Web Therapy

- Previously on Web Therapy... - Oh, my God.

Like, not having a job sucks ass.

Oh.

It's Yukon Canneries in Nome.

So I thought that would be a good one.

You want me to be a gnome?

Is that like a smurf?

And also you should know that I did get accredited.

Thank you. No, it wasn't too--

Well, it was difficult, yes.

So anyway I'm swamped now with clients.

Hello, I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice,

and you are Newell L. Miller. Hello.

An "L"? What does the "L" stand for?

- Lloyd? - Look at you.

Yes. Oh, have you not done Skype before?

You look-- You look amazing.

Oh. Thank you.

I remember you.

- Oh. - I remember you.

Oh, I...Don't remember you.

You don't remem--You don't--Nothing, huh?

No, I don--was it a political fundraiser or...?

- I remember that mouth. - Oh...

That's--That's funny, I don't recall you

as a friend or anything. I don't--

No? Miller doesn't ring a bell?

Uh-oh, if you're famous, then I'm sorry.

- I don't know actors. - Miller? Nothing?

- Neville Miller? - No, it says "Newell Miller".

Yeah, I know what it says!

Neville Miller, ring a bell?

Well, you're already angry.

We haven't even had our first session.

That's new.

What?

Um...I, uh, I can't do this right now.

You didn't turn off your computer.

You di--Oh. Fucking--

Glad I could help.

Hello, I'm Dr. Fiona Wallice, and you are Patrick Fitzpatrick.

Well, uh, no, clearly, I'm not.

I use that name on the Internet,

but, as you can see, I'm conan O'Brien, so...

Oh. No, I couldn't see.

And Conan O'Brien is your real name.

Like Conan the Barbarian.

- No, I'm--I'm actually-- - That's an interesting name.

I'm actually the Conan O'Brien, so we can, uh--

And "the" would mean...

The talk show host.

The comedian.

I'm Conan O'Brien.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with your

with your show.

What--I don't know-- When is your show on?

It's on TBS. It's on 11:00.

Oh, right, so I wouldn't have seen it.

- I don't need sleep aids, so... - Okay, well--

- I don't watch those shows. - Yeah.

Well, anyway, I've been doing this for a long time.

- Oh, good for you. - About 18 years.

- Oh. Okay. - And, uh, you know, I've been--

Well that explains a lot, 'cause 18 years,

and so it's a midlife thing.

You've been at it for 18 years and still waiting.

Okay, I understand.

Waiting for--I-I don't...

For the big hit, you know?

For it all to come together in a way that you would--

No, I-I'm pretty-- I feel pretty secure

that I've had some success in the business and, uh--

- Yes? - Yeah, yeah.

And I'm known.

When I go to a restaurant, they seat me pretty quickly.

- Oh. - Uh, that's a sign.

- "Right this way". - Oh, wait.

Can you just pause for one second?

I can't pay attention

'cause I'm googling you.

I think it's nice to know who--

Who I'm dealing with.

Oh, okay, yes. That's--

Oh, Team something, Team Your name, and then it's Team Coco?

- That's-- - So is that Coco Chanel?

- Are you... - No, no.

Is it a fashion late night talk show?

No, no, no, Coco is a nickname that Tom Hanks gave me and--

Oh, he's very famous. Congratulations.

Anyway, I've been doing this a long time,

and I- I heard about your service, and I was intrigued,

because it's anonymous, and, you know, you can imagine

if someone like me went into Beverly Hills

and be seen walking into a therapist's office...

- Right. - Because people would,

- you know, they'd recognize me. - Would they?

Yeah, there'd be a lot of people.

- Really? - And it would probably be

in the tabloids, you know,

"Conan O'Brien goes to therapist."

- Oh, really? - Or Cona--

Don't recall ever seeing you in the tabloids.

Twice. Twice I've been in the tabloids.

- Twice? - And it's been--Yeah.

- Okay. - Locked myself out of my car,

- and they were there. - Oh.

- Anyway-- - That's embarrassing.

I'd like to get some stuff resolved in privacy...

- Yeah. - And this seemed

- like a good idea. - Okay.

No one sees me come, no one sees me go.

And I'm here in a very comfortable space.

This is my--This is my man cave.

- Oh. - Yeah.

It's a basement?

Yeah. Yeah. It's a place that my wife

lets me have this corner just for me.

And, uh--Until her in-laws come.

- But this is mostly my space. - Uh-huh.

And so I can just be me, and I don't have to be that Conan

that everyone knows.

It's funny that you refer

to your parents as her in-laws.

That's the first thing I picked up on

that I think is very telling.

Yeah, my parents come a lot,

- and I call them her in-laws... - Right.

'Cause I get angry when I talk about my parents.

- That helps me. - That's very interesting.

I have a lot of, uh, anger about different things,

and I have trouble-- I have trouble

expressing it in a healthy way.

That's true because you did--

You said it made you angry,

and I didn't see any sign of it.

Yeah, the way I grew up as an Irish catholic,

- you couldn't express your anger. - Right.

And I had a therapist once who said, "own your anger".

The only good thing about owning anything

is that you're able to sell it later.

So I don't agree with that term.

I don't know what that meant.

So you don't own your anger.

Do you lease your anger?

Maybe you can do a lease-to-own--I'm sorry.

I just find it funny that--

No, it's--it's very funny, and I'm--I'm--

Obviously I know funny, and that's funny.

Oh, you do? Okay.

So it's a comedy show?

Yes, yeah, I'm actually-- I'm the host--

I'm the host of the show.

- I'm-- - Oh, you're on camera?

- Yes. - Oh, good for you.

- Well that's wonderful. - Yeah, I'm on camera.

Why would you think I wasn't on camera?

I didn't know.

You just said you had your own show

and that there was a, you know,

a Team Coco, so I thought it was a brand.

Maybe you were--Maybe it was a cartoon show

and you were a cartoon character or some--

I didn't--I mean, I'm sorry I don't know who you are.

- I don't... - No, it's just interesting

to me that you look at me and you don't--

I don't look like someone who would be on camera.

No, you don't at all.

Thank you for being understanding then.

You have a good ego about this, you know?

Do you think I-I don't--

I'm not good-looking enough to be on camera?

- Is that--I mean, I'm-- - I didn't say that,

but if that's what you want to hear.

- No. - Then that's another issue

- we could deal with. - I don't wanna hear that.

Would you like to deal with the low--You know,

your self image or do you want to deal with the anger?

Okay, I'm--Now I'm confused.

I guess I'd like to talk about the anger.

- Okay. - And we'll shelve the part

where you're shocked that I could be on camera.

We'll put that in a box and put it to the side.

Well, it's something to think about,

but like you said, let's shelve that,

and then let's pick up the anger issue...

- Okay. - And see how we can have you

- "own it" more. - All right.

- Well, I-- - So you don't--

It's not anger management.

- No. - It's the opposite of that.

It's expressing anger that you need.

I have to always be the nice guy,

always be the funny guy,

always be the guy that always makes them laugh.

How tiresome.

Not just for you, but for the people around you.

You must have a wonderful wife.

That's lucky.

Something to be grateful for.

Yeah. Well, I am grateful.