Sam Morril: You've Changed

- -

All right, Boston. Keep it going. Keep it going, guys.

Keep it going. Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Morril!

Hello.

How are you guys? Boston, hello.

- - Hel... Thank you. Uh... All right.

Ah, don't... don't overdo it. It's not gonna be that good, but...

Not a good listener. I'm not a good...

I'm not good in relationships. Very bad at listening.

You ever do this in a relationship?

You ever pop an Adderall and, uh, really listen?

Hit 'em with that performance-enhanced listen.

Like a Viagra but for the relationship.

Some would say more impressive. What's really more impressive:

A hard cock or 45 straight minutes of "hmm"...

"tell me more"?

I'm dating a very nice woman right now.

The other night, I come home from a gig,

she's in my apartment dressed as a schoolgirl.

Which, uh, nice gesture, not really my fetish.

I-I picked her 'cause she's an adult. That's a big part of it, and, uh...

Also, she's older than me. She doesn't even look like a schoolgirl.

She looks more like a dumbass that got held back 20 years.

I'm like, "Oh, neat. I get to bang a special ed all-star tonight.

That's... That's fun."

We're sleeping together one night. While we're doing it, I lost my erection.

It's a... a terrible moment.

You know what I mean? It just slides out

like a drunk being asked to leave the bar.

And he's like, "I'll be back,"

and everyone's like, "I don't know, dude. I"...

And she got insecure. She was like, "Is it me?"

And I was like, "Yeah.

It's not your fault. You're very attractive.

It's just, we've done this a lot."

You ever try to explain the situation, and you make it ten times worse?

I was like, "Look, the penis is like a guard dog.

For a stranger, it's gonna go crazy. But..."

"...with familiarity, it will soften."

And she got angry. She started screaming and cursing at me.

And then I got hard again...

so it could be me.

Been on the road a lot. Been traveling like crazy.

I missed a gig in Vermont recently.

I, uh... I was flying from Texas to Vermont. I had to connect in Philly.

The flight attendants will never admit you're gonna miss the connection.

I told her. I was like, "I'm not gonna make this." She goes, "Trust me."

I said, "I'm looking at the live update." She goes, "I think you'll be okay."

I said, "All right." So, we land in Philly at gate B2.

My connection, F32.

On my phone, it says we're boarding.

So I just held up the phone to show her. She looks at me and she goes, "Run."

Now I'm that lunatic sprinting through the airport.

You've seen that guy. You know it's hopeless.

I get there just as the door is shutting,

and I scream out, out of breath, "Please don't shut the door."

She looks right at me. "I'm so sorry."

Right in my face.

I said, "I really need to get on that flight."

And she goes, "There's nothing that can be done now that the door is shut."

I said, "It was you who shut it though. Please. I've...

I've got a gig tonight in Vermont. I really need to make it."

She goes, "You won't be making that."

So, I ask her, "What do I do?"

She goes, "I can get you a flight, uh, Philly, Chicago, Vermont.

You land at 10:30 p.m." I said, "That doesn't help me."

She goes, "Well, I guess that's your only option."

I said, "Let me think about it." She goes, "It's boarding right now."

I said, "I'll take it." She goes, "All right. It's gate B4."

- So... -

...immediately I start sprinting.

People saw me who saw me run the other way.

It's a humiliating moment.

I get on the next flight by an eyelash.

I should be grateful, but I'm in the last row, middle seat.

That's all they had. I'm fuming.

I start pounding Bloody Marys. Then I start drinking whiskey.

Before I know it, I'm pretty drunk.

And I tweet something along the lines of,

"American Airlines. Decent airline. Didn't appreciate being called a Jew boy."

Did they actually say this?

Look, I didn't hear it verbatim, but they were incredibly rude.

I'm not gonna rule out anti-Semitism.

So, I get an email three days later.

"We take claims like this very seriously. We've conducted an internal investigation.

In the meantime, please enjoy 7,500 bonus points."

Which, you know, sure, I made up the Jew boy thing,

but, still, 7,500 points for a word that harmful

feels like a... a slap in the face.

So I responded, "Shame on you, anti-Semites."

They wrote back, "We've decided to give you an additional 7,500 points."

I just picture them in the boardroom like, "The N-word is worth 25,000.

Um, Jew boy, you have to start low 'cause they will haggle with you.

So, you know, that's, uh..."

Yeah.

Trying to drink less. It's... It's interesting as you get older, right?

In my 20s, I would get wasted. I'd wake up the next morning hungover,

like, "What did I say to that girl last night?" You know?

I wake up hungover now like,

"Did I sign up for Paramount Plus last night? What the...

And Peacock? Oh, my God. I got... I got hammered."

