Impractical Jokers

Narrator: Coming up -- is joe seeing crystal clear?

What has q playing poltergeist?

So, I hired these guys to fake a haunting and scare my wife.

Narrator: And which losing joker will be in royal pain

In tonight's big punishment?

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Cheese boy!

Today, we're posing as "past life" therapists,

Telling people about their previous journeys on earth.

But the details of these past lives

Will be given to us by the other guys.

The goal is to get through those details without laughing.

Whoever laughs the most --

Is named sal.

Put that clicker down.

"everybody loves raymond" will be right back.

-Here we go. -Hi.

What's your name? -Hi. I'm sarah.

Thanks for joining us today.

Why don't we jump right into the readings?

"I'm seeing water."

I'm seeing water.

"how are you around barnacles?

Do barnacles make you angry?"

How are you around, like, barnacles and such?

Do barnacles anger you?

Do they anger me?

Um... I have...

Joe: Look, he's hiding it!

He's hiding it!

She can see you, you idiot.

...Your head being underwater.

Yes. Okay.

Joe: "you were very involved in women's suffrage."

I see large involvement in women's suffrage.

"leading marches, gathering signatures."

Leading marches, things like that, signatures.

"and then, in the end, your side lost,

And women, unfortunately, were able to vote."

That's a laugh.

Unfortunately, like, you lost in that movement.

Women did gain the right to vote in 1920.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

"the romans ran you down with their horses."

The romans -- those -- you know the romans?

The romans ran you down with the horses.

"you hate horses, though, right?"

Fact check -- you hate horses?

I do not hate horses.

"romans? "do you hate romans?"

"do you hate romans?"

Do you hate romans, or...?

I don't hate a lot.

"how do you feel about numerals?"

Things roman adjacent -- how do you feel about numerals?

I didn't understand them for a very long time.

"well, suck me silly. You were a pumpkin."

Suck me silly, though, it looks like you were --

You were a pumpkin. You were a goddamn pumpkin.

We come from the earth, so, like,

I also get people as trees,

As plants, as things, like, of that nature.

-"for instance..." -for instance...

-"...I..." -...I...

"...Was a zucchini."

...I was in the squash family, as well.

I was --

Yeah, I probably was, like,

More of a zucchini or a summer squash.

You look insane.

I can't believe how much I'm picking up here.

It's a very fun read.

Joe: "you were a milquetoast little twerp with no spine

And died a coward's death choking on a duck egg."

I'm getting that you were, possibly, at one time, like,

A milquetoast little twerp with no spine

That died a coward's death choking on a duck egg.

But this is just general, general terms.

I wish I had more to tell you there.

Murr: Here he is, guys. The professor is in.

Alright, do me a favor and just hold that up one second.

"you were the rapscallion of pennsyltucky."

In your former life, you were the rapscallion of pennsyltucky.

"and a devilish turd, at that."

And a devilish turd, at that.

-That's a laugh! -Do me a favor.

Just knock those together for me, just once.

Okay. Yeah.

There you go. There you go.

-"oh. Oh." -oh.

"you don't strike me as a homicidal succubus,

But the cymbals don't lie."

You got him! You got him!

You don't strike me as a homicidal succubus, but...

Can you do me a favor? Can you flip this coin?

Sure.

And then just tell me what comes up -- a head or a castle.

There you go.

-Castle. -Castle!

"well, suck me silly. You were a pumpkin."

Oh, well, suck me silly, you were a pumpkin.

Murr: "millennia ago..."

Millennia ago...

"...You were the world's first lesbian."

Millennia ago, you were the world's --

This is very interesting -- first lesbian.

"some hot cave-on-cave action."

Some hot cave-on-cave action going on.

There you go.

Let me just dive back in for a second.

Joe: "you were a professor."

You were a professor.

"no, no. An archaeologist."

No, no, no. Ooh. An archaeologist.

"you carried a whip."

You...

You carried a whip.

"throw me the idol. I'll throw you the whip."

Throw me...

The idol.

I'll throw you the whip.

Does that sound familiar?

It doesn't sound familiar from my history.

No. It wouldn't be. That was "indiana jones."

"have you found this helpful yet?"

Have you --

You found this helpful, right?

Murr: Got him. Got him at the end.

Hi. How are you? Oh, here we go.

I'm gonna start crying already.

Just gonna ask you which one do you gravitate towards?

The golden one.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Well, suck me silly. You were a pumpkin.

I'm just gonna get that out of the...

Murr: Joe, joe.

"two millennia ago..."

Two millennia ago...

"...You were a fart."

Two millennia ago, you were a fart.

-"you died..." -you died...

"...And then, you became the wind."

...And then, you became the wind.

You were just a fart in the wind.

Great.

Okay. "so, good news, bad news."

Good news, bad news, though.

"this is your first time as a human..."

This is your first time as a human...

"...After working your way up..."

...After working your way up...

"...As a rat in the victorian era."

...As a rat in the victorian era.

"my wife was a rat."

My wife was a rat.

"and I'm her little cheese boy."

Now, currently, I'm her little cheese boy.

I've never heard that voice from him before.

I'm her little cheese boy.

I'm her little cheese boy.

You're off the rails!

Now, let's get back to you. Don't worry about me.

"yahtzee."

Yahtzee.

"you appear to be..." you appear to be...

"...The chosen one." ...The chosen one.

"I must contact lord zulio."

I must contact lord zulio.

-"I do want to tell you more." -I do want to tell you more.

"but you've hit the paywall."

But you hit a paywall. "either we're finished..."

Either we're finished...

"... Or you give cheese boy a little more money."

...Or you give cheese boy a little bit of that cheddar.

How are you not laughing?

'cause he's in control.

You can let yourself out, if you like.

He somehow managed to turn this on us.

-And her, too. -I know.

The goal isn't to make us laugh.

It's us to make him laugh.

Yeah, I know.