Rivals

And we're live in five, four…

- Three… - …two…

Uncensored.

Welcome to the naughtiest show on television.

Coming to you live from Corinium Studios.

Uncensored.

Tonight, we'll be bringing you the stories they don't want you to hear.

We name the breakfast television presenter

who's been staying up late with ladies of the night.

And as rumours circulate about a famous pop star's homosexuality,

our celebrity panel wonders who are the poofs of pop?

But first, love and prayers from everyone at Corinium

for our beloved leader, Lord Baddingham.

Fuck you!

Everyone at Corinium has been shocked and saddened by his tragic accident.

Lord Baddingham, Tony, wasn't just our boss.

- He was our family. - Mm-hmm.

What's happened?

But it takes more than a little bump to the head

to keep Tony Baddingham down.

Help me.

- Stop doing that! - Yeah, open this.

- I'll put this gently on the seat. - Well, just hold it closely.

- Look, Caitlin... - Wait.

How long is this drive?

Oh, my God!

Look at the size of this place.

Welcome to Bella Vista.

Val's had her eye on this since we moved to Green Lawns.

It's nice though, being right here in Penscombe near Rupert and you lot.

We brought our swimming costumes.

Ah. Well, Val's got some rules.

No running, pushing, ducking, bombing or skinny dipping.

What about heavy petting?

Go for your life, as long as keep your cossies on.

Baby!

Come on!

- Whoo! Let's go! - Here they are.

I invited the polo team round for some swimming.

Whoo!

Val's turned it into a bloody circus.

You all right, lads?

Right, get out.

- Freddie! - Freddie!

That's Sebbie and Dommie Carlisle. People call them the heavenly twins.

- Although they're not identical. - Come on!

Sebbie's taller and apparently Dommie's got a bigger willy.

Look at this!

Where's the pool, Mr Jones?

Follow me.

Hi.

Welcome to Bella Vista!

We called it Bella Vista because it means "nice view".

It's so wonderful to be able to stand

at the bottom of one's drive and not be able to see one's house.

Right, if you'd like to go through. Shoes off everyone, please!

Get in there, you bastard. Come on.

Who's the heavenly girl?

One of Bas's stick chicks.

I tell you what, Patrick. They only let beautiful people play polo.

Why'd they let you play then?

I'm the pat-ron of the Jones Jets.

- Pat-ron? - It's how polo people say it.

Yeah, I just give 'em a load of money to sponsor the team

then they stick me on a pony

and they set me up to score goals and look good.

We're finally where we belong, aren't we, Fred-Fred?

Shall we?

Taggie. Did you make all these?

Uh… Yes.

Mmm. Mmm.

Prick me with a fork. I'm done.

Right, gents.

Venturer meeting. Jacuzzi.

Let's talk polo.

Lovely!

It's our first chance of making TV.

We're gonna film the match, flog the footage to the BBC,

and show everyone that Venturer can cover sport.

Do people really want to watch polo?

I love watching polo.

It's the Rutshire Cup, Wes.

Yes, it's been held on the estate since 1874.

- You sure you want me on telly on a horse? - Pony.

- What? - Anyway,

with no bloody Rupert, our team's a man down.

Still no word from him or Cameron?

Not even a bloody phone call.

It's pandemonium at Corinium.

No Cameron, Tony's still off work after his accident.

I-I'm in charge of everything.

But you're Venturer. What?

I'm double-agenting, Henry, remember?

Oh, yes! Sorry, Charles.

I hate to admit it, but I was under the impression

that we had already won the franchise, huh?

We won the right to compete against Corinium.

Jesus, Henry.

It's a good thing I'm hiring proper staff.

The Prime Minister's really quite ticked off.

The general election's days away and nobody has heard from him.

Stop it. Last time Rupert got himself lost in a sex marathon,

he didn't come up for air for a month.

Devilled egg, your holiness?

Thank you.

Lady Hampshire?

- Why not, Mrs Jones? Thank you. - Oh, no,

please, call me Mousie.

Oh, have we told you that Wayne is starting Eton in September?

We're very proud of him.

How did he get in? Did Freddie donate a computer lab?

Don't.

Well, no, he passed the exam.

No!

Chocks away!

Water polo!

- Willies! - Fred-Fred, do something.

Patrick!

Neil Kinnock, Neil Kinnock, Neil Kinnock.

Whoo-hoo!

Geronimo!

- Ew! - I said no skinny dipping!

I really didn't want to see my brother completely naked,

but I saw the Carlisle twins' bits, so I'm taking that as a win.

I thought Sebbie's willy was nicer.

Have you still not heard anything more from your Seb, Tag?

Oh, he was never my Seb.

His letter was lovely and his new job sounds amazing.

He dumped you in a letter? The shame!

Have you heard from Cameron since she's been off shagging Rupert? Dipstick.

Tag? What's the matter?

Um…

Rupert kissed me.

- Fucking fuck! - What?

- Where? - Uh, in the kitchen.

No, I meant, where did he kiss you?

Oh, uh, on the mouth.

Yeah, he said such lovely things

and then the next day, he just disappeared.

Oh, Tag.

He said he couldn't breathe without me.

I just don't believe he would say that and then just disappear.

Doesn't make sense.

Something awful must have happened.

Thank you.

Plenty more where that came from.

No, I mean bringing me here. Keeping me safe.

Well, it's just good manners.

Rupert, be serious for a moment.

I promised I would protect you and I will.

So you hide me here forever?

Well, we don't have to stay in Devon.

I've friends all over the world.

We'll keep moving.

Stay ahead of the game.

Stay ahead of the game.

You're fine and fit. Take it steady though. Well done.

You're doing really well, Dad.

- We thought you were dead. - Don't be daft, Camilla.

- Daddy's invincible. - Thank you, Beatrice.

Have you packed your belongings for school?

The car will be waiting to take you back, girls.

Archie, you'll go by train.

Listen to your mother.

- I should take the car. - Thank you, darling.

But you took the car last time.

You really don't remember anything?

No. Like I told the police, it's a complete blank.

It's extraordinary, innit?

- These fields… - That's very kind of you.

- …will run with your blood… - Thanks for your concern.

…before you ever mow again.

Yes, it's certainly very nice to be home.

I know, I know, I know. Quite the end-of-series cliffhanger.

And Four Men Went to Mow will return in the autumn.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Yes, it's splendid to be back home with the family.

You too, Lady Gosling. Thank you. Goodnight.

You should be heading up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire, Tony.

I'll redress your wound for you.

Let me lock up down here.

No cigars.

Come on, dogs.

I didn't clean it.

Do you think she's gone back to America?

She's gone to Rupert Campbell-Black.

Hunt the bitch down.

From the moment he met Maud, he was infatuated.

Words started pouring out of him.

Everything he ever wrote was for her.

This hugely magnetic woman who constantly rejected him.

Anyone would think this was your biography, Declan.

That's why it has to be me who tells the Yeats story.

I mean, documentaries are normally so dry.

- No of fence, Mike. - Nah.

Maud Gonne married someone else just to get a rise out of Yeats.

What does Yeats do?

Tries to seduce her daughter.

Sounds like EastEnders .