Taskmaster

Ha-ha!

No way!

Er... Gosh!

Where's the hole?

Ah!

Are you having a laugh?

Oh! Oh!

This program me contains strong language and adult humour

Hello, welcome.

It's Taskmaster, it's episode eight.

I'm Greg Davies — sweet, sweet eye candy for your mum and your auntie.

Five funny clowns have been battling it out over several episodes now.

Some have proved themselves surprisingly resourceful,

others have made their families worry about

whether they're looking after themselves.

One and one alone will lift a papier-mache trophy

into the air and shout, "This?! I went through all that for this?!"

Let us meet the jesters on the battlefield of the absurd.

They are Ardal O'Hanlon...

Bridget Christie...

Chris Ramsey...

judi Love...

and Sophie Duker.

And next to me, a man who cries every time he watches Free Willy

and who frees his willy every time he cries.

It's little Alex Horne.

Hello, Greg. Hello, everybody. Nice to be here.

All right? Yes, I've got new shoes. Feeling confident. You like them?

Well, they're better than your usual plastic slip-ons, I suppose.

Yeah. They're very nice. They're quite tall.

They're quite tall. Where do you think they end, Greg?

Where do you think they end?

I just... I've made you little windows.

I've just seen those. Yes. Do you think they come up to,

to my shin, Greg? Do you want to open the window?

I thought you'd like this.

Yeah, the, the shoes are still going. Yeah.

Do you want to look at the knee?

Yeah. See if they're still... They can't be still going.

They're still going. OK. Oh, they can't be up the thigh.

Do you want to have a little look, Greg?

Yeah, yeah, you're wearing thigh-high boots, Alex.

Let's get on with the show, shall we?

Yes, here we go, it's Prize Task time and,

this Prize Task time, they've all brought in

the loveliest thing to hold above your head.

Ooh. Greg will give five points

for the thing that he thinks is the loveliest to hold

above your head, and then tonight's winner will take home

five things that are lovely to hold above your head. That's it.

Sophie Duker, what have you brought in, please?

I've brought a teeny, tiny trophy.

Here it is.

Er, this is it compared to a mighty trophy.

There we go. It is a teeny, tiny trophy.

Now, that sort of endears me to it a little bit.

Yeah. It's a teeny, tiny trophy that I won

the very first time I did stand-up in a stand-up competition.

And they bulk-bought teeny, tiny trophies.

They gave it to anyone who believed in herself enough

to get up on the stage and do two minutes

of teeny, tiny, trophy-worthy material.

That is quite cute. And that's what I did. Yeah.

And it got an "ah" from the audience.

Yeah. Which is very clever.

Chris, something meaningful to hold above your head?

Yes. Now, we all know the best thing to hold above your head

is your hands.

You can wave them in the air like you just don't care.

Yeah? This is worse than teeny, tiny trophy.

I've brought in the un—untuckable shirt.

Here it is, the un-un-tuckable shirt.

Oh!

I was not expecting to get turned on this early in the show.

But that. The shirt... That is horrendous.

The shirt is sewn directly onto your underpants

and it is impossible to untuck.

The self-confidence I would feel would be lovely,

knowing that my big belly's not going to fall out,

followed by my awful genitals.

I feel like you're tucking in too far into the wrong bit.

OK, it might not be lovely, but it is,

it is very practical and does genuinely appeal to me.

Ah, Judi.

I went for a lovely fan.

Yes, Judi's brought in a fan.

There it is.

Yep. I mean the obvious thing to do with that is

to hold it aloft above one's head.

Well, it's when you get... Look, you know how hot you get

cos you're hot, right?

Imagine if, in the most hottest time of your life,

you could just stand there... I'd think, "Ooh, I could do with a fan."

"Over my head." But, oh, I'm holding it above my own head?

Yeah, you know that moment when you walk in and the air con hits you?

You hold that fan too high,

you are going to untuck your shirt, and it's going to be terrible.

Do you know what would go well with that?

One point.

Ardal, only you can, er, help Judi out.

The loveliest thing to hold above your head is a table tennis bat.

You are back in the game.

He has brought that in, and there it is.

It's a table tennis paddle or bat.

Well, it's a, a great way of making friends.

Like, let's say you're at a railway station.

OK. And you hold the table tennis bat above your head,

you will quickly attract followers.

They will think that you're some sort of a tour guide

and they will join in, and you can bring them places,

and you can certainly get to the front of the queue at,

at a museum.

Thanks, Ardal.

Bridget. Oh! I have brought in a handmade,

lace parasol that was made by a neighbour for her child.

When her child was young, she accidentally,

they went to the beach and it burnt a bit.

It? The, the child.

It? She hadn't put the... Shush!

Sunblock and stuff on, so she made a parasol

for the child when it was younger,

and then, when I had my children, she said,

"Would you like this for yours?"

Here is the vintage parasol. Beautiful.

Oh. Ooh. Lovely.

Ooh, it is nice. It's lovely, isn't it?

You could spin that behind you as well.

Yeah, but when you're walking round with that parasol above your head,

like, do hundreds of tourists follow you?

So, it's pretty straightforward, as far as I'm concerned.

Ardal can thank me for one point for his bat.

One. Two points for a fan that helps no—one

is the most generous thing I've ever done.

Er, just because it doesn't really go fully above your head,

but I do so admire and want it, I'll give three points to

the pant/shirt combination.

Mr Chris Ramsey. And then there will be a jump up

because of the emotional content...

they've got to take five points each.

OK, so it's five points to Sophie and Bridget.

Yeah!

I'd like the first task, please.

Certainly, and we're going global with this one,

because it's time to find out who's the best E test.

In you pop, Ardal.

Yes, thank you.

Hello? Hello.

Oh, no!

Swedish.

Learn Swedish. Oh, shitting hell!

"You'll have a five—minute conversation with a Swedish person

"in 15 minutes from now."

"The phrase book and tablet must remain in the caravan."

Best demonstration of the Swedish language wins.

Your time starts when you first said "Swedish."

What? So it already started?

Yeah.

Pretty straightforward. Mm-hm.

Learn a language. Yes. How long did they have?

15 minutes, but it is a category-one language, Swedish.

It's as easy as French or Spanish to English speakers.

Oh, thank you. Well, move over, Punch and Judy and make way for

Judi and Chris. Here we go.

Tack's got to be thank you.

Ooh!

Tack. Tank. Tank.

Tank.

Adjo, goodbye.

Boom!

Ne} Ne.

Nej-Nell-.

Nej. Nej.

Five out of six.

If he says them words, I'm laughing me head off.

Ar? Ar.

Ar, at, at.

Oh, oh, yeah, at. Eh'?

Sorry?

Please come and talk to a Swedish person. Oh, man.

Judi, we have to go and talk to a Swedish person now.

OK.

Oh! I was wondering how he wouldn't be here.

OK. I'm good with iPads.

OK, Judi, your five minutes starts now.

Heja.

Hey.

Er...

He's-.

I've, I've forgot it all.

Ven samale England.

Ven samale England.

Mm...

Hungrig? Erm...

Oh, er...

Ute Ho“.

Yea h, lite trott.

Hej, Judi.

Is he still there?

Yes, he's still there, Chris.

God, er...