iCarly

Ooh!

Look, Freddie. Spit-shined and ready to go.

Wait.

Just needed a little more spit.

Ooh, is this one of those edible arrangements?

No.

So, are you nervous?

Does LeBron James get nervous before the big game?

Are you LeBron James in this situation?

I'm the one who convinced these two to give it a shot,

but you don't see anyone giving me a diamond.

Do you think they'll give me a diamond?

Oh, Millicent, this isn't about you.

Now let me stand to your right

so I get my good side in the pictures.

Oh, I got it.

: Yes!

It's covered in my mother's spit.

It really is.

"Hello, Carly. We haven't spoken in three weeks,

so let me just say something weird to you."

Uh, is this an intervention?

- (door closes) - Fine, Marissa.

It is me eating your makeup,

but I can stop any time I want!

Lewbert Robinette Patricia Sline...

: Robinette Patricia?

: I know. I love it.

Lewbert, my Big Sline,

- my Sline Ball. - Uh...

Will you make me the happiest mother of Freddie on earth?

Is that a no?

I want what they have.

- Do you? - Not really.

- (door opens) - Hey, Freddie...

- Oh, yay! - Hi. - Hi.

Pearl's here! Everybody, look!

It's Pearl and she's here!

A toast to Pearl!

Who is here!

Ah.

Thanks,

- but Freddie is all the toast that I need. - Aw.

These are both empty.

I'm engaged!

I'm gonna dig up my mom and laugh in her face!

Aw, another couple as happy as we are.

- (chuckles) - Sad I missed it.

Oh, hey, no prob, I caught the whole thing.

: It looks like Freddie is proposing to Carly.

You want me to text it to you?

: If you had been here,

you would have laughed and laughed,

or made the face you're making right now.

* I know *

* You see *

* Somehow the world will change for me *

* And be so wonderful *

* So wake up the members of my nation *

* It's your time to be *

* There's no chance unless you take one *

* And the time to see the brighter side *

* Of every situation *

* Some things are meant to be *

* So give me your best and leave the rest to me. *

So, what'll it be?

Wine and crying, or whiskey and light violence?

You're sweet, but it's just gonna be

my regular nightly routine--

drinking kombucha from a wine glass

and watching videos of soldiers reuniting with their dogs.

I'm fine.

Really? 'Cause that was more awkward than

when we had to tell Millicent her goldfish moved to Canada

for the health care.

Which part?

Almost proposing to Carly

after not talking to her for three weeks?

My girlfriend walking in right after?

My mom getting engaged to the adult man I bullied as a child?

Pearl outright refusing my offer to text her that video?

So, you and Carly really didn't talk

the entire time you were gone?

Of course we didn't.

He was on a super romantic road trip.

With my girlfriend.

Pearl thought Carly and I were in love,

and I want it to work with Pearl, so I said,

"Let's get in the car and just drive."

- (chuckles) Mm-hmm. Yeah. - You know, spontaneous, romantic.

A logistical nightmare.

Who's driving? Where are you staying?

How long are you milking one pair of underwear?

It was just what we needed.

That and couples therapy four times a week.

Mm. I can't do therapy. Too smart for it.

They're so committed.

I mean, paying $200 an hour to someone who knows

what the problem is but refuses to tell you?

Freddie and Pearl are thriving.

Okay, but what about Freddie and Carly?

When he ran after Pearl on his birthday,

you waited up for him all night, crying.

I was watching a sad movie.

The sad movie was your life.

Fine. You know, I was upset that night.

I wanted a conversation.

And instead, I got a text two days later.

"Hit the open road with my lady. Talk soon?"

Stalk of wheat emoji.

A perfect text.

Stalk of wheat means impotence.

So, that's it.

No part of you thinks that you're into Freddie?

Well, that's the thing.

You know, I shouldn't have to think about it.

I want someone that I am crazy about.

Someone that makes my knees buckle.

I just wish she'd stop running away from the conversation.

You drove through six states and three sovereign indigenous areas

in the same pair of underwear

to get away from that exact conversation.

Well, he's back now. You guys can talk.

And I so want to do that,

but I can't.

Not everybody has time to just go gallivanting

across the Pacific Northwest like some GD Sasquatch.

I'm too busy with my new project.

And if that project is real, I'm very happy for you.

: Oh, it's real.

: Paul, I need a new project.

A real one.

An outdoor Las Vegas wedding in August at high noon?

What a dream!

We were considering Hawaii, but there's just something classy

about a place where you can smoke in church.

- Your Uber's here, lemon peel. - Oh.

I use Marissa's account since my rating is a 0.3.

They're literally allowed to leave me anywhere.

You will always have five stars with this girl.

It's sweet to see you so excited

for their outdoor high noon Las Vegas-- Wait a minute.

I happened to hack into Grandma B's email

and saw who she's considering for maid of honor.

Danica from book club.

Wait, which Danica?

The Danica who thought Lean In was too sexy,

or the Danica who never takes off her beret?

- Beret. - Oh, Danica.

Wait, have you hacked into my email?

No, I respect you too much. Wink.

Don't feel bad. Danica's been a maid of honor before,

and those dogs are still together.

Are you saying all I have to do is

prove I'll be a better maid of honor for Grandma B,

and the gig is mine?

You know I'm not.

So glad I got to meet up with my favorite client in person.

You know, on the phone, it's all business.

If I don't get a new project immediately,

I am going to burn this city to the ground.

My cat's surgery went great. Thanks for asking.

- How about TV? - I don't know.

The last time I did a TV show, I got replaced by a dinosaur.

Well, kids love dinosaurs.

This would be reality TV, so it'll be real.

Networks are hot for shows about content creators.

They figure your followers will watch it.

They won't, but who cares?

We'll already have the cash.

As long as I have total control but people still like me.

I want to be an absolute boss in a fun way.

Like "Go ahead, wear jeans on Fridays, but fear me."

Bully me, queen. (chuckles)

First thing we need is a hook,

like how the D'Amelios are sisters,

or how the Kardashians are sisters.

Well, I guess the hook is a sister.

I only have a brother.

Oh, right, Spencer.

No.

You know who might make good TV? Freddie.

Freddie? Freddie Benson?

Fredward "Freduccini" Benson?

The neighbor boy who does the five, four, three, two?

: Oh, I think I know what's going on.

Five, four, three, two, you're smashing.

What? No! Freddie has a girlfriend.

Presumably they're smashing.

Oh, so it's a love triangle?

Because that's a hook.

Amore triangula.

Except there is no triangle.

There's a love line between Freddie and Pearl.

He and I are a squiggle at best.

A squiggle. We're gonna win an Emmy!

Whoo!

Look, I am gonna bring so much drama,

you're not gonna even care that Freddie's girlfriend

- accused us of being in love. - (gasps)