into comedy," which...

is worth... is worth it.

Ah, there she is.

Wow.

Gorgeous.

- Hi, Deborah. I am so sorry that we are late.

We had to stop at an outlet mall because someone...

uh, thought that you could sleep on jersey sheets.

- You must be the tour manager.

- Yep. Name's Alice. Everybody calls me "Weed."

I know what you're thinking, but I don't touch the stuff.

That's a nickname Pete Wentz gave me.

And once Pete gives you a nickname, it...it sticks.

- I don't know, it sounds like it sticks

'cause that's how you introduce yourself.

You security?

- No, this is Ava, the defendant.

Oh, she's suing me.

I think as a bit. - It's not a bit.

- Not my business. Number one rule:

Weed stays outta the drama.

All right, we're supposed to be on the road 0700 hours.

We're already 30 behind schedule,

but I know Phil's gonna make that up for us.

Best driver in the biz.

And Danny here's gonna get your car back to Vegas.

You'll sit on a towel?

Yes, ma'am.

- Load it up! - Jesus.

Here we are, huh?

Oh!

Welcome to paradise.

Very nice...

- Pete and I used to play dice...right here.

You know him? Now, he's fucking funny.

- Woman's obsessed with Pete Wentz.

- The customizations went great,

and we got the soda machine.

- Oh, Damien, you did good. - Yep. Got a lotta snacks.

We got tons of booze! - Oh, that's awesome,

but actually I won't be having any of that stuff.

I'm doing no drugs, alcohol, junk food,

screen time... trying to be good, you know,

make a big change in my life, so...

- Yeah. I don't know what you were like before,

so that's not really gonna...register for me.

Here's the pisser.

Oh, which reminds me

the number one rule on the bus.

No number two.

- I don't know. I heard the number one rule is

"Weed doesn't get involved in the drama."

Oh, there you go.

Say it louder for the folks up front.

Here's your bunk, kid.

Oh, uh...

Sorry, this is where I sleep? - Yeah.

- It's, uh, it's tight. Less of a bed.

More of a sliver.

- You don't sleep on your side, do you?

'Cause that's probably not gonna work dimension wise.

It's not the Ramada, but you got your privacy.

- Sorry, um, I wanna be a team player here,

but, I mean, why is it so small...

because of this tanning bed?

It's not a tanning bed.

That's my regenerative LED light therapy bed.

- Okay. And where do you sleep?

- Me, I'm up in the passenger seat.

I'm an upright sleeper.

- Isn't that uncomfortable? - No way.

After 30 years on the road,

that's the only way I can sleep.

At home, the only thing you'll find in my bedroom

is a La-Z-Boy.

I'm gonna outlive all of you.

Horizontal sleeping is terrible for you.

Blood pools up... it's poisonous. - Huh.

Interesting that's not more widely known.

- Yeah, well, that's the mattress industry for you.

You see, they're stuffing beds into boxes now,

sending them through the mail?

What's that about?

- Think it's just about people getting beds,

but, hey, is there a place I can store my stuff?

Yeah, you got a hook.

Right there.

- A hook? - Here's your room, Deb.

Holy shit!

Yes, very nice.

Much better master bedroom than the last time

I was on one of these things.

Oh, um, you actually

shouldn't say "master bedroom" anymore

'cause the term is rooted in slavery.

Not your problem to solve.

Lunch 1300 hours!

Let's go Phil!

- Can I get you something, Miss Loretta?

Oh, no, I'm not hungry.

- Come on, come shopping with us.

You can help me pick out a outfit

for Edna's birthday celebration.

- You never take my fashion advice.

- Well, you don't really know that much

about women's bodies, you know?

Come on, it'll be fun.

- Mom. - What?

I know what you're doing,

and you don't have to babysit me.

I'm fine... it was practically a mutual breakup.

These are stale.

Honey...

have you even talked to Wilson at all?

No, I blocked his number.

- Marcus. - Marcus!

- Okay, don't say "Marcus" in unison to me.

Talking is not going to change anything.

He has a job. I have a career.

It's never going to work. - Oh, okay.

Well, can, um, can I keep talking to him?

No!

Okay, I won't.

But if Roman Reigns... - Mm!

Ever goes to the AEW,

can I at least DM him?

Sure, Mom.

If Roman Reigns gets to AEW,

you can DM my ex-boyfriend.

Whoo! Okay.

And thank you, baby. - Mm-mm, girl,

these spicy cashews is good.

I-I'ma take these to go. - Gimme one.

- Enjoy. - Mm-mm. You're on high

blood pressure medicine.

- Hurry up. I got us eating for 30...

no more, no less.

Butts in seats, axles moving at 14:00!

- Got it! - We know!

- Okay. So that is the diner. I called ahead.

They do not have Nancy's organic cottage cheese.

But I'm going to go to that grocery store

where they do have it, and the manager promised me

that they will plate it for you.

- Oh, fabulous, thank you, Damien.

Thank you.

- Oh, I'm gonna run over to that cell phone store.

Could you grab me something to go,

like whatever vegan option they have?

You know, the veggie burgers at these places

can really surprise you.

- That's why I started taking Ape-Brain nootropix,

and I'm thinking better,

I'm pumping better, I'm feeling better.

- Hi. - Oh, uh, Hi.

- I'm, uh, I'm looking for a new phone.

Uh, so like an upgrade?

Mmm, no. Downgrade.

I just need a phone that doesn't have access

to email, internet, social media... just like a dumb phone,

basically like a brick.

Okay, uh...

Ah. So this is a really basic flip phone.

I got it as a buyback from a lady

who got it for her husband who needed really big buttons

'cause of his dementia, but...

he just, d... um, doesn't need it anymore.

I...

love it.

Crazy. All right.

Where is she?

- I think she went to go get a new phone.

I don't know, I wasn't listening.

The girl talks too slow. - Oh, speaking of phones,

I want everybody's phones collected at the show tonight.

I don't want anybody recording material

that I'm still working out.

Show's nowhere near ready.

- Yeah, the Faraday bags have not arrived yet,

but it is Okay.

I have it all worked out.

- You're nine minutes late. We got a problem?

You gonna be an issue for me?

Oh, sorry, sorry.

I just... I saw this water bottle,

and I needed to get it.

- All right, guys. This tour schedule

is one of the most ambitious I've ever seen,