Marriage Bites

(suspenseful music)

It's gettin' late.

How much longer do we have to stay out here?

As long as it takes to get the story.

You wanna be a journalist and not an intern forever, right?

Yeah, just wish the article didn't have to be here.

Like I said before, when I do a story, I go all out.

And this one is about the cemetery being haunted.

We're gonna stay for a few more hours, then we'll go.

A few more hours! Seriously?

You're not scared, are you?

- (scoffs) No. - Mm-hmm.

It's just, I don't wanna have to be out here so late.

It's freakin' cold, man.

You wanted to learn from the best

and you're learning from the best, so stop whining.

Is your camera all good?

Uh, seems so.

So, this haunted part, what's the story you heard?

Supposedly someone or something

roams the cemetery at night.

The morning crew always finds blood the next day.

Probably just some animals.

Did you just hear that?

It's probably just an animal.

(soft suspenseful music) (crickets chirping)

(reporter gasps)

How we doin'?

Really shouldn't be hangin' out in cemeteries at night.

What the hell? Let go of me, man.

We weren't doing anything illegal.

What are you doing?

We're just here to get a story.

Ooh, a story. No stories here, I think.

Just a lot of bodies.

We'll be the judge of that, but thanks.

I'm, I'm with her.

Good. Well, it's really not safe out here.

There are a lotta wild animals.

A person could get bit.

We'll be fine.

Well, if you'd like, I can escort you both out.

But, I guess if you don't bother anything,

I guess I won't call the cops. (Chuckles)

Have a nice night.

Okay, can we go now? I seriously do not like that guy.

If he's our story, we're gonna stay.

Just relax.

Bad batteries?

No way. I just put new ones in.

Let's just move to a different area.

This is a waste of time anyway.

Come on.

Yeah, yeah.

(vampire grumbles)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Chill.

Okay, look, I got up on the wrong side

of the coffin this evening, all right?

But don't ruin this for me.

I'm feeling much better now that the meat is delivered.

Ha, it's party time. How's it goin'?

I found our story.

We found our story? I think we're gonna be the story!

Hey, wait, what...

Hey.

Fuckin' kids.

Okay, hey, wait for me. Hey, hey.

(knife zings)

Welcome to my boring life. (Sighs)

It's not a bad marriage, just stale.

My sweet, innocent, wonderful,

yet very predictable wife, Linda.

We've been married 15 years (chuckles)

And have a crazy 13-year-old.

See?

Perfectly normal, cranky, drive-you-insane teen.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family,

I have a good job, a great wife,

but everyone hits that rut in their life

where time seems to slow down

and nothing exciting happens anymore.

Here I am at my job, typical office work.

I make a decent living.

It pays the bills and will gimme a retirement.

Excitement! Yay.

Sure, until one day things changed, a lot.

(crickets chirping)

Is somebody there?

(dramatic music)

(crickets chirping)

Come on, babe. Come on.

Hello?

Uh, hi, hon.

Uh, hi, Martin.

Why are you calling me? You realize it's really late?

Yeah. Could you come to the front door, please?

I need you.

If it's a bug

No, hon, please. Front door?

Please.

Okay, you big weirdo, I'm comin'.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, hon. What ya doin'?

Just waitin' to come in. So.

Do you mind explaining that?

Yeah, it's kinda (chuckles), it's kinda funny actually.

Not ha ha funny, but kinda weird kinda funny.

Really? I love a good joke.

Actually, it's a role playing game I wanna try.

Oh, and what might that be?

Yeah, this game? It's not sexy.

I'm sure it could be.

And, uh, what if I don't invite you in?

What if I decide to leave you out here and go back inside?

Wh-what?

Yeah, I'm gonna not let you in.

I'm, I'm gonna go back. Okay?

No, hon. No, I...

You really are serious, aren't you?

Mm-hmm.

Just a game, you know, for the bedroom.

So, what do you say? (Purring)

Please don't purr.

Fine.

Martin McGill, will you do me the honor

of coming inside the house whenever you want.

Oh, thank God. (Sighs)

Are you okay?

My husband's a psychopath.

This is a really weird role playing game

you're doing right now. (Glasses clatter)

Are you okay?

You probably shouldn't work overtime anymore.

I know.

I'm just trying to feel your head.

No. (Groans)

A little cold there

even though it's not even cold outside.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't go to work tomorrow.

I mean, I did just work overtime today on a Saturday.

I might not even survive until Sunday.

Well, look, this is your job, so, you know.

As long as you're not spreadin' somethin' around, okay?

I'm just going back to reading, okay?

- Okay, hon. - All right, sure, sure.

Oh crap.

Uh, Martin, what is this?

Is this our wedding night?

Yeah, just taking my time gettin' into bed, hon.

Oh, so you're not gonna go use the bathroom,

wash your face?

'Cause you have a little something right there still, yeah.

Oh, um, yeah. I'm gonna use the bathroom.

Yeah.

Okay.

- You go do that. - Okay.

- Have a good time. - Okay.

Okay.

Oh my God, where the hell am I?

All right.

I'm a vampire. (Chuckles)

I don't need these to see anymore. (Chuckles)

How about that?

Oh God.

Shit.

What if I need to shave?

Cut the hell outta my face without being able to see myself.

Oh shit. (Grunts)

Something is seriously wrong with that man.

You can do this.

Oh, damn it. (Grunts)

Well, that certainly helps.

Screw shaving. (Sighs)

All right, Martin, time for bed. (Clears throat)

Just don't bite your wife or tell her yet.

Oh, don't bite. Don't bite.

Oh, but look at that neck.

Oh God, she smells delicious.

Wait, wait, don't vampires also sleep during the day?

Oh shit, I'm gonna be awake all night