Squidbillies

This show is called Squidbillies.

It takes place in a quiet little town nestled in the North Georgia mountains.

It has a gas station, a dance studio, a Sheriff's office.

Look! There's the Sheriff.

Three years from now he'll die of emphysema.

% He'll die of emphysema %

% Three years from now %

That large building over there is Dan Halen's Sheetrock.

They specialize in sheetrock, sheetrock mud, sheetrock screws...

pharmaceuticals, petroleum, global mass media...

third world covert military operations, and...

The baby hammock!

There's got to be a better way.

There is!

Just connect the razor sharp hooks...

to the dangerous mesh cocoon, and presto!

Another dead baby? Sue the parents!

Take them for every dime.

By calling the baby hammock a baby deathtrap...

the parents had violated Dan Halen's copyright

on the term "baby deathtrap," which he was already using for...

The baby deathtrap!

There's got to be a better way.

There is!

Just place your baby next to the magical electromonkey.

% Oh, go on, they don't care about that %

% Let it go %

All right.

So who else lives here?

There's Space Baby.

And Snakeman.

Can't see who he's talking to.

It doesn't really matter.

That boy is Billy Morton, star of the football team.

Your daddy whittled you some fine limbs, son.

Watch this.

- They're talking playoffs this year. - Well, I better get to practice, Sheriff.

- Stay sweet, Billy. - I will, Sher--

Damn it! There goes the season.

This is the story of all the people that live in this mountain town.

But mostly, it's the story of Early Cuyler.

Sweet, divine, delicious.

Excuse me.

You reckon you could give me permission to date your pumpkin?

- Get off my porch. - Get out of your house!

How do you like that? You like that?

Early's real story begins 15 years ago.

% Early Cuyler was a young squid %

% Young squid with his heart on fire %

Early, baby, I'm gonna love you...

till the mountains and the oceans, like, collide with the sun...

and like everything on the Earth's dead, except for you and me and our love.

No!

You ain't gonna touch my front butt.

Unless I get one of them sport radio things with the ear buds.

And the autoreverse!

I can't be joggin' and flippin' tapes and drink my sip.

All right, then.

Lookit here! You give me all that money you keepin' in that damn robot box.

- Give it to me now! Do it! Do it! - Here you go, take it.

Now, can I please have one of them walkmans?

- That'll be $34 if you got it. - This oughta cover it.

Oh, that's... Thanks, Early.

Ain't no Early here! Give me all that money!

Do it! Let's go! Do it! Do it! Now! Now!

- Take it all. Just don't hurt me. - Thank you, Boyd.

We'll see you in church.

Bye, Early.

That night the couple made sweet, sweet love.

Without Early.

Baby doll? Baby doll? You in there?

I got some real special words for you.

Baby doll, will you marry me?

Yeah, I guess.

And bring me that tape player!

- Give it here. - Now, which end you want me on?

You ain't get me no tape cassette?

Oh, flip tapes I know... Flappin' cake tape capes... tape cassette.

Camper Van Whobilly what?! Hell, no!

Did you hear me?

I said Bad Company, 10 from 6. Now move! Let's go, let's go.

I'm doing it.

You even believing this mess?

What about a damn headache powder?

Do your damn job.

Sheriff, hey, it's me, Early.

Early Cuyler spent the next 15 years in prison.

% Hard times, hard times %

% Lord, how do they hang down %

One and two and three and twirl. Two and...

No, no, no. You twirl on four!

- This ain't gon' be worth a damn. - One and two and three and twirl...

Meanwhile, Early's dear fiancée waited for him.

For 12.14 seconds.

Oh my God, it's even got a jog timer!

I'm gonna be a jogger.

And with this free one year subscription digital watch...

I now pronounce you man of snakeish descent and...

lordy.

She was carrying the fruit of Early's efforts.

- Thank God you're here. Please help! - Not him.

- No, wait, don't leave, no! - Him.