Fake$

No, it's the best movie theater in the country. Easy.

There's never been anything like it.

Aren't there like 30 other theaters called the Strand?

I guess, but none of them play '90s movies all the time.

You give way too much credit to the '90s.

Yeah, because the '90s were awesome.

Okay, there was like a new Jim Carrey movie

like every other month.

You come to this theater every day,

you see every stupid movie.

What are you gonna do if we close down someday?

No, no, I'm, I'm never gonna let this place go.

You should have seen the drive-in on Route 9.

That was a theater.

I could seriously see myself

owning a theater like this when I'm older.

It'd be way too much work.

Plus all the kids that work here suck ass.

Well, present company excluded.

I'll find non-ass-suckers.

And I'll put in a section for DVD rentals.

It's so old-fashioned.

Well, I'm a big believer in the power of nostalgia.

You're delusional.

And the Strand is just a movie theater.

It's not just a movie theater, okay?

It's, it's, it's a church,

a temple, a palace to the greatness

of Quentin Tarantino and Amy Heckerling.

I thought it'd be harder for you to come here

since your dad passed away.

No, no. Not at all, actually.

In fact, I'm keeping his crusade alive.

Right.

Look, the Strand gives out floss.

No other theater gives out floss.

I'd stay here forever and I'd have zero regrets.

You know what I'd actually do?

I would, I would turn the concessions into a loft

and then make a neck pillow of melted milk duds.

You could be my butler.

As flattering as that sounds,

I think you should probably go.

Okay, how about butler/executive assistant?

Oh my God, no.

With, with benefits. Not the sexual kind.

I mean, like, like dental.

Isn't that the officer that's been chasing you around?

Shit.

Shannon!

Shannon, this is perfect.

I never see you in the middle of the day.

I'm not an Uber, Newton.

And I'm not a paying customer.

I just need to ride to school.

Shouldn't you be at school already?

Yeah, and mom's gonna kill me

if she finds out I played hooky again.

That really sounds like a you problem.

I can do your homework for a week.

I'm in college.

You're not even good at 9th grade homework.

I can clean your room for a month.

I don't want you in my room.

Okay. How about this?

There's a truant officer chasing me down,

and since you already let me in the car,

you're an accomplice.

Cops? Are you kidding me?

You can't get another strike, right?

No Lowell with the sexy gentleman in Pike.

You know I don't date guys in Pike anymore.

- Let's go. - Uhn-mm.

Drive.

Newton!

Shannon, please, just drive!

What's with all this junk?

That was a birthday present from Dad.

It's pretty badass.

It's a kid's toy.

Unicorns can be badass.

You pretend that everything dad did was so awesome.

In dad's defense,

he was at the Strand opening day in the '90s.

That, that's respect for eternity.

You know, you need room in your brain

for things besides movies,

like fashion or parties or Greek life or girls.

I think my brain is like 90% movies,

5% (indistinct) and 5% pandas.

Pandas?

Our furry black and white brothers and sisters.

All I'm saying is you put too much faith in dad

and movies and pandas.

But, but the thing is movies are awesome.

Movies are why you're on the run from the cops

at 2:00 PM on a Tuesday.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, hi, officer.

License and registration, please.

Shannon.

Oh my God, it has been a while, huh?

Yeah, of course.

Way too long.

You remember me?

Of course, yeah, from that time.

Pete Barrett, we went to high school together.

Of course.

I was a senior when you were a freshman.

Oh, are, are you the one who tried to ask me to prom?

Yeah, I was in the Glee Club.

The Gleeks in the Sheets.

School allowed that name?

Look, Officer, I am so, so sorry

if I was going a few miles over the speed limit.

Oh no, Shannon, do not worry.

I'm actually here for this young man.

Principal Isaacs called.

Said you were absent again, hmm?

No call from mom or dad?

Look, Officer, I was actually bringing Newton

right back to school.

He had a doctor's appointment

and, you know, our mom,

she's just so busy working at the hospital.

Is that so?

Yeah, I, I mean,

Newton would never do anything stupid

like cut class to go to the movies.

Absolutely not.

He has a medical condition.

Right.

But now that the doctors

have removed his head from his ass,

I don't think he'll be missing any more school.

Definitely not.

Wait, what?

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize, Newton,

that you suffered from psychoglutiosis.

That's, that's a serious condition.

Anyway, I was just bringing him back,

and I'm sure he's not gonna miss any more school.

Well, then let's get you two on your way, huh?

Hang on.

Um, actually, Shannon,

I think I'm gonna need you to step out of the car.

What?

Or should I say Penelope?

Look, we'll be a lot more forgiving

if you just tell us where you got it.

It was just some random guy in town.

I never met him in person, I promise.

Of course not.

Look, you can't hold us here.

Having a fake ID isn't like a felony.

Actually, yeah, it is.

Seriously?

Wait, that means she can't vote or go to NBA games?

Hey, no more sass out of you, Bucko.

All right?

Now I don't know what they're teaching you.

Those good for nothings on the Disney Channel,

but newsflash, cutting class is not hip.

Okay, you're not even a real cop.

I am so a real cop.

I mean, in the 4th grade

when we would play cops and robbers,

I was a cop at least 85% of the time.

That doesn't qualify you to be a cop.

I watch "Die Hard" every Christmas with my mother

who I should say hates workplace violence.

You're so not a cop.

I eat donuts constantly.

The "Law and Order" theme is my ringtone.

And it's ridiculous that I even have to say this,

but I even have a badge.

Okay, well, it's, I don't have it on me at the moment,

but I do have one.

Is this it?

Okay, you just gimme.

Try not to delinquentify the area.

I'll be right back.

Who's that?

Cornelius Isaacs,

new principal at the high school.

He's even scarier

than Darth Vader, Biff Tannen, Regina George combined.

Well after that, a chase ensued.

A chase? He's a child.

Everyone talks trash about him at the school.

I won't say what they call him,

but it rhymes with smooshbag.

It's a, it is a fast scooter

and he knows the streets very well.

Gross.

Trio of evil alert.

I repeat, trio of evil alert.