The Beauty

- You look... - Twelve.

I look like I'm 12.

I didn't even know this was possible.

To regress this far. Become a child.

I'm still me.

Just like when you changed.

You were still you inside.

Yeah, I know.

We can't afford to be emotional right now.

We don't have time to mess around with that.

We need to move.

- Where? - To stop him. I'm not just gonna give up.

Cooper, look at yourself.

You'll trip over your goddamn trousers before you can even draw your gun.

- Give it to me. - What?

My gun. Let's go.

I won't stay like this.

I'll grow up one day.

Right?

Well, maybe this is a gift, you know?

Maybe you can just say screw it and start your life again from scratch.

Knowing everything that you do now.

That would be a gift, right?

- Tequila, please. Neat. - You got it.

- Boyfriend got a poopy diaper? - Oh, fuck you.

I'm sorry.

- I really am. - Here you go, ma'am.

I just find this all inexplicable and fucking…

Terrifying.

So I joke.

How is he?

He's tired and wanted to lay down for a bit.

- He doesn't have any pubic hair. - One less thing to worry about.

I don't have any.

- Can't blame him. - This shit can't be permanent, right?

Stop asking me shit like that. How the fuck am I supposed to know?

Calm down. Calm down. We have to strategize.

Are we still going for it?

Fuck yes, we are.

We just need to get our shit together and move.

Right.

Then what the fuck is the plan?

I say we call Diana. Get his location.

Use her and his wife, who apparently hates him, to breach access.

Then we slit his fucking throat.

Stop this. Stop what happened to us, and now Coop,

who's been dealt the most fucked-up hand of all. How does that sound?

Yeah, I fuck with that.

God, I love it when a plan comes together.

Obesity and advanced diabetes were threatening my life

and my legs.

I was told amputation was in my future.

I'm living my best life.

After a life filled with antidepressants…

No.

…I became a cop to help me cope…

Hey, I thought this shit wasn't dropping till tomorrow.

Cursed by my family genes.

Until now.

What is this?

We're too late.

Is this a joke? This is crazy.

No need to consult a doctor. Protector boosters are approved for everyone.

Need help cleaning up your gooey sac

or a soothing voice to hold you through those beautiful sweats?

Visit The Beauty website to find the package that's right for you.

- Don-Don't do it. - Stop. It's fine. God.

You told me it needed another week to heal.

I need to see my new fucking nose.

Go outside if you're gonna be such a Karen.

- - Oh, God! I can't.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

- Does it hurt? - Yes, it fucking hurts.

What the fuck?

Are you okay?

Look at this.

- It looks great. - This is not a Kendall Jenner.

I showed that fucking butcher, like, 50 classic KJen shots, and this,

this is what the best in Montclair comes up with for seven fucking grand?

Do you know how many summers I saved up for this?

How can you even tell with all the swelling and the bruising?

You remember in second grade, I broke my collarbone.

We both thought I was gonna be lopsided for life.

Update. I'm not.

- Stop. - Why? It's already fucked-up.

No curve.

No point.

- All I see is my fucking dad. - Ruthie...

No one wants to make out with a chick with the face of a contractor.

- Relax, you're gonna make it worse. - It's throbbing.

Look, I'm not insane.

I let go of our Vogue cover dreams long, long ago.

But, like…

This was all part of a plan.

I only applied to out-of-state schools for a reason.

I can't continue the next stage of my life being the same sad tomboy Ruthie

with a big fucking beak.

I need to launch a new version of me.

A beautiful me.

I feel it too.

You know how hard it is for me to find jeans

that give my ass a boost and hide my extra squish?

Mm-hmm.

- But you are more than your nose. -

You are amazing, and you will do amazing things no matter what.

You are beautiful.

Got it?

- - Oh.

Fuck. Oh. One second.

Oh, my God.

Obesity and advanced diabetes were threatening my life

and my legs…

Visit The Beauty website to find

the package that's right for you.

… amputation was in my future.

But not anymore thanks to The Beauty…

Long ago, we were forced to leave our best selves behind.

After a life filled with antidepressants

and crummy therapists…

Cursed by my family genes.

Need help cleaning up your gooey sac…

Get jabbed and feel fab today.

Aging, illness, no nursing home.

I can't even remember my own name…

No need to consult a doctor.

Get jabbed and feel fab today.

Hey, cunt.

Yeah, you. Remember me?

I know. I got the shot.

That's right.

And now I have a better rack, ass, and Mark Wyler won't stop liking my posts.

No fucking way.

- -

- Fight! Fight! -

Enjoy the view, bitch!

- -

Look at you! Look at me!

I won!

I'm gonna kill you all!

- What the hell just happened? -

Tina Castle just whooped Kallie Hanigan's ass.

Tina with the front butt and training bra?

- - She got the shot.

She got The Beauty.

What?

She's stunning.

Yeah.

And that side is called the hypotenuse.

To find that, use a simple little formula called… …the Pythagorean theorem

which, of course, as you can see on the board,

is A squared, plus B squared equals C squared.

Send the nurse to room 216. Now.

- -

Hold him so he doesn't hurt his head. This is epilepsy.

Grab his feet.

He took something. What did he take?

- Joe, he took something. What did he take? - Nothing. I swear.

We can't help him if you don't tell me. You're his best friend.

He told me he got the shot this morning.

This is The Beauty?

Despite his shocking transformation,

the president says it is the best he's ever felt.

Declaring this a new pharmaceutical fountain of youth

and a modern-day scientific miracle .

On his way to Marine One,

he declared that he felt and looked so much younger that, quote,

"Along with running for a third term,

I'm also going to run for a fourth and a fifth,"

end quote .

Byron Forst is a genius,

I look forward to hanging the Medal of Freedom around his neck…

That stuff's really everywhere.

…when he's at the White House next week.

Before leaving on his trip to a NATO conference,

the president revealed that every member of his cabinet has been given the drug

and cleared the way for emergency use authorization.

With further federal backing, full FDA approval is immediately in effect…