Mafianado

All right.

So you wanna be one of us, a made guy?

Amico Nostra.

First, they gotta agree to open the books,

then you've gotta get made.

You'll be required to take the Oath of Omerta.

They'll prick your finger.

And once you become a button man, you are a wise guy.

Soldier first, capo after that.

Consigliere, underboss after that.

And if you live long enough, the boss.

A made man enjoys the full protection

and backing of the crew.

That is, as long as he remains in favor,

and earns enough money.

You become untouchable by fellow criminals.

You ought to be respected and feared,

and don't ever rat on your friends.

Across the family.

Family is everything in our thing.

How tornadoes have anything to do with all this, fuck knows.

But my guess is we're gonna find out.

So these two Italians, they get on the bus going to AC,

and they sit in front of this little old Jewish lady.

They start talking.

The one guy says, Him, come first, then I come.

Then two asses come together.

I come one more, two asses they coming together again.

I come again, to be twice.

I come one last time.

So the Jewish blonde, she hears this conversation

and her jaw is like on the fucking floor.

And she says, "You pigs in this country,

we don't talk about our sex lives in public."

And the Italian says, "Hey, cool it down lady."

Who's talking about sex?

I'm just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi.

Even to this day, nobody believes me.

But this crew, these fat fucks right there,

these are the guys that really ran Jersey.

Joey Beats was the muscle, hence the name.

Look at the mouth on this guy.

Remo Tutos Camuso was the under boss of the family.

Rumor has it, that after he whacked a guy,

he sent two of their toes back home to their wife and kids.

Buzzy Melina was a capo. He was all right.

Buzzy never said too much.

He mostly just took orders.

And then there was Joe Durra, the boss of the family.

When this Momo spoke, it was for a reason

and you better believe the whole room stopped

what they were fucking doing,

and fucking listened.

Just like this.

I don't get it.

He's spelling Mississippi,

but the Jew thinks he's being cute.

Where are we with the thing?

What thing?

The thing down there, you know?

Oh, that thing.

Yeah, we took care of that already.

So it's done?

It's done.

- Eh, salud, - Salud.

Salud.

What about the other guy?

Which guy?

The other guy.

A friend that may or may not have disappeared

in the Meadowlands.

So what do you wanna do about that?

I already talked to the guy.

And?

Smart ass drove all the way up to Seacaucus

to give the cafone a smack in the mouth.

I remember Seacaucus.

I got my first hand job there.

I was 15.

Oh yeah? How old was the other guy, huh?

I don't know. Why don't you ask your sister?

She was there.

- Eh, salud. - Salud.

Salud.

There is one more point of order at hand.

That package, a friend down South stashed away for us.

What about it?

We gotta move it. It's no big deal.

What do you mean, moving?

I mean, we gotta get it out of there.

Fucking condominiums. I'm fucking telling you.

Whatever happened to small town America?

Nah. Nah, it's not like that.

It's just the weatherman says there's a tornado coming.

What are you now, the fucking weather channel?

It's just, I don't think I need to explain

how bad it would look if a certain someone's rotting corpse

went flying past the screen during the six o'clock news.

Like in "Twister."

Huh?

The movie. The goggles flying past the screen.

Anyway, I think it would behoove us

to send someone down there to dig it up.

You know, the way I see it, why take a chance?

Alright, Joey, you and Buzzy go out there

and take care of it.

Boss, I got that thing in the city.

Yeah, me too, Joe.

Everybody's got a fucking thing in the city now?

What are we doing over here?

It's my Goomah.

She's got surgery on her tooth.

I got the no-show on Saturday.

And that sanitation guy in New Milford

is being a real pain in my ass.

What are you gonna do, boss?

Surgery, sanitation. Call Nico.

Let him contact me right away.

This is where I come in, a soldier.

Whatever the fuck.

I just do what Joe and Remo tell me to do,

and don't ask questions.

Simple as that.

I did my job, I got paid and that was that.

Nico, listen to me,

I got a problem I want you to take care of.

Sure, Joe. Anything. You know that.

The garden down south is making us a lot of money,

and business is good in the streets.

Recession proof.

Having said that, there's a package

that we need to move down there.

What package?

The kind we don't want to come back to haunt us.

Remo says there's some kind of a bad weather in the area

or whatever the fuck.

So I think you go down there, work with that guy,

take things from here to over there.

You think you can do that?

Of course. No problem.

Bring me the fucking thing.

That's it, boss.

You ain't gonna count it?

I trust you.

Besides, if it's short,

who am I gonna bitch to?

You do this for me,

we'll talk about making you bones, kid.

All right.

I had one job, no big deal.

Only problem was I had to convince my old lady

this was work.

And not me disappearing for a weekend

with the boys with some skank.

Where do you think you're going?

We talked about this, Alessia.

You expect me to believe they're just gonna send you down

to Texas just like that?

It's part of the job.

Job? What job?

You hardly get paid.

And that electrician post at my uncle's company,

that was a job, a real one with benefits and all.

And what you do is try and act

like you're some half a wise guy pulling jobs

for Buzzy Melina and Joey Bats.

Beats, Joey Beats.

Bats, Beats, whatever the fuck.

Point is, there's no future in this for you.

- Really? - Yes, really.

We're wasting all my childbearing years waiting for you

to earn your stripes.

Not to mention you're gone all the time.

I swear, sometimes I feel like my vibrator knows

how to turn me on better than you.

You weren't saying that when I brought home

that Chanel watch or that Cardi and mink coat.

Oh, well that was different.

Those were gifts.

Look, I don't have time for this, okay.

I need to be on the road.

Here, take this.

You pay some of the bills, spend the rest.

But what if I wanna get my nails done while you're gone?

Then spend it. I don't care.

Just stop breaking my balls, all right.

Be back in a few days.

Sullivan.

Agent Sullivan, we're calling for a status.

This is what I have.

So Joseph, Buzzy Melina,

who was the father, deceased,

ran things down on Maple Avenue in the 70's

for the Dura Crime family.

Crack, heroin, he spent 10 months in counting,

another 16 on railway.

He was shot and killed on his way home

from the corner store.

And all we found on the body was $6

in losing lottery tickets and a Kiwi strawberry Snapple.