Crashing

Artie.

- Artie. - What the fuck, man?

- What are you doing? - I'm sorry.

You're a weirdo. What the fuck are you doing in my house? Come on!

I... I let myself in. I still have a key.

You don't just let yourself in. This is my fucking house!

You trying to give me a heart attack?

- I'm sorry, man. I don't... - I live here.

I don't have anywhere to go, Artie.

It was either this or the Port Authority.

But what are you doing here? Why are you here?

I was fired, okay?

- I was fired. - You were fired already?

That's amazing. You got an edge to ya.

What happened? How'd you get fired already?

- I was doing warm-up for Rachael Ray. - Right.

- I go out, regular crowd. - Yeah.

- I'm cooking, I'm cooking. - You're cooking?

There's an older woman, and I... I messed with her.

- I did some blue material. - Right.

It was Rachael Ray's mom.

You messed with Rachael Ray's mom? That sounds hilarious.

And then they yelled at me,

and I'm fired, and I don't have my job anymore,

and I'm back at your house.

All right. I got the rundown.

Maybe give a man a heads up if the mother

of the star of the show is gonna be in the audience.

Yeah, okay, okay.

It's... it's on them. Listen, I got news for you.

I... I can't have this shit in my house, okay? I told you that.

- I'm gonna finish it. - Yeah, you're not gonna finish it.

I'm taking this the fuck outta here. Artie, you can't have this.

It's Mike's Hard Lemonade. You're an alcoholic.

Dude, I'm an alcoholic. I'm not Hannah Montana.

What the fuck? I can handle it.

Artie, Hannah Montana would drink Mike's Hard Lemonade,

because we've let her slip into Miley Cyrus.

- Right. - She used to be Hannah Montana.

She used to be pure, she used to be golden light,

and now she's out there licking poles

and children at the Teen Choice Awards get a look right at her vagina.

Yeah, you know, listen. Let's get to breakfast. We gotta sober you up.

I don't understand why we're eating breakfast here.

Why can't we eat breakfast in a strip club?

That was... Oh, hi.

Hey, sweetie. How you doing? Good to see ya.

Where's that smile I ordered?

There's an ass right by your head.

Yeah, that's the point, you know.

Well, look at it. Go ahead.

I don't see anything. I'm just seeing you.

That is an odd choice, man...

Between me and a woman's ass, I mean.

This isn't helping breakfast.

Wow! It's such a surprise that your wife wanted

the company of somebody else. Man! Do you talk like this around her?

- I happen to be a very sexual person. - Oh yeah?

I just don't flap it around like a dick in the wind.

Is that your type? That's not your type? What is your type?

If I was in the privacy of my own home with this,

I would have wonderful, consensual sex

with this woman if we went out 12 to 14 times.

You can have consensual sex with any of these women

as long as you give them, like, $400.

What's really weird is I was supposed to be at a baptism today.

Well, why would you want to go to a baptism?

My roommate from college, his wife

went through the whole thing.

She's getting baptized today.

Why do you still talk to your college roommate's wife?

I don't talk to my sister anymore.

- Sweetie, come here. How you doing? Hi. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Come here. - Oh.

My buddy here is not that experienced.

- Give him an education. You understand? - Okay.

- Whatever... - Let's just leave it alone.

Shut up. You're gonna love this.

- Fine, but I'm doing this under protest. - What's to protest?

- Hi. You have very strong hands. - Hi.

You're dancing with a hot chick under protest.

- I don't know what to do with you, man. - I don't know what to do.

Clearly. Don't come back until you have hepatitis C.

Okay.

Go get 'em, buddy.

- Just sit down. - Sure.

- It's like Jambi's house. - All right, sit down.

It's not as soft as I thought it would be,

- but... lovely. - Open your legs.

Okay.

Now, tell me what you like.

Oh. I like, uh... free WiFi...

Matt Damon.

I love breakfast for dinner.

It's great. It's, um... it's a lot.

- Just relax. - Hey. Um...

I didn't know there was, uh...

This is... this is the lap part then.

