Office Romance

["You Sexy Thing" by Hot Chocolate playing]

Hey.

-So nice to finally meet you. -Please, lower your expectations.

I'm way more charming on email.

- -Well…

I'm glad you asked me out. Finally.

I'm a cardio girl. I don't normally just hang out by the weights.

I do not normally lift that much.

It was either ask you out or get a hernia trying to impress you.

So, okay, why did you leave London for New Jersey?

It was a job opportunity.

I'm an in-house lawyer at Air Cruz.

-Oh, I love Air Cruz. Thank you. -Thank you.

Always on time, great snacks.

Cheers.

I love your commercials.

"I'm not just the CEO of Air Cruz, I'm also a pilot."

I hate doing those.

My dad used to do them, then when he retired, I had to do them.

It's the worst part of the job.

Ah, you're great.

My ex-wife is going to be so jealous that I am on a date with the Air Cruz lady.

Oh, this is not a date. This is a work dinner.

Well…

A little birdie told me that you're single.

-And so am I… legally now. -Oh.

Best six months of my life.

Well…

-I'm here to talk business. So… yeah. -Sorry, you're right.

Trust me, the last thing I want to talk about is my ex-wife.

Okay.

Stacey.

Mm. But, wait, wasn't that like a huge demotion?

Oh. Um… I don't know.

Practicing international law on a global scale is rewarding,

but today at Air Cruz,

I did resolve a dispute between a passenger and an emotional support dog.

Ooh.

You're hiding something. Thank you.

Why did you really leave?

-Did you quit, or did you get fired? -No.

You can tell me anything. I'm like a vault.

Like, my ex-boyfriend gave me scabies and I didn't tell a soul.

Well done.

Air Cruz is expanding into Dallas-Fort Worth.

-It's huge for us. -Dallas.

And I'd like the lounge there to reflect and be kind of like a cathedral for--

Larry?

Oh. Uh…

Excuse me. Um…

Stacey's from Dallas.

Oh.

That's where we met.

Mmm.

Are you crying?

No, no, no. I'm not crying. I'm not crying.

-Larry! -I'm sorry!

Should we get some food? Let's get some food.

Mm-mmm. I had a protein bar earlier.

You know why I come here? For these bad boys.

They're so good, right? Can't even taste the tequila, right?

But it's in there. It's definitely there. Shall we get some water?

Oh, my God. They're playing my literal favorite song.

Oh, my God. I love this song.

It's a good song.

We have to dance.

-Oh. Uh, we don't. We absolutely don't. -I think we should just dance.

No. Absolutely not. It's a restaurant. Not a dancing place.

Okay. You want to stay seated, you dirty dog?

Sorry everybody. Excuse me. Tanya, please, I'm begging you.

-Oh, no. -Oh my God.

What the fuck?

Sit down, or my boyfriend will kick your fucking ass.

-Tanya. I am so sorry. -Put a leash on her.

To be clear, no one will be kicking your ass.

I do apologize, everyone. Dessert is on me.

Oh, shit.

And then we stopped sleeping together.

She, uh… She thought it was her fault, but…

honestly…

-it was mine. -Mmm.

And now I masturbate to her.

I jerk off to my ex-wife. I mean, is that fucked up or--

And that's my cue. Okay.

Excuse me.

I had a really nice time tonight.

-Good night, Tanya. -Oh.

Not on the first date, huh?

You are a gentleman.

Well…

till next time.

-Good night. -Good night.

God, you're such a pussy.

Mom! I'm home.

Jackie, uh, I just want to apologize again.

I'm really sorry.

You should call…

Stacey.

She might be home thinking about you too.

And masturbating?

Goodbye, Larry.

Sorry.

All right, Frederick, here we are. Finished last night.

If you could get that to Mr. Vance when he gets in, please.

That was fast. You can take more time if you want.

Mr. Vance will be mad if there are mistakes, so…

Um…

There are no mistakes.

-All right, Clair? -Ugh, no.

It's freezing outside, then it's 1,000 degrees on the train,

so I sweat all the way through my thermal underwear.

Then that sweat froze on my walk to work.

Now I have this, like, insane rash behind my knees.

Oh, dear.

What did you get up to last night?

Oh, nothing.

No, you did something. What was it?

Just something personal.

Like what?

I'm sorry. I think this might be a cultural difference.

Discussing personal things with a co-worker seems

inappropriate or rude to me.

So when I say, "All right, Clair,"

I'm not really asking if you're all right. I'm just saying, "Hello."

Oh. Because for me, if you ask a question, then I answer it,

because that is how a conversation works.

Right.

-Well, for example, yesterday, when you-- -Morning.

-When you told me your IBS was intense… -

That's a personal issue for your personal life. Do you see?

-What do you want me to say? -Just all right.

I say all right, you say all right, and we go about our day.

But I'm not all right.

No one's all right, Clair. We just say it.

-Good morning, Ms. Cruz. -Good morning.

-Good morning, Ms. Cruz. -Good morning.

-Good morning, Ms. Cruz. -Good morning, Ms. Cruz.

-Hey, hey. How'd it go last night? -Nightmare.

-Who told Larry I was single? -Who doesn't know you're single?

-Fair. -I'm so sorry. Meaning that he hit on you?

-Then he cried. -I'm gonna scream.

It makes me so angry

when people cannot separate their business life from their personal life.

Except in your case, which is business life and business life.

Hey.

I don't need anybody else in my life right now.

I'm focused on work.

I hear that, sister.

-Oh my God. -Okay.

I know I'm not supposed to ask this, but how are you even walking right now?

You're actually not allowed to ask that. Sorry, go ahead.

-No. You. -It's your airline. Okay.

Seriously. Shouldn't you be home? Or in a hospital… giving birth.

I'm gonna go to the hospital when the baby comes,

then I'll resume work the next day.

You're kidding, right?

We have maternity leave. I'm worried about you.

-Hey, Marcus. -Yeah?

-Get this down to legal. -Ms. Cruz?

-Yeah, right away, Ms. Bloom. -Thank you.

"Right away, Ms. Bloom"?

So, you all set for the deposition?

Eh.

-Nervous. -No. Look, this is nothing. It's nothing.

If the biggest airline on the planet is not suing somebody somewhere,

their dicks get soft.

-Sydney. -What?

You can't say that. The door is open.

-It's true. -For fuck's sake.

It's gonna be fine. Vance is gonna destroy them.

-He is, isn't he? -Yes. I'd buy a ticket to see this one.

Peter Vance is going to eat those assholes for breakfast.

Gunderson. Peter Vance here.

What is this horse shit about moving up the deposition?

Peter, I'm sorry.

-Huh? - Oh, I… I…

-Oh, fuck you! -Peter…

Okay, listen, asshole.

If that's the only time in your CEO's precious schedule,

-I'll depose his ass too. Yeah. -You're not… Peter.

Yeah, I fucking can.

Check your email, dipshit.

Guess what?

I can… are you there?

What's going on?

I don't know if it was beef or chorizo but…

-All right, Clair? - No, not at all.

Mr. Vance choked on his breakfast burrito.

Oh, my God. You can have burritos for breakfast?

-I'm so sorry. Is he okay? - He has a tube down his throat.

He's using hand signals to sue the food truck

for a recklessly large sausage chunk.

Is this him, are you Blanchflower?

Yes, Daniel Blanchflower.

Well, the general goes down. Time to bring in the colonel.

Vance says you're hot shit, so you're on the Falcon Airlines deposition.

-Be in Ms. Cruz's office in five minutes. -I'll be there.