Scrubs

- You ready for your first day, Chief? - I sure am, Chief.

And tonight's my welcome dinner. You're coming, right?

Absolutely.

If someone at your table doesn't show up, you're allowed to eat their cake.

Wait a minute, I know that smirk. You got me a present, didn't you?

I did.

Oh, my God.

No, no, this isn't your present. Their bus jumped a median.

I got you these. "Two chiefs."

- Oh, my God. - I know.

My littlest made them for us.

Mine's chocolate. Yours is vanilla.

- I'll take brown. - Okay.

We're gonna need a secret handshake.

I worked on that at four o'clock in the morning.

You ready? This is how it goes.

We go, "Two chiefs," high five, bring it down, boom.

- And then jazz hands if we have time. - Sure.

Hey, kid, do me a favor. Give us a beat.

Throw some stank on it. This is our first chief strut.

Make it nasty.

Okay, our next patient… Blake?

This is Ms. Flynn, 42, admitted with edema, fatigue.

My very first rounds with my interns.

I needed to establish my teaching style. Be firm.

That's not gonna cut it, buddy boy.

But I correctly diagnosed her, and she's being discharged.

Oh, sorry. To be honest, I was thinking about my teaching style.

Great job, buddy boy.

Next patient.

You've never been good at being mean.

Try super friendly with fun nicknames.

Okay, this is Stanley Campos, admitted for cardiac amyloidosis.

He's hyponatremic. Who can tell me why?

It's hypervolemic hyponatremia, secondary to congestive heart failure.

Nice job, Dr. Tosh. You are on fire today.

I'm gonna call you...

"Hot Mouth"? You called an intern "Hot Mouth"?

Dr. Tosh was answering every question right. She was on fire.

Dr. Dorian, in the future, I'm going to need you to...

Wait, I know. Bring it down.

- Okay, leave the gestures to me. - Oh.

In the future, I'm going to need you to stop and think.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my next meeting is going to be a long one.

Speaking of things that are long... Nope, I'm not gonna finish that.

The Big Dog has learned that's not appropriate.

- Oh. - Todd, you're showing huge growth.

Well, then you should see my do...

Being Chief of Medicine was an opportunity to change the culture,

to treat interns with dignity, and to put patient care above profits.

I had been chosen by the best to ever do it.

And even though they painted him like a serial killer,

I'm not going to let him down.

I know you're thinking you won't let him down,

but I can assure you, you most definitely will.

You haven't worked at a hospital in over 15 years

and you think you can prance in here like a gay little reindeer

ready to lead Santa's sleigh, even though Rudolph was there before you.

Rudolph worked harder, and Rudolph deserves it more.

I'm guessing you're Rudolph.

Just like in the movies, every hospital has a hero and a villain.

Appletini. Shaken, not stirred.

The name's Dorian, John Dorian.

Seriously? You made me the Asian villain with no lines?

And yet, here you are talking.

That was definitely not shaken.

Listen, when I see something I want, I get it.

You see those two gorgeous surgeons back there?

Before they met me, they were married,

and then I banged them both.

Wow, that is a lot of input for me first thing in the morning.

That's exactly what they said.

- What is your point? - I'm very good at sex.

No, what is your macro point?

I don't quit until I get what I want.

He banged them both.

How are you?

I was gonna check in 'cause I know you've had a rough week,

but then I realized, it's funny really, that we don't have each other's numbers.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Okay, Asher, your patient. Take it away.

Stanley, or as I call him, Stan the Man…

We're not doing nicknames anymore.

Dodged a bullet there, bud.

Anyway, Stanley here has a heart full of joy.

Well, his chart says he has a heart full of protein deposits,

so maybe start with that.

Stanley, are you taking your medication?

I am.

Yeah, Ashy here has been really worried about me,

but I'm doing, you know, I'm doing all r...

Oh, my God. Is he coding? He's coding.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Gotcha.

He almost started chest compressions and broke most of your ribs, but good one.

Let's get a TDM and check the level of meds in his system.