- Mm-hmm. - You're a very good dancer.

Mmm. Do you like that?

- Yeah. - Do you like to dance?

- I... - Just relax, okay? Enjoy.

- Yeah? - Okay. Yeah. Oh yeah.

There's so many signs that say "no touching."

Oh, that's okay.

Your friend ordered...

...off menu.

- What's your name? - My name's Peter.

- Mmm. Pete. - Short for Pete.

- Okay. No, no, no. - Give it up, Pete.

- Do you like that? - It's just I'm a ticklish boy.

- Isn't this fun? You having fun? - Yeah.

Yeah?

- Pete. - Pete. I'm sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Hold on.

Sorry. This is... this is degrading.

- Degrading? - Just...

- For who? - For you.

For me?

You are... you're being degraded, right?

- Excuse me? - You're grinding on me for... for cash.

What the fuck do you do for a living?

I'm a... I'm a stand-up. I do comedy.

- Oh shit. A fucking comedian? - Yeah.

Oh. Okay, so you-you... You stand up on stage

at a bar and show your comedy titties to strangers,

- and that's okay? - It's my passion?

No one's a fucking bigger degenerate than a comic!

I used to date Jim Norton. He owes me fucking $4,000.

- I... - He can't even afford to get

his own parking spot in Manhattan.

- You got a parking spot? - No.

I make $1,400 a night. How much do you make?

- Uh... - What are you gonna do when you're 60?

Tell jokes at fucking Yuk Yuk's in Calgary?

- What? - You think you're funny?

You think you're funnier than Katt Williams?

I don't do that kind of humor. I'm...

Every motherfucker and their mother has a one-hour special.

There's more demand, because people have

an appreciation for the art form.

It don't mean dick!

Comedy died with Richard Pryor.

You know what? I'm done talking to your ass.

We got three more songs, and I don't wanna hear nothing else no more.

- Okay. I'm sorry. - Three more songs.

Spank it, you Jim Gaffigan rip-off!

What?

I'm gonna give you some balls before you leave here.

Okay, that didn't feel good.

See you later.

Oh... God.

Shit.

So, where to now?

I feel worse. You liked that?

What are you talking about, "liked that"? Of course.

- You don't like that? - It was depressing. She yelled at me.

Where the fuck are you from? I mean, I can't believe it.

You never been to a legs and eggs before.

I'm a bad friend, Artie.

I should be with my friend today.

- I should be at the baptism. - Fine! I'll go to the baptism with you.

You want to go to a baptism?

I'm a comedian. I work 45 minutes a night.

I got tons of hours to kill during the day.

- Hey, Artie. - Yeah, gimme the...

Hey! Jimmy Norton.

- How you doing? - Good to see you, man.

Good to see you, buddy. Are you going for the breakfast?

It's the best time to come. Always come before noon.

The girls need you more than you need them.

You really fucking drive down prices before noon.

Good news. We're on our way to a baptism.

- Oh. Pray for me, will ya? - Of course.

- Nice meeting you. - Nice to meet you.

Is there air conditioning under that tent?

No, it's outside. It's like a wedding.

Pay attention. You might get something out of it, you know?

I gotta pay attention?

I'm beginning to feel like I'm on the opposing team's court.

Thank you, Lord, for this...

Dude, I'm freaking out. When do they bring out the Nikes and Kool-Aid?

- After the service or before? - Hey.

These are good people. They're loving people.

They'll be very nice to you. Just try to blend in.

- Pete? Hey. - Hey, Skowie.

What's up, man? I'm so glad you could make it.

- Nice to see you. - You too.

- Ellen, hi. - Hi.

- Nice to see you. - So good to see you.

- Hi. - Hey, how you doing? Artie Lange.

- How you doing? All right? Yeah, okay. - Nice to meet you.

- Take care of yourself. - All right, take care.

- Elf? - That's my friend Artie, yeah.

- He's in Elf. We love that movie. - Yeah.

- It's a great film. - We rent a movie every Friday.

We call it "movie night."

And who's this?

- Can you say hi, Penny? - "Hi, Petey."