Squidbillies

% My dreams are all dead and buried %

% Sometimes l wish the sun would just explode %

% When God comes and calls me to His kingdom %

% l'll take all you sons of bitches when l go %

- My turn. - Hell, no.

- Man, let me drive that thing. Come on! - Do not touch the trim!

That's how you make yourself a badass ponytail.

- That's pretty badass, huh? - Now you wild!

- Am l ever gonna walk again? - l would say no.

Hey, Sheriff, how you doing?

You working hard or you just hardly working?

Get it?

Damn, Sheriff, you sweating like a one-armed man in a...

running in a... exercises and something like that, you know.

lt's not sweat, it's water. You see my house down there?

Apparently someone ripped the pipes out of my basement last night.

So you come up here to buy yourself some pipes?

Well, then, just follow the blue lights to savings.

And that would explain the missing siren.

That would explain the missing siren, huh?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Early, hop in. We need to take a ride into town.

- Daddy, not again. - Oh, hell.

l got my own cuffs this time. Yours pinch.

We're not going to jail, Early.

We're gonna take you to one of them head doctors...

and see if he can help you with your criminal problems.

No, thank you. l don't do business over the telephone with the government.

- Hell, you're the one that needs it. - Early, this isn't about me. lt's about you.

lt's all about him. lt's always about him.

No one cares about how l feel, and l'll tell ya, l'm drowning in this.

Right, OK. Let me just take in what just happened...

and now l'm gonna turn to you, Early...

and l'm gonna ask you point blank, how do you feel?

Well, sometimes l feel like a nut, and sometimes l don't.

- So that's a joke? - See? He doesn't think about his feelings.

He just puts 'em away in his pocket...

and then he runs over to my basement and rips out all my pipes!

Now, hold on. l needed that copper.

Come on, now, doc, it weren't like l was wasting it.

- l'm running a damn business here. - The business of betrayal.

God, here comes Ruby Falls.

Thank you.

When have l ever denied you the right to be deceptified by me?

When? Just name one. When? When?

The picnic. Remember that?

Are you gonna count every time l was stoned?

We'll be here all night, then.

OK, l just want to intervene here for one second...

because if you guys have just come here to assign blame...

this is probably not a good place to do it.

You know, it sounds to me like neither of you really understand...

where the other one is coming from.

So what l want you to do is switch roles.

You need to walk a mile in the other man's shoes.

- l ain't got no shoes. - Look, you know what l mean.

l usually serve lunch to the inmates about now. l got the menu...

Lockdown!

That's a pretty good technique but generally l won't do a lockdown...

unless there's a prison break or a race riot.

Shut your damn mouth, Squidbill!

l think you're missing the point of this exercise.

l think you're missing the next three meals, mister!

- Deputy Russell, put him in the hole. - Which hole you want him in?

The tiny one!

l don't think we learned one blessed thing.

Did l tell you he sold my house? He sold my house!

No, that... ls that true, Early? That can't be true.

- Early? - He's talking to you, Haus.

- Actually, l think he's talking to you. - Nobody gives a damn.

This is what we're here for. Lockdown!

- When can we stop this? - Shut your damn mouth, Squidman.

OK, let's try another technique because l don't think it's working.

- Let's try something else. - Yeah, we forgot to wet him down.

Tell me where Mr. Joshua is!

All right, look, l want you to take all those things...

that are eating away inside, weighing you down...

and l want you to pull them all out...

and scream them out at the top of your lungs.

- Sheriff. - Who, me?

Yeah, just cut loose. Just get it all off your chest.

This is a safe haven for both of you gentlemen.

OK, well, you see, Early, well, he don't respect...

Are you done? Everybody stand back. lt's my turn.

- No. - l just called it.

Don't you push me!

You always push me into positions l don't like!

l'm the law, and you break the law, and you still expect me to be your friend!

How can l be who l am...

and still be in a relationship with you?

lt's always about you!

You think you're the center of the universe...

and we ought to move the show to Friday head to head with CSl!

Come on, you got to give a show time to find an audience...