- After you. - Thank you.

Bowl head.

He's crashing.

Nurse, compressions. Tosh, intubate.

Visualize the larynx.

Get the tube in place.

I'm in. But his jaw fell off.

Am I gonna get sued for this?

- Should I fix it, or... - No, you don't have to fix this.

Okay.

You have to fix this.

I'm the head of the hospital simulation program.

These mannequins are so old,

they don't even think I should have the right to vote.

Is that Norm? Oh, he and I go way back.

I put my mouth on him before I ever put my mouth on you.

Pay attention.

Every other hospital has a high-tech simulation program

with mannequins that provide real-time vitals.

It's a big expense, J.D.,

but this is your chance to actually make a difference around here.

You know what, Elliot, thank you for bringing this to my attention.

- I'm going to approve it. - Yes!

I owed it to Norm. He made me a better kisser.

We won't ever tell her what really happened, Norm, will we?

I felt good about my decision.

Cutting-edge technology was the best way to give interns hands-on experience.

None of you are allowed to touch my surgical robot.

That is my robot. Whose robot is it?

- Your robot. - Exactly.

When it arrives, if you plan on using it,

you will have to finish every single training module.

- Dr. Turk? - Yes?

I'm in the middle of an 18-hour shift.

When am I supposed to learn all this without losing my mind?

That is a great question, Dashana.

What is that not, everyone?

Your problem.

Exactly, exactly.

Matter of fact, don't even look at this no more.

Hi. Hospital-mandated nap time about to go down.

Thankfully, I have my Winston smart sleep mask.

Thank you, Winston.

Hey, could you create content elsewhere? I'm just… I'm trying to sleep.

Oops, sorry.

I just have to say, I've followed you since med school.

Huge fan.

Sorry.

I really like your sleep mask. My aunt knitted mine.

She has arthritis and can't tighten the knots.

It lets in a lot of light, but I just count the holes till I fall asleep.

It's like, uh, counting stars.

They send me these for free.

They're Velcro, so they wrap around your head.

Maybe you can wrap it around your mouths

so I can take part in the mandated 30-minute REM sleep.

Thank you.

My God.

Stanley, your blood work show that you aren't taking your medication.

I… I'm-I'm taking it.

The lab results don't lie, Stanley.

Even with my insurance, it's like a thousand bucks for 90 pills.

So I take two a week instead of one a day.

Makes them last longer.

It's all I can afford.

A thousand dollars for 90 pills?

The NHS isn't perfect, but you do realize all our prescriptions only cost $10?

How the hell is anyone supposed to afford to live in this country if they get sick?

Well, if you're ugly, there's GoFundMe. If you look like me, it's OnlyFans.

Good heavens.

Look, you don't have time to get involved. You have too many patients to see.

Hey, dummies. Let's go, ticktock.

To maximize profits, doctors are required to see five patients every hour.

That's only 12 minutes per patient.

It can feel a bit mechanical.

Move, move. Let's go, people. Let's go.

- Pupils equal and reactive. - O2 topped off.

- Fluids topped up. - Pressure check.

- Ticktock. Let's go! - Reflexes intact.

- Go, go, go. - Lights in.

- And clear. - Let's go. Let's go.

- One, two, three. Sacred Heart! - Sacred Heart!

You know what? I'm changing the culture around here.

Don't worry about Dr. Park.

You call the insurance company.

You do whatever you need to do for Stanley.

But what about my patients?

I'll cover them.

Trust me, they won't notice you're gone.

That's not nice.

Thank you, Dr. Dorian. I'll call his insurance company now.

And there it was,

the look that I had given Dr. Cox so many times,

the one that said...

Dr. Dorian, you're the mentor I've always dreamed of.

Ooh. It sounded even better in British.

Next stop on Chief, day one,

it was time to double down and bond with the most important people in the hospital.

Hello, charge nurses.

You two are a fun pair. I'm gonna call you…

Uh-uh.

…by your given names.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

- Mine's John Dorian. - Oh, you better not be.