The Sex Thief

I'm terribly sorry, did I disturb you?

Mrs barrow: I should scream.

I shan't keep you a moment.

Don't do that, you might disturb the neighbours.

I must compliment you on your good taste, by the way.

You have such beautiful objects.

I particularly like the Picasso lithographs in the hall.

However, of all the beautiful objects

I must say, you are by far the most exquisite.

I shall scream.

Later.

Emily barrow: It was awful.

Sorry about that I caught it off the wife.

Nothing more you can think of that might be of any help, mrs barrow?

Oh it was awful, him standing there like that.

If only I'd been here to protect you.

I'm on nights this week you see.

I do voluntary social work looking after inadequates.

Yes, I see.

Now if I can just recap.

"I was awakened at about 2:30 am by a noise.

I got up to investigate.

I went into the dining room and switched on the light.

I saw a man standing there by the window going through the silver."

Yes that's right.

I was so frightened, I didn't know what to do.

Constable: Then we come on to your description of the man.

"He wore a small black velvet mask, ginger hair, height about six feet, four

stocky build, sallow complexion, age somewhere between 40 and 50.

Spoke with a Russian accent."

"He pushed past me, seized my Jewel case and ran out of the flat."

Please, constable, my wife's recovering from a very nasty shock.

Right then.

Your husband's given me a list of yourjewellery.

I daresay you'll be hearing from us pretty quick.

In the meantime, if you do happen to remember anything else

you know where we are.

Good day madam.

Disgusting!

Inspector Smith: Must be a gang.

Absolutely disgusting.

Inspector Smith: Every description different.

These Jewel robberies

it must be a gang operation.

Or a master of disguise.

Well, who could disguise himself as a club footed coloured midget one week

and a six foot six Russian with a hairlip the next?

Out of work actor maybe?

Christ, seven burglaries in three months.

Always the same trademark and yet seven totally different descriptions.

The old man's doing his nut

and the identity kit boys aren't even talking to me.

They think I'm having them on.

So what do you want me to check on, multiracial gangs or out of work actors?

I'll check myself

with the latest victim.

What's her name?

- Mrs barrow? - Yeah.

Well, come on.

I do have this latest consignment of dodgy magazines to check sir.

We're in the middle of a bloody crime wave

and they keep pinching my men for the pornography squad.

Can't you just leave that for a moment?

Plinth?!

Yes sir.

I'll fetch it with me sir, I could always work on it in the car.

Oh, it was awful, awful.

I kept protesting, of course,

but he just kept saying 'nyet nyet' in that dreadful, grating accent.

What makes you think it was Russian, mrs barrow?

Oh, I couldn't be sure, I mean,

he could have been Serbian, croat or something,

or even Icelandic.

But he gave that, well, impression.

Yes.

I do hope I'm being helpful.

Oh, yes, yes.

Tell me you did say it was 2:30 am this happened?

Tell me, why didn't you call the police before six in the morning?

Oh, was it that long?

I mean, I was stressed, I was fraught, uh

and that's when my husband came home.

Yes, I do social work at night you see.

Looking after inadequates.

I see.

And that's when you felt sufficiently recovered from the shock to phone us?

Exactly.

Thank you, mrs barrow, mr barrow.

That's all we need to know for now.

I might need to question you again later.

Yes, of course, I'll do anything I can to help

see that beast put behind bars.

Hmm, well from what you told us, you may be the subject of an extradition order.

- We'll see, sergeant plinth. - Sir?

I don't think we'll get much more from mrs barrow.

Is the insurance investigator here?

Yes sir, left out in the hall with the reporter.

- I think I'll have a word with her. - Yes sir.

Alright, you can come in now.

Inspector Smith's finished.

And the inspector would like a word with you miss.

Not bad for an insurance investigator, eh?

She could settle my claim any time.

You reporters you're all the same aren't you?

Sex mad!

Go on if you want to finish your interview.

Hey, that's not bad either.

Well you couldn't blame anyone for snatching her in, could you?

Sorry for that interruption, mrs barrow.

Must let the guardians of the law get on with their work, mustn't we?

Right, now where were we?

Ah yes, you were saying how you thought pornography and violence on television

was encouraging this sort of thing.

Uh, I thought you said that?

Well, it's the same thing these days, mrs barrow.

It's all violence.

You know, you're very lucky he only took your jewellery.

He didn't harm you in any way.

Well, he was in such a rush, you see.

Uh there was an emerald necklace, for example, valued at over £11,000.

Judy Marvin: Mrs barrow, I really don't think it's wise

to have that sort of information printed in a newspaper.

Guy Hammond: Oh, come on.

I insist it's printed.

I don't want him to think he's got away with everything.

I mean, well, it'll be a comfort to anyone who reads it

to think that burglars don't take everything.

That's the only reason I want it printed, I assure you.

She's asking for trouble, you know, saying things like that to the press,

especially guy Hammond.

Not much I can do if she wants to invite another burglary.

Have you found anything?

Same as all the others, not a single clue.

- No progress at all? - No.

You?

Let's drown our sorrow, shall we?

Judy Marvin: It's costing the insurance company a small fortune.

Five out of the seven burglaries have been our clients.

Yeah, I remember you thinking there might be a connection.

One of my more inspired ideas.

Not that it came to anything other than upsetting half the staff.

Didn't exactly please my boss either.

You know, if I don't come up with something positive soon,

I'm going to be out of a job.

You know, miss Marvin.

Oh please call me Judy.

Judy, if I don't solve this case quickly, I'm going to be in trouble too.

I hear them all whispering now

pratty would have solved it.

I took Pratt's place when he retired.

Inspector Pratt, yes he was quite famous, wasn't he?

Right.

This is my chance to really prove myself

and I can't even find a single clue.

Not one.

Not even half a clue.

Never mind, inspector.

Robert.

No offence but I'm afraid I do mind.

I'm sure something will turn up.

You know, Judy, there's something about you I really admire.

Tits.

I'm a big tit man myself.

No, arses and thighs, that's me.

I have dreams at night about them.

Oh, don't mistake me, I mean I like arses and thighs too

but... tits you know, great big ones.

That's really something.

I tell you, when I firstjoined the force, I asked to go with the vice squad but

there's such a long waiting list.

I suppose you must get access to some pretty hot stuff up the yard.

- Yeah. - You know, photos and things.

Most of it's under lock and key, of course, but um...

Now and again, you manage to get a quick glimpse.

I'll tell you the other day,

a couple of boys from the flying squad,

they seized a bunch of really hard-core porn stuff.

They were trying to smuggle it in through customs.

- Yeah. - Well there was one.

I'll tell you I've never seen anything like it before.

It was this, um

this bird like, beautiful tits, beautiful.

She'd got this stuffed rhinoceros on her...

What you came for is under here with me.

- It's all insured. - Grant Henry: Good.

Then we'll both get something.

But, if you don't mind, I won't stay, I'm very tired.

I do hope you haven't worn yourself out breaking and entering

but if you want them, you've got to take them.

Grant Henry: No really, thank you, I mustn't be too late back

I have to be up early in the morning and... you understand?

I'm sure the police would understand, but of course,

they might not let you sleep either.

Ah good morning.

My usual carnation please?

- Just the one sir. - Ah yes thank you.

Oh that'll be 10p.

- Thank you very much, good day to you. - Thank you.

God bless.

Ah, is he up yet?