The Millers

- Wow. - (Ray whistles)

- Must be the right place. - Mm-hmm.

Can I help you guys with something?

Oh, hi. Yeah, uh, my boss sent me down here.

I'm... I'm going undercover, and I... I need a disguise

that's good enough

that even my own mother wouldn't recognize me.

Already got one that's good enough to fool my dad.

He's, uh... He's kind of dopey.

If... If you knew him, you'd be cracking up.

Hey, Nate, guess how I feel.

You feel horny.

I feel horny!

Look, I... I just need the disguise to be believable.

This story could really make my career.

- Maybe even go national. - Oh!

I just, uh, don't want to look like an amateur

in a wig and glasses.

Or Geraldo in the '80s.

Got it. Have a seat.

Joy, hop up.

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. Sit, sit, sit.

I... I can stand till he's ready. Wow.

That is a scary mole you put on her, by the way.

Yikes!

I'm Joy.

I'll be your makeup artist.

Yup. Geraldo.

Geraldo with a mole.

The Millers S01E21 "0072"

I'm standing here at the back entrance of Pete Sheets,

where, earlier today, I went undercover

wearing these special camera glasses.

Inside, I purchased what were advertised

as 800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets.

But who takes the time to actually count the threads?

We do, and it didn't take long.

16, 17, 18, 19...

And done.

That's right. These are 19 thread count sheets.

And our lab results say, the cotton is actually from...

Detroit.

Uh... Uh, not on my watch.

Hey, Pete, I'd like to talk to you

about these 800 thread count sheets.

We've got a runner. We've got a runner!

Once again, my Miller instinct was right.

It's kind of a play on-on killer instinct, because the...

Hey, were you guys even watching?

- Yeah! - (Carol)You were good, son.

So good. Great.

Oh, that's me. It's time.

Wait. Time for what, dad?

Time to start dating.

Wait, you set an alarm to remind you

when it was time to start dating?

Well, after your mother and I divorced,

I decided I needed some time alone to focus on me,

so, uh, I set my watch to beep in seven months,

when I figured I'd be ready to date, and it beeped.

Time to date.

Have you seen yourself lately?

I'd hit the snooze button.

Wait... Wait... Wait a second.

Seven months? Why... Why seven?

Well, after 43 years of your mother's voice,

I needed one month for the ringing in my ears to go away.

That's what that is.

Then months two through six to get in shape.

My body had fallen into disrepair

with the last tenant. Needed some

renovations before it could be shown.

Well, I hope you fix that leak.

And the mold in the basement.

I spent the last month watching tv

to learn techniques for picking up ladies.

Turns out the best advice was on Animal Planet.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go make myself look big

and expose my rear flank to a receptive female.

Guys, we... we can't just let him go out there like that.

He's gonna get rejected by every woman he meets.

And we know that he does not handle rejection well.

Yeah, Nathan's right.

I mean, remember when they turned down his business loan,

last year at the bank?

Well, no bank was gonna fund his workout DVD,

"Sweatin' With the Oldie".

Yeah, well, in protest,

he withdrew his entire life savings,

and he stashed it in our couch.

There's also a little in the chair

because he read somewhere it was good to diversify.

Your father's gonna be fine.

There are plenty of lonely old women out there

ready to snatch him up.

He's like the last piece of soggy, mangled bacon

on a breakfast buffet.

Gross, but still bacon.

Yeah, but that's the problem. He'll probably settle down with the first woman he meets.

You know, if he just latches on

to the first woman he sees, this could be bad for all of us.

I mean, I think we all know that when it comes to women,

Tom isn't exactly picky.

Excuse me...?

Sorry... (laughs)

What I meant was,

when it comes to women, he'll take whatever he can get.

Nope, that's not better.

Plus, dad's such a creature of habit,

so you know he's gonna marry this woman.

Which will make me a stepchild.

A red-headed stepchild.

We know how that's gonna turn out.

Those kids get killed at recess.

Look, I think it's up to us to find dad a new girlfriend.

And she has to be able to take care of him.

Yeah, and she better know CPR.

Last week he nearly choked to death on a scoop of ice cream.

And you all make fun of me for keeping a hairdryer in my car.

And she needs to be decisive.

Poor Tom freezes up whenever anyone asks him

his favorite color.

As far as I know, it's "blurple."

And no murderers.

I mean, I know that sounds judgy and un-pc,

but if someone has killed somebody,

I just have a hard time trusting them.

Yeah, no one's picking a murderer, Adam.

Look, let's just keep our eyes open,

and try to find someone before he does.

We better hurry, because he's out there

hitting on women right now.

Hey.

Uh, what's the name of that lady down the street?

Can you be more specific?

Uh, wh... what's that movie where they're looking for the fish?

"Finding Nemo"?

Yeah, and who plays the daddy fish?

Albert Brooks?

Right, well, this woman goes power-walking

with that woman who looks like Albert Brooks.

Rebecca with all the cats?

Rebecca! That's it!

I just hit Rebecca with my car.

Well, Rebecca's out.

Y... You're sure you don't know anybody

who could date my dad?

For free?

No.

Oh, hey!

I caught your "Miller instinct" thing on the news.

I like you standing up for the little guy.

Who you busting today?

Oh, it's a, it's a crooked doggy day care

where, uh, beloved pets are left unsupervised

to fight amongst themselves.

We're... We're calling it "Lord of the Fleas."

Yeah, no.

I would've gone with "Bite Club."

I... I had that one written down, too, so...

if that's what it's called,

just know that.

Oh, I am so sorry I'm late.

I was in a restaurant

and this old guy starts choking on a steak.

People didn't know what to do.

So, I just grabbed a pen,

and jammed it through his neck to make an air hole.

Oh, wow! What a decisive, first-aid-knowing lady you are.

You... You wouldn't by any chance,

happen to be single, would you?

Oh, recently.

My husband passed away.

Oh.

You didn't murder him, did you?

And she has no kids,

which means no annoying stepchildren or grandchildren.

Christmas can still be just all about us.

Mom.

- Yes, I have a question. - Uh-huh.

Is that giant brown mole on her face

a giant brown mole on her face?

Mom, you're being very insensitive.

I don't care one way or another.

I just know your father.

And whenever he sees a button,

he has to press it.

Listen, I'm... I'm sure if the mole is that big of a deal,

she can have it removed.

No, if that could've been removed,

she would've done it already.

Yeah, that thing must be tugging on a vital organ.

Adam?

Not that it matters, because say hello

to dad's perfect mate, Mrs. Walker,

who also happens to be the Vice Principal of Mikayla's school.

Wait, she's sitting in a wheelchair?

No, she is sitting proudly in a wheelchair.

You can't see it, but the bumper sticker

on the back says, "That's how I roll."