Superstore

I just don't understand why you have to move to California.

Because the job is with Zephra, and Zephra's in California.

Okay, maybe I'm not following,

because my whole face has gone numb, and I just hear my own blood.

Wait. Is Jonah going too?

I think I would have gotten the heads up if Jonah were leaving,

and I didn't, so he's not, so we can just stop talking about it.

Actually, uh, yes. I am. I'm going, so…

-Ahh. - Yeah!

Together, baby!

All you haters can suck it!

So, when do you become a soulless suit, and forget about the little guy?

No, it's not…

The whole job is being a liaison to Cloud 9,

so I'm still gonna be working with you guys.

And they're still ironing out the details, but it'll probably be soon.

Damn it!

Oh, not the California thing. I already knew about that.

I actually knew before Jonah. So, no big deal.

But, uh, Brian just texted.

We're supposed to be going to the Aloha Thunder Indoor Waterpark

for a sex weekend, but it turns out they're closing.

Seems like this coronavirus deal is spreading.

Whoa! The NBA just announced they're suspending the season.

- What? -Wow.

More cases are popping up in Oregon, Washington, New York…

You guys, Tom Hanks has it!

What about Rita?

Does it say anything about Rita?

-Ahh, damn. -

And Zephra is adamant that we follow the CDC recommendation

of washing your hands for a full 20 seconds.

Twenty seconds? That's, like, literally forever.

It's about the length of two "Happy Birthdays."

-So just sing that, and you'll be fine. -Yeah, but whose name do we insert?

I have a friend named Ty,

and I have a friend named Alexandrina Geneviva.

Those are two wildly different time frames.

Just say the name Emma.

Oh, God. Is this your way of making us

sing "Happy Birthday" to Emma, because all of her friends ditched her

on her birthday this year?

No, that didn't happen.

Emma is very popular,

and she's dating a very cute boy named Braydon.

Very cute.

I don't mean cute like I think he's hot,

because I'm an adult, and that would be weird.

Whatever, it just… Wash your hands! There's a virus.

Hey, any update on when you two lovebirds are moving to Cali?

Well, um, with all of this craziness, they've pushed my start date.

So it's all a little up in the air.

Just like this virus.

Just kidding. It's not airborne.

Well, we don't know that. It could be. Anyway.

Oh, my God. Hey, everyone's overreacting.

I mean, no friggin' way I'm missing out on spring break this year.

Actually, the latest articles are saying that washing your hands isn't enough.

We should be wearing face coverings, avoiding large groups.

Like, say, 50 plus employees, and an endless stream of customers?

That sounds like here.

Yeah, um… I'll call Zephra.

I'm sure they have more guidelines for us.

But for now, they want everybody to know that, "We value our employees' dedication.

You are essential, and the true heroes during this chaotic time."

Excuse me?

The SVP of Company Communications, Sandy Sugarman, just called us "heroes"?

It's about damn time.

- -Yeah!

Are we still heroes if we definitely wouldn't be here

if we didn't have to be?

I can keep this, right?

You don't care if I keep this, do ya?

What happened to the café?

Oh, um, the governor shut down all indoor dining.

Damn. This is my favorite restaurant.

Uh, are you, are you serious?

-Jonah, just let it go. -No. No, no, no.

Today's restaurant landscape? Have you tried Barrell and Sage?

If you give me your email address, I can send you my list.

- -Let's go, sir. No lingering.

Just pick a conditioner, and keep moving.

Nope, nope. You're fine, sir.

Take all of the time you need.

Ah, he's just putting on a show.

We all know he's just using it to masturbate.

Okay, Dina.

Our customers are already on edge.

They don't need us blowing whistles and yelling at them about masturbation.

Hard disagree. You heard Sugarman.

We are essential.

Customers are like sheep looking for guidance.

Without leaders, sheep start to eat each other.

So, unless one of us leads,

this place is gonna be littered in haggis from here to Sunday.

All right, soft hands. Get goin'.

Sorry. Where's the bottled water?

