Crashing

Hey. Excuse me.

Yeah, show starts at 8:30 tonight.

It's a-- it's a great show. All headliner showcase.

Two for one. No, sorry.

My name is Pete. I'm a-- I'm a comedian.

Oh, hey, Pete. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Uh, somebody told me that you guys--

I'm gonna stop you there, Pete. I know what somebody told you.

You're looking for stage time, right?

You got that soft, scared look in your eye

like your mother just dropped you off at the Mall of America.

Listen, I got all the fucking comedians I can handle.

What I need is some audience.

You know? Fuck, I need less comedians.

I'd love to help ya, but, uh, I can't.

So, God bless, good luck, fuck off.

There's nothing I can do.

Hold on. You... you're a comedian.

Yeah.

You know my shit?

No. I'm sorry.

But you get how it is, man.

I gotta pay $14 to do an open mic.

I'm performing for other people who are waiting to perform.

I-- I need a real club.

There's nothing I can do. I don't-- I mean...

unless you wanna bark.

What? Yes, I'll do that. What's that?

Well, a lot of guys think it puts kind of a stink on you.

But, you know, I mean, it's when you take these flyers

and you put your name on the back and you go to the corner,

if you get five paying customers by the end of the night, we'll put you on stage,

but-- it's a big if-- if there's still audience here.

So it's a butt-fuck, but it's the butt-fuck I'm offering.

I accept your butt-fuck. That, I-- Yes.

Not so fast.

Let's see your moves.

What, now? Yeah, now.

Uh...

Hey, do you have plans tonight?

We've got a great show.

Madame?

Hey, comedy! He looked busy.

Yeah, they're all busy. They're walking, Pete.

Move the flyer. Move the flyer.

Flick. When it goes back in the stack,

you wanna flick it. Flick it in the sack.

Come here. Give me this. Let me show you how it's done.

Big man!

Comedy show tonight. All headliner showcase. Not interested.

Not interested? Come on, come on. It's the best show in town.

What do you got to do? Dude, fuck off, man.

Fuck-- Fuck off?

This is the best fucking show in town!

Fuck comedy.

Fuck comedy? Hey, fuck you!

Fuck me? Fuck you!

Honey, babe, it's okay.

Fuckin' asshole. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keep walkin'. I hope you both have a bunch of kids!

And you gotta deal with all of the associated

responsibilities, you... you cock-sucker!

Fuck you!

That's how it's done, my friend.

Man: Geez.

What's up, guys?

Uh, I'm Pete.

You barking too?

Yeah. Yeah, man.

Did you guys look closely at this flyer at all?

I mean, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld,

do any of these people actually perform here?

Fuck no. Yeah, Ben Stiller's on there.

He's not even a comic.

Ray Romano came in here once, on accident.

But then he just used the shitter and he left.

Where you guys are concerned, they're all here, okay?

Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, Louis CK,

you tell 'em we're re-animating Richard fucking Pryor

if that'll get 'em through this door.

All right? Boy Scout, we're not selling Thin Mints here.

We haven't been saying Bill Cosby as much recently.

Man: Yeah.

I just don't know if I feel comfortable lying to people.

And do you feel more comfortable not performing?

There's gotta be a middle ground there.

I mean, even if we do get them in here with lies,

they're gonna know it's a bait and switch.

No, they're not. They're stupid tourists.

It's like who comes to New York and doesn't have a plan?

Yeah, they're gonna end up at like a Panera Bread

or get human-trafficked.

Is that a verb, "human-trafficked"?

When they do it to you.

What?

I'm at MacDougal and Third. I--

Ugh! Lucky!

Is that good?

No, they're all shitty, but you got the least shitty.

I'm in front of an NYU dorm.

It's like these kids are too smart to fall for this shit.

Comedy tonight? Thank you.

You guys eat here?

Oh, yeah, you can't bark for four hours and not eat.

Four hours?

Woman: The guy before me, he's already tanking

and then for his closer, he decides to put

his entire mouth over the microphone.

Do you know how dirty those are?

Like he deep-throated it.

This is great.

West Village. Look at us.

Standing on the corner, eating street food,

we're gonna do a set tonight at a club

in Manhattan. I love this.

What the fuck's wrong with you?

No, I'm just saying, following the dream.

We're grinding it out. I'm happy to be with you guys.

Oh, he's doing a bit. It's a bit.

No, no, no. I mean it.

You follow your heart, you should be proud of yourselves.

I get it. You're Mormon.

I'm not Mormon.

I'm just regular, you know?

Regular what? Regular Christian.

No add-ons. Just Old and New.

Meat and potatoes. You know, to be honest,

I'm a little worried about all this standing.

Four hours on concrete, that's really hard on your knees.

I'm just saying if I had known, I would have worn more comfortable shoes.

Like a nurse's shoe or a clog.

Are you talking about like a wooden shoe?

Like what little Dutch girls wear?

No, like a modern clog, like a Croc.

You get the ones that don't have the holes in the top

with a long pant, it looks like a shoe.

It's like a comfortable secret.

You're like a mental patient that's been released for the afternoon.

I'm gonna sit down.

He's worse than an open mic.

Can you guys open it up?

Like, if you just...

If you just kind of circle here, I can still-- We can see you.

You're good there, man.

You're good.

Great comedy show, tonight.

Great comedy show t--

Great live comedy tonight.

We got a great show.

Excuse me.

Got a great live comedy show.

Great-- great live comedy tonight.

All headliner show. 8:30 tonight.

All headliner show, right up the block.

Two for one with the flyer.

Jerry Seinfeld, Ray Romano, who knows?

Great live comedy-- Yes!

Thank... you.

Great live comedy tonight.

Right up the block. 8:30 show.

Great live comedy. Great live comedy.

My knees hurt.

Great live comedy. Great comedy show tonight.

Two for one.

Amplified jokes.

We got amplified jokes happening on a stage.

All headliner show tonight, ladies.

Hello. Great live comedy tonight. We got a great show.

Great live comedy, guys. You wanna-- Oh. Yeah.

Great live comedy. Two for ten.

8:30 tonight. All headliners. I love comedy.

Great. Oh, my God. Is Seinfeld on the show?

Uh, not necessarily.

You know, it's-- it's New York. What?

He might pop in.

Why would you put him on the flyer then?

You know, these are examples of the types of comedians you might see.

I... I like to think each of them influence the essence

of the people you will see performing.

That's fucked up, man.

You go to an Italian restaurant,

there's a picture of Frank Sinatra.

It doesn't mean he's gonna be there.

Where did you get that coffee? Do they have a bathroom?

Great live comedy. Was there a bathroom

in that pizzeria?

Hello. Great live comedy.

Hi. Great live comedy?

Please help me with this man.

Do you see him?

Do you know if there's a bathroom around here?

Do you know if there's a bathroom in the area?

Where do you pee?

Hey, can I help you?

I'm just going to the bathroom. Customers only.

Yeah, I...

Just number one. Just a pee. Just a pow.

Customers only, dude.

Really? Yeah.

You wanna use the bathroom, you're gonna have to order something.