I got really drunk at a steak house with my friend recently though, and, uh...

You know, a few too many Manhattans.

I get back to my apartment. I'm on my phone.

What pops up? It's a little girl with cancer. It's horrible.

I got emotional. I got, like, visibly upset.

I was like, "This is messed up. Life is so unfair."

I made a big donation to the charity.

And then, I woke up the next morning like,

"That is a bit more than I would have given, honestly."

That's a tough situation. There's not a lot you can do.

"Hello, American Express fraud department?

Some piece of garbage stole my card.

No, not the steak house. Saint Jude's Children's Hospital, that's...

that's the one I'm trying to contest here."

You know what a guilty pleasure is when you're drunk? A cigarette.

There's something very old-fashion bad about it. I love it.

You gotta respect the cigarette smoker.

They are slowly killing themselves. You gotta give 'em a nod. Yeah.

Look at the dirtbags in this city. I love it.

So, cigarettes, there's something... ...I don't know.

Like, they do make the vape people look like pussies, don't they?

There's something more trustworthy about the cigarettes.

You see a detective with a cigarette, he's gonna find the missing girl.

He's got a vape pen, she's fucking gone. You know, it's...

And he's gonna break the news to you while breathing kiwi mango in your face.

It's... It's a double bummer.

I'll tell you, the AI scares me.

The... You know, the artificial intelligence,

this new tech, it's all crazy.

They have wheelchairs now that can be driven by neurological impulses.

And I'm like, is that good? I can't control my thoughts.

Some guy's gonna be in a wheelchair like, "That is a hot piece of ass.

Wheelchair, no.

It's the... It's the wheelchair's fault."

How about sex robots? What do you think? You think you'd do it?

- No. - Nah? Just me? All right.

Guess what. You think you won't, but you might.

I think it's gonna be like cell phones. Even if you're broke,

you're gonna be like, "I need a sex robot."

But if you're really broke, you will get a lower-end model.

Like, maybe while you're fucking it, you get ads.

You're balls deep in the robot, all of a sudden you hear...

But I'm gone a lot. I'm on the road a lot.

It is very hard to have a connection with a human being

when you're always connecting through the phone.

It's just not easy to be in a relationship.

For years, I remember, I'd meet girls on apps.

I met a girl on one of the apps once.

In her profile, it said "anti-human trafficking."

Didn't know we had to announce it, but I've never been burned on that one.

I'm on date number four like,

"Oh, you're pro-trafficking. Oh, okay. Nah, it's cool."

I'm still trying to get laid. "Nah, I like that. That's very, um, cool."

I'm messaging with this woman.

We haven't even met in person yet, but we're texting a lot

'cause I'm gone all the time on the road.

She's texting me these very sexual messages,

each one crazier than the last.

She sends me one at one point,

a guy's getting blown with a finger in his butt, a woman's finger.

And, uh, I was shocked, but, you know, shout-out to in-flight Wi-Fi.

It did come through crystal clear, and...

Still a shocking text to get at 30,000 feet in the sky.

Underneath, she writes, "Do you want this to happen to you?"

So, you know, I meet her for a drink and, uh...

I would've turned the plane around if I could,

but I had to wait a couple days.

We're having drinks. She shows me, on the date,

I'd say 157 pictures of her dog.

And I was like, different energy than the other day, but that's okay.

But you know, I'm playing along. I was like, "He's very cute."

And she goes, "That's it? Can't you fake it a little bit?"

And I was like, "That was me faking it, honestly. Um..."

But we get drunker and drunker.

And at one point, she goes, uh, "I have a weird fetish."

And I said, "All right."

She goes, "I really like to pee on men."

And I said, "Excuse me?"

She goes, "It would make me really wet if I could pee on you."

I said, "I think it would make me pretty wet if you peed on me."

She goes, "Would you let me do that to you?"

And I was like... ..."Yeah, what the fuck. You only...

You only live once. What am I, an elitist?"

She starts pointing and laughing at me, and I asked her what the hell's so funny.

She goes, "It was a joke. I was making a joke.

I can't believe you would let someone do that to you. Clearly, that was a joke."

And I was like, "That's... That's not a good joke.

That's not standard humor, is... is you fake a fetish,

the other person bites, and then you point and laugh and shame them.

That's not... That's not great."

She goes, "I guess it wasn't very nice." I said, "It's all right."

She goes, "I'm gonna make it up to you." I said, "Really?"

She goes, "Whatever your actual fetish is, I'm gonna do it to you tonight."

And I said, "Anything?" She goes, "Anything."

I was like, "All right. It would really turn me on if we murdered your dog.

That'd be cool.

Or at least took a pee on your dog.

I feel like your dog should suffer for what I've been through,