Oh, that'll be in grocery. Just down there, and to your left.

-Thanks. -Oh, come on.

I'm not a hero.

I'm not a hero!

I guess I'm kinda lucky,

because now that all concerts are shut down,

I don't have to throw that huge, illegal music festival

for my birthday that I charge people for.

I don't think I knew about that.

Oh, really? Tickets are still available. You should check it out.

Hey, they still have some!

Oh, um, sir? If you just wanna wait, we're gonna, um…

If you just give us one second…

We're gonna put it out, so just be chill.

- -Attention shoppers.

We ask that you please not physically wrestle things

from your fellow customers,

there's a highly contractable virus out there that our country

does not have a hold of.

None of y'all are listening, huh?

All right. Enjoy the apocalypse.

Looks like the sheep are starting to eat each other.

Do sheep eat each other?

Isn't that what haggis is? I don't know, Dina said something.

Hey, Mateo?

Did Zephra get back to me about the guidelines?

Oh, yeah. They sent over a very detailed, step-by-step…

JK, they're drowning over there.

Very helpful. Thank you.

Sandra? What…

Okay, well, if they're not gonna help us,

then we're gonna have to figure this out ourselves.

Okay, listen up!

Everybody in single-file lines.

The only people grabbing anything off the shelves

are the employees,

and once you receive your items, please proceed to checkout.

Okay. Great.

-We've got this under control. -Oh, yeah. Totally.

I mean, and this is just temporary, so…

Totally! I mean, couple weeks, we'll be back to normal.

So, whenever at all possible, you must remain six feet apart.

Well, is it six feet from, like, the center of our bodies

or from, like, where our bodies end?

Great question.

Um, I'm gonna say start measuring from nips and tips.

Sorry, are the men measuring from the nips or the tips?

I think women nips, men tips.

-Yeah. -So… Oh, ooh.

Okay! Thank you, Dina.

So, first off, Marcus tested positive

for COVID after attending a spring break party on the lake.

So if any of you have been hanging out with Marcus,

you should leave now.

Yeah, that's what I thought. I just had to ask.

Okay, um, some good news.

Oh, my God. You're pregnant.

- -Jesus, Amy! Again?

-No! -Is it Adam's?

-What? No! -Why would it be Adam's?

-It's usually Adam's. -I'm not pregnant.

I was going to say Zephra finally sent over the safety protocols.

Yay.

So, employees must wipe down the register and credit card machine

after each customer as well as every rolling cart,

door knob, bathroom door, electronic device, and product.

Oh, okay. So everything the air touches.

Got it. Easy.

We're also required to wear masks.

Will they be providing us with masks?

Because I just have this one, and I've been tonguing it like crazy.

Well, don't.

And, no, they're focused

on donating masks and PPE to local hospitals.

So, no extra protection?

I'm like a sitting duck in customer service.

You have any idea how wet-lipped the community is here?

-That's a good point. -Very moist.

Guys, look. I know that this is hard.

But if anybody needs anything, come to me,

and I will do everything I can to keep you safe.

Also, Zephra wants to reiterate that Cloud 9 employees

-are the true heroes of the Zephra family. -Damn right!

-You got that right! -No, Glenn! Six feet!

Oh, sorry.

We're limiting toilet paper to one pack per household.

My kids have separate households.

There's, like, no way that baby has its own household.

This is so unfair!

I know, there's never any left for us to buy at the end of the shift.

Bo and I have had to start using newspaper.

The ink's starting to turn our butts weird colors.

Which is cool, but probably not healthy.

What if we set a pack aside somewhere, out of sight,

then at the end of the day, we split it?

Oh, man. We totally should.

And it's not like we're stealing. We're still gonna pay for it.

-Of course. -You know what?

Maybe we should also put aside some Dinosaur mac and cheese.

Bo's really into science right now.

So, no returns on food, clothing, or anything that looks open.

Oh, great, more reasons for the wet-lips to yell at me.

Also, we're out of cleaning spray.