What We Do in the Shadows

Here we are, the nerve center.

Colin Robinson for Staten Island Comptroller headquarters.

Sean had to bow out of the race.

Apparently, in Staten Island,

there's a rule that a candidate can't have more than nine DUIs.

Most Staten Island office holders only have two or three.

Oh, hi, Barbara.

He needed someone

to take his place, and my record

is absolutely, completely clean.

Yo. Robby Robinson, get over here.

You're on the tube. Quick.

With all due respect, my new opponent

seems like a nice man, but he has

no government experience. He was working as a server...

I can't wait to flex my blue collar bona fides on the debate stage.

Up top.

There it is.

I have been spending more time at this new gym lately.

I have asked Guillermo to join me,

but he always seems to have something else going on these days.

Guillermo! Guillermo,

- where are you? - Shit!

- I've been avoiding Nandor. - Oh.

It's been hard,

physically and emotionally.

- Guillermo? - I just don't

want him to get suspicious that

- I'm a vampire now. Or half a vampire. -

Or whatever I am.

- - Guillermo?

And so I have decided

to hunt for a new companion.

Need a spot?

Uh, sure, why not?

Great.

Looks like it's just me and you in here tonight, huh, buddy?

Um, yeah.

Uh, it's usually pretty empty on Easter Sunday.

I guess all the gentiles are out hunting for eggs.

You are Jewish?

Yep.

Very cool.

Mm-hmm.

Alexander.

- Nandor. - Thanks for the spot, pal.

It was my pleasure.

So, what meshuggaas...

that means stuff...

is everyone doing tonight?

If you're only asking us what we're doing

so you can tell us what you're doing, we don't care.

Relax, I'm just kibitzing. Besides,

I have acquired a new friend.

- Oh. - And now we are going to the movies

together.

We are mishpocha.

Oh, yes.

My new friend... he's the total package.

Has a great sense of humor, loves to work out

and he's Jewish.

What difference does it make if he's Jewish?

It doesn't, but back in Al Qolnidar,

I always heard stories about the Jews.

Exceptionally proud people, fierce warriors,

but I never actually got to meet one.

I had no idea there were Jews in New York City.

And now I am proud to call one my friend.

Oh. That's great. What-What's his name?

Well, look who suddenly reappeared

now that I'm kvelling about my new friend.

- I've been here the whole time. - Well, if you must know,

his name is Alexander.

Alexander the Jew.

Nope. I don't think that's his name.

Quit your kvetching.

I really couldn't care less about being comptroller.

Hello! I am Colin Robinson.

I am running for comptroller.

- Can she vote? - Uh, no.

- Okay, then don't. - Ooh.

I'd rather it lay on the ground than go into her hands.

I'm only doing it because the debate stage

is a great place for a mega drain.

You know, it's really no surprise the amount

- of energy vampires in politics. - Uh, we're good.

- Colin, stop it. - What are you running for?

- Touch this. - What are you doing?

- Touch it. - Stop doing that.

But the perfect campaign needs the perfect wife.

I have an old flame that comes here.

Once we accept that they are never coming back

to sweep us off our feet with an unexpected...

E-Evie Russell?

Colin Robinson.

W-What are you doing here?

Evie, please. I-I need you.

I didn't think I'd ever see you again

after you fled the scene of the accident

that left me partially blind.

- - And completely unable to move my legs.

- - Oh, Evie.

Evie Russell

is an emotional vampire.

The doctor said, "She'd be better off dead."

She drains people by feeding on their emotions.

And then he hung himself while he was masturbating.

- Oh. - When we dated,

she destroyed me and fed off of the remnants

of what used to be my heart.

She's the best.

Oh, I've never stopped thinking about you.

I mean, even after all these years.

To me, you are perfect.

Love Actually, 2003.

I wish I knew how to quit you.

Brokeback Mountain, 2005.

- I got you this necklace. -

Titanic, 1997.

- It looks beautiful on you. - Thank you.

Ever since I stumbled on

the neighborhood of Little Antipaxos,

I have been spending my nights with a delightful family.

No, I-I have eaten...

Being with them makes me feel almost human.

I've been helping my new family by actually working.

And maybe these simple acts

of kindness, compassion, and friendship

might help lift this

pissing Antipaxon curse that I have all over me.

But... they keep asking to meet Laszlo.

Laszlo is not from Antipaxos,

and Antipaxons are very, very suspicious of outsiders.

He's coming tonight.

Now you see, what you must understand is courting a partner's

family is just as important as courting the lover.

So, I have done deep research into these simple island folk.

I learned their customs, their dress.

What the fuck are you wearing?

I'm dressed as an islander.

These people are peasants.

It's important I fit in, my darling.

Their way of speaking.

Me, Laszlo.

Do you people have names

or do you communicate with sticks?

I had become one of them.

I think this is going well.

This is the matriarch of this

very important family to me,

- okay? Yes? - Yeah, yeah.

- Yia-Yia. - Yia-Yia.

Lovely to meet you, I'm sure.

He was dropped on his head as a baby.

Any big plans for the summertime?

Not really.

So, I met Nandor at the gym. I was doing

my reps, and he, uh, I don't know,

he-he seemed harmless and

kind of lonely, and, uh...

then he asked me here, and...

I don't know, I'm here. Uh, I don't know.

- It just happened. -

- You are enjoying the movie? - Shh!

I remember the first time I went to one.

There was a locomotion film playing.

And we all thought,

"This train's gonna kill us!" And, of course...

- Shut up! - Shh.

Yes. Yes, you're right.

Zero is the amount of paperwork you'd have to file

- after I replace - Excuse me.

our entire outdated system...

Mr. Robinson, are you all right?

Yeah. No, no. It's not my turn. You go.

With a seamless, user-friendly,

digital platform.

Eliminate bureaucracy.

Say goodbye to paperwork.

- And hello to anarchy. -

You're-you're clapping for an anarchist.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Four weeks ago,

- when I started this... -

Check, check. Microphone, microphone.

With the debate stage,

what you have is a captive audience.

- Do you know how this... -

It's like a smorgasbord.

Four weeks ago,

I was sitting down

for breakfast with my

beautiful wife, Evie.

Evie and I were sitting down with our two

beautiful little boys,

Connor and C-C... Cah... ristopher,