Night Gallery

on display this evening of pasta chef

painting from oddball and the poet sir

max Beerbohm reflected that no one ever

died of laughter object of brush and

palette the rebuttal the clown is Jackie

Slater his occupation a comedian his

aspirations to collect funny bones and

hang them on the walls of his life to

hide the cracked plaster and yellowed

wallpaper that is part of the interior

decoration of failure poor Jackie Slater

a bad joke told in a foreign language in

an empty Hall the comic unable to coax

laughter the painting is called make me

laugh and this lightless limbo is called

the Night Gallery

hi folks I won't tell you what felonious

to work for cuz IV I got a lot of love

out of here that's what I dig about hey

what are the troops good to see a Marine

I tell you man

supporting the country's good if I did

one of those Veterans Hospital shows

Cheryl to help the boys got hit with a

crutch hey folks you really hear the one

about the astronaut who got stuck up in

space he says how long am I gonna be up

here cuz he called Mission Control and

they said a millennium us always were my

go-to space as well as the hotel so he

goes to the hotel the guy says how long

will you need the room and he says all

about a millennium the guy says well

that'll cost you eight cents it's a six

per millennium he says well I'm a little

hungry

he said go have a sandwich then the guy

said okay that of course you $800 he

says eight cents for a room for a

millennium and eight hundred dollars for

sanity says yeah this hotel we get you

buy the sandwich poke your finger in his

eyes

Jamaica she went of her own accord hey

how do you like this suit huh sort of a

chopped liver gray huh the wife well

it's a nice bit you know but the wife

says it looks more like a convulsion uh

hey yeah folks you know I was standing

out in front of the Plaza Hotel talking

to my friends

matter of fact er that's where I was

living I know you're out there folks

yeah uh-huh and I'm up here folks and of

course if the lighting is bad and you

can't find me just listen to the sound

well there's German I want to present to

you for the loveliest girls you ever

seen in your life the rocky mouth

how'd it go fluffy not so bad for a

first shot I'm gonna rework it a little

bit for the next show so say it say what

well what do you want to hear

it would have been nice to hear you out

there pushing a couple of yaks over for

me

beating your hands together a couple of

times I'm playing Forest Lawn I got the

only age of making like it's a federal

max says he's gotta be horizontal at the

sunset didn't go over so good I'm poppy

the only to the stage that's the only

stage with a corpse on it he wants up

slow mr. Mishkin 102 out there the stiff

couldn't warm up in a boiler room tough

audience mr. Mishkin you give me that

bullshit tell you what I'll give you

papers to walk do the next show then cut

but you said three weekends that was

before I heard him cook

you are his agent isn't that the idea 16

years mr. Mishkin and booked him in the

Air Force Museum

this guy doesn't tell jokes he goes on

bombing missions hey you can ice me out

after one lousy show mr. Mishkin I can't

read your contract

break what do you got to lose I mean

Ike's got to build a couple of weeks for

the word of mouth tone Julie tell him

Julie Buffalo six weeks held over

capacity in a room under when I start to

grow man I assume the Hollywood Bowl on

pass following a pig couldn't fill a

men's room with free shoeshine

I know so

I was a fat ugly little kid I used to go

to boys camp all kids used to push me

off the dock and everybody used to laugh

so I decided that's what I do in my life

I'd make people laugh

you made some people laughed poopy

Fuchs are loyal steadfast friend and

artist representative from a second-rate

schlep going nowhere 16 years we

scratched each other's back we're still

digging around in a garbage dump for one

night well what does he know I mean can

you picture that creep laughing at

anything no that's funny

he's thinking I'm funny funny I wish I

could make somebody laugh everything I

got

Jackie's later huh the original Jackie

well steadfast and true bankrupt

dispossessed and I was waiting at

Philadelphia with a steel guitar band

without me I gather you didn't kill him

in perth amboy they were dead already in

perth amboy I give you per my I give you

Michigan's palladium six tables with a

pallbearer at each one of them we have

not met you friend a Cherokee is the

name miracles by profession miracles

miracles that's just what I need with

the shadow Jay you are now face to face

with mr. unlucky forgiveness mr. Sleater

but compared to me you are the winner of

the Irish sweepstakes you are the owner

of the 1969 New York Mets and other day

they repeal prohibition you are the

little old winemaker your indulgence mr.

shadow Jay but I am a ship maker in the

desert I am a diamond cutter with the

policy I am an opera singer what it

would laryngitis reflect if you will mr.

Slater on this undersized guru who sits

beside you this child of adversity they

booked me in a democratic dinner in New

Rochelle they want to replace me with

William F Buckley 180,000 guys roaming

the streets looking for a bomb what do I

get

formaldehyde twin stuff for laughs

where'd you two guys go out in the park

and get mugged uh preferable decidedly

preferable to what is in store for me

death certainly before this honor you

mr. Slater

are yet a young man with much ahead of

you it need not always be Perth Amboy

you could yet make it on the Andy

Williams Show I on the other hand I'm

fingering the tassels at the far end of

my rope by midnight tonight if I do not

perform a miracle I am relieved of my

powers and I have dishonored my

ancestors so were chimerical who's

stopping you

there's no will recipient no soul

trusting enough to allow this poor guru

to conjure up a blessing I am without

hope I am a dispossessed soul tiptoeing

an agony across the wasteland of my

shattered dreams wait a minute what's

with this miracle bed are you an hour

diddling with the essence Effendi every

miracle working guru miss Burkle wonder

at least once a month I am in arrears

hence disaster what kind of miracle

name it could you kill the Dean Martin

show you should only ask could you get

me four weeks at the sands in Las Vegas

with options could you could you speak

up and they speak could you fix it so I

can make people laugh hysterically

uncontrollably beyond your wildest

dreams

so do it do it

but this moment you got until midnight

to make a miracle so so be my guest

it shall be done but but what so what's

the payoff huh huh wha the small prayer

da candle dictates certain prior

admissions mr. Sleater before a miracle

is wrought it is necessary that I leave

no truth unspoken this is a cardinal

rule amongst the order of working

miracle making guarulhos in the

hierarchy of my art how shall I say I am

something less than proficient that is

to say I am given to small imperfections

in the miracles wrought which is why I

find myself at this eleventh hour so

precariously in the proximity of the

proverbial creek what imperfections

significant imperfections small

itsy-bitsy but it is necessary that I

quaint you with the fact that in the

circle of my peers I am known as a as a