Hannah Berner: None of My Business

Ladies and gentlemen, Hannah Berner!

I'm so excited.

We're doing it. Like, we're actually doing it. I'm like,

"Did the men press record?

I don't trust any of them."

- -

Do you know, there's men everywhere lately, have you noticed that?

Let's start with the FBI.

There's too many men in the FBI.

Not just any men. Older men.

Now, look, have you guys ever lost something in your house

and thought, "I'm gonna call my dad, he'll know"?

My dad once lost the remote on his own chest.

- -

Meanwhile, my mom can find the scissors

in someone else's house.

Women need to run the FBI.

It's not even controversial.

-It's not controversial. -

We all have that one friend named Stephanie,

you give her a sip of rosé, a Wi-Fi password,

she would have found Osama bin Laden in 32 minutes.

I would've told her his first name, the length of his beard,

she's like, "He's in that sandbox over there. Go get him."

I love murder documentaries.

- -I do. I do.

It's always the girls who love 'em

'cause the men are busy murdering.

- -

Yeah, most serial killers are men.

Most serial killers are men.

I wish I could be a serial killer,

but I would get caught immediately.

The cop would just walk in and be like,

pull a hair out of his butt crack and be like, "Hannah Berner, yet again."

- -

"Extensions this time. Interesting."

This is controversial,

but bear with me.

Stand-up comedians are kinda like serial killers.

Everyone's upset.

- -

In that, you don't have to be that good-looking

to be considered ridiculously good-looking in your art.

Like, think about it, Ted Bundy is the sex symbol of serial killers.

He has little, creepy, beady eyes, a unibrow.

Like, if he started dancing behind your friend at the bar,

you'd be like...

Wait, do you guys remember grinding?

- -That was crazy!

What a crazy time.

You'd just be, like, at the bar,

and Akon would be on, and you'd be like...

With your girls, you're, like, trying to mouth the words wrong.

- -

And then, suddenly, you just feel some heat on your back.

And there's this weird rule that

you're not allowed to look behind you.

- -Who came up with that?!

Like, God forbid I look and he'll be like...

So, you just have to, like, keep going.

And you're so scared

and you're just trying to make eye contact with any girl in the room.

You don't even have to know her, you just find one girl and you're like...

"What the fuck's going on?"

I'm like, "What moves did I do back then?"

I feel like I just went like this.

- -

And then you'd look at her and she would Caesar it for you.

She'd take it so seriously. She'd be like...

And you'd be like, "Ooh! No, thank you! I have to pee. No, thank you."

Remember teachers? They'd be like...

"You gotta leave room for Jesus."

What did that mean?

Like, Jesus wanted to be part of the grind line?

He's like, "Let's turn water into wine. Yeah!"

No, but also, what was the male perspective of that?

Like, you were just walking into bars with half a chub.

Just, like, going up

behind girls just going like,

"Oh, she ran away.

Oh, she ran away."

Just poking everyone.

The only good part about it is if he poked you in the neck,

you were like, "Ooh, he's tall. "

- -Pro tip. Pro tip.

If he poked you here, you were like, "Get the... ."

Anyway, stand-up comedians,

we don't need to be that good-looking

to be considered ridiculously good-looking in our art.

Like, I'm a reality TV six.

I'm a stand-up comedian 27, okay?

- -Thank you. Thank you.

- -Thank you.

I'm the Gisele of comedy...

...if she couldn't do jiu-jitsu...

and she ate.

I'm the most beautiful woman in comedy, besides...

Matt Rife.

- -Thank you.

Except my lips are real.

Woo!

I know what you guys are thinking, "Hannah...

are you perfect?"

- -

Literally, I have snot on my-- on my chin right now.

Actually, I didn't know

I was always this good-looking...

until I read this article

that said, "Really good-looking people

"don't know how good-looking they are...

"...'cause they actually get complimented the least.

Because it's so obvious how good-looking they are."

And I was like, "Everything makes sense."

But I'm not, like, full-time hot.

I'm part-time hot.

Let me be clear, I'm part-time.

And not a lot of people could pull it off like that.

I could pull off, like, going on a red carpet,

but I also can get asked to leave a 7-Eleven.

I have range.

I'm hot-fluid, you know?

Like, depending on the lighting,

I could be Caitlyn Jenner, before or after.

Depending on my luteal phase.

I don't want to be full-time hot!

Full-time hot-- If I was always like this,

I'm a-- I'd be a monster.

- -Like...

Megan Fox is full-time hot.

That's crazy.

Like, she had no problem. She was like,

"I guess I'll marry a guy whose first name is Machine Gun."

Like, that's what full-time hot people do.

I'm relatable.

But I know what you're thinking, "Hannah, how'd you get so confident?"

This is my trick.

I don't look in the mirror.

'Cause the mirror? None of my business.

None of my business.

You know, when you wake up in the morning,

you don't have to be assaulted by information you don't need.

I wake up. I don't look in the mirror.

I know what I look like.

And it's the most beautiful photo I've ever taken with a Paris filter.

- -

And I'm like, "That is she."

- - Woo!

And then, I'll just walk into the world...

and no one will say anything. And I'm like, "Of course."

But no, every now and then there's a comment

that comes towards my confidence.

Like, in college, my roommate told me that I have a long torso.

I didn't know what a torso was...

...but I looked at my other roommate and I was like, "Is this?"

And she's like, "You really do."

Then I realized, like, when I'm walking into rooms,

has everyone just been like, "There's old Torsi-Hanny"?

And then, once I went on a date,

and I was wearing, like, a short dress,

and I walk in,

and I swear to God, the guy goes,

"You're sturdy."