The Millers

So, you think you'll be able to find

the guy that broke into my car?

We tried to leave the crime scene untouched.

Except for some powder on the dash when my mom tried

to dust for prints using her makeup brush.

Well, we'll do our best to find the culprit,

but, uh, with these small jobs, who knows?

"Who knows"? Is that your new slogan?

Schoolkids will be so inspired when across the side of your cruiser

they read, "Leesburg Police, who knows?"

Listen, I know you're upset, but,

uh, I promise you, we're gonna

do everything we can to find your...

extendable windshield scraper,

memory foam steering wheel cover,

pine tree air freshener

that still has lots of good smell left

and a book on tape by Suze Orman.

Oh, they can keep that. She's terrible.

Well, like I said, we'll do our best,

but, uh, these smash-and-grabs are hard to solve.

Hard to solve? Hard to solve?

Thank you for coming, Officer. Save yourself.

Then why bother, right?

Is it too hard to increase patrols in the area

or monitor the local pawnshops for the stolen goods?

Are you guys too busy shoving

bananas into each other's tailpipes?

Excuse me. Where I put my banana is...

You know what? It's just...

It's a reference to the movie "Beverly Hills Cop". It's just...

Well, I'll call if I hear anything.

Maybe we'll answer. Who knows?!

The Millers S01E14 "Carol's Surprise"

Okay, let's not beat around the bush.

It's my birthday week, and you people need to go shopping.

"Blue striped scarf from that kiosk at the mall".

"Parentheses, the sales girl has a big mole on her face".

"It is not food."

"Don't tell her to brush it off."

Mine says, "Spa massage and no female therapist."

It's my birthday. (clicks tongue)

My piece of paper's blank.

That's because all grandma wants from you for her birthday

is a sweet little poem about anything you want.

Okay.

Stick to nature themes.

And I like an ABBA rhyme scheme.

And no cutesy made-up words... It's a crutch.

Mom, the fun of giving a gift

is having it be somewhat of a surprise.

I mean, it's bad enough that every time this family tries

to throw you a surprise party, you figure it out and ruin it.

Well, I hope you liked your birthday dinner.

Guess now we'll just watch some tv.

Why don't you grab us a few drinks from the kitchen.

Nah.

Why don't we have it brought out by one of my...

35 friends standing in the kitchen!

Aw!

Nice try.

Okay.

She just went upstairs to use the bathroom.

Everybody take your positions.

Come on. How you doing?

This is...

This is so exciting.

Nice try.

Nice try.

Aw!

I'm too smart to be fooled.

It's a burden I live with every day of my life.

Ten seconds into "The Crying Game",

I yelled out, "It's a dude."

Hey. Say hello to the two newest members

of the neighborhood watch.

Hey, good for you, doing your civic duty.

Eh, with Nathan's car getting broken into right out front,

we felt we should.

Plus, any organization that would kick your mom out,

I want to be part of.

That's why I joined A.A.

I didn't know the neighborhood watch kicked you out.

I was betrayed by Louise Templeton.

I don't know why those idiots listen to her.

For the past ten years, she's been

outwitted by the same family of gophers.

Wow, it must be tiring

always being the smartest person in the room.

Exhausting.

The bad part

about my birthdays is knowing that I'm getting older

and someday you people are gonna have to fend for yourselves.

I'll be up in Heaven,

terrified to look down to see what you're doing.

Okay.

Huddle up, huddle up.

I'm telling you, this is the year

we can finally surprise her.

Oh, I'd love to. I mean, she always

throws us such great birthdays. She deserves it.

And I'd love to finally knock that superior look

off of her face.

I've never been in a huddle before.

Together, we can come up with the perfect plan.

Who's with me?

Okay. I'm in.

- Me, too. - Me, too.

Me, too.

Nice try.

Hey, guys. All right, Ray,

do a sweep of the house for any signs of my mom.

I'm on it.

Adam, what are you doing to my father?

Dad has a raisin stuck somewhere between his nose and his mouth.

I'm just trying to figure out whether he should suck or blow.

I'm telling you, I taste it more than I smell it.

Wait, why is Ray sweeping the house?

Oh, because I was up all night devising a foolproof plan

to throw mom a surprise party.

No sign of Carol.

I even looked under the bed.

Adam, you're a weird dude.

That's mine, actually.

So, this year, instead of trying to outsmart her,

we're gonna let her outsmart herself.

How, you ask?

Every great plan starts with a ruse.

The morning of her birthday, we give her a cake

to make her think this is her celebration.

If you wished for a hug from a tall handsome man

who smells like vanilla and cedar, it's about to come true.

Mmm...

Then we act like the obedient sheep she expects us to be.

I love it.

That's the right one?

I was nervous that I went to the wrong scarf kiosk

run by a girl with a disgusting mole on her face.

Here you go, Carol.

Thank you, Ray.

Pepper spray?

I know you weren't feeling safe

after Nathan's car got broken into.

Look at the inscription.

"If you can read this,

you are a rapist and about to go blind."

Then we hit her with a little misdirection.

Later that day, Debbie arrives

to take mom away to her big spa day.

Mom, I've arrived to take you away to your big spa day.

Great. Let me get my purse.

Oh, forget it. Your money is no good here.

Neither is mine. Nathan, credit card?

Then we plant the bait.

Whenever we try to bring mom somewhere on her birthday,

she's nervous and mistrustful.

So, we just going to the spa?

I wonder if I'll see someone I know there or...

25 partygoers I know there.

So this time, we'll encourage her not to go somewhere

and let her own stubbornness bring her to her party.

Nope, it's just you and me getting very long massages.

I want to be out of the house as long as possible

so I miss the neighborhood watch meeting.

- There's a meeting at our house? - Oh, right.

Uh, they're... they're voting, uh, to put up

the surveillance cameras in the neighborhood.

Cameras? Cameras? Of course

they're using technology to do the work for them.

Like kids with their calculators and shoes with wheels.

Don't get all worked up, Mom. It's your birthday, okay?

Let's... Let's just go to the spa and relax.

Yeah.

I've got a flask full of vodka

we can put in the cucumber water.

Then we reel her in.

We all know mom won't be able to relax.

Her only mission will be getting herself

to that neighborhood watch meeting.

Maybe I should postpone this.

My vertebrae are feeling especially brittle today.

Plus, I skipped my bone density yogurt.

Okay, I think you're sturdy enough for a massage.

Last Easter, I saw you walk three blocks

carrying a cross made out of railroad ties.

And then Debbie turns the screw a little more.

I'm just glad to be here with you instead of back

at my house with Louise Templeton.

Louise Templeton's coming to the neighborhood watch meeting?

- Of course. She's the president. - What?!

I think she bribed the voters with her famous

coconut-peanut butter crispy treats.

They're called Crispy Flabbergasters,

and I invented them.

And then we have mom right where we want her.

Carol.

Nice to see you again.

Aw, enjoy your massage, mom.

Then Debbie leaves her car behind

so mom thinks she's still inside and rushes home