Corporate

Hey, Matt.

Got your email with the report. Thanks so much for sending.

Question: did you CC John on that?

Uh, yes. I believe I did.

Oh, that's interesting, 'cause I'm looking

at that email right now, and you didn't.

Oh.

You BCC'd me.

Oh. Uh...

You still got the email then, right?

- I did. - Look.

I know you're new around here, so I just want to

make sure that you understand the email protocol.

You always CC both John and I on all work emails,

'cause if you BCC him, then I can't check

to make sure that you CC'd him, hmm?

Got it.

- I made a mistake. - Great.

Question: why did you make that mistake?

Um...

I guess I'm a little tired this morning.

- Aww, gosh. - Uh-huh.

Why are you so tired?

I have anxiety that sometimes keeps me up at night.

What causes this anxiety?

I guess sometimes I feel like this can be

sort of a confrontational work environment.

Hey, bud, Hampton DeVille encourages

aggressive confrontational criticism.

Why don't you like confrontation?

Defend your position.

Oh. Uh...

No, I mean, I think confrontation is a good thing.

It's just sometimes confrontation

hurts my job performance

and damages my personal wellbeing.

Uh-oh; well, if you can't

manage your emotions, Matt,

what makes you think you're qualified

to manage people at this company?

Honestly, I don't know.

Oh.

I never really saw myself here.

I mean, after college, I volunteered for a program

teaching underprivileged kids because I wanted to help people,

but then one of the students stabbed me,

and the school was pretty dirty

and I just realized I wasn't cut out for it.

So I moved back in with my parents,

which, I'm pretty sure led to them getting a divorce,

because that's what they told me happened.

Then I worked a series of jobs that eventually landed me here,

where I'm just a cog

in a soulless corporate machine, and I'm not...

Okay, well, just make sure that you CC

both John and I on all work emails.

It's a simple mistake,

but it's just important to follow protocol.

Yes.

Jake, question:

why do you think it's okay

to come in to work with your shirt untucked?

Because life is meaningless, and nothing we do matters.

Okay, great.

- Have a great day, you two. - Thanks, guys.

Hampton DeVille has emerged as one of the largest,

most profitable corporations in the world,

with over 300,000 employees internationally,

their footprint stretches across the globe.

Under the leadership of their CEO Christian DeVille,

they've become market leaders in everything

from agricultural goods to pharmaceuticals,

from household appliances to industrial weaponry.

You've probably heard their slogan.

Hampton DeVille: we make everything.

But now they are attempting to muscle their way

up the highly competitive tech industry.

Today marks the launch of the Obelisk,

Hampton DeVille's touch screen tablet

which boasts a screen

eight times the size of the iPad.

But that launch may be in jeopardy

after an insensitive tweet was sent out

from Hampton DeVille's twitter account earlier today.

As Hurricane Letisha continues to devastate the Gulf Coast,

Hampton DeVille tweeted,

"Was your house blown away by Hurricane Letisha?

"Pick up the Obelisk to follow hurricane news.

You'll be blown away by the size."

In response to the offensive tweet,

the Internet is calling for a boycott of the Obelisk.

Do you think we're gonna get to eat anything today?

Don't count on it.

There's a rigid food hierarchy here.

Executives get first pick, then junior executives,

then us, the junior executives in training.

$500 billion corporation.

and they never have enough bagels for everyone.

Why didn't you eat breakfast before work?

I didn't have time.

I hit the snooze button 15 times this morning,

which is a new record that I'm actually kind of proud of.

Did you eat anything?

No.

I'm trying to watch my figure.

I want to have a hot body

'cause I'm tired of developing my personality.

Yeah, I've been there.

Yum.

I love eclairs.

Oh, my God. This is so good.

I'm gonna take two.

Aggressive.

Confident.

I like that you're not afraid to take what you want.

Damn it. There's only two bagels left.

Whoa, have you seen this tweet the company sent out?

The Internet is freaking out about it.

"You'll be blown away by the size"?

Jesus Christ.

We're living inside of a nightmare.

Why in the

is everyone standing around eating bagels

while we are being crucified on the Internet?

Spit out those bagels! We have work to do!

No!

Sorry.

Everyone in this room,

look to your left.

Now...

look to your right.

100% of those people

are ruining my day.

Look, that one over there's still good.

I'm gonna get it after the meeting.

Yeah, but there's no cream cheese.

On the wall over there.

Into developing the Obelisk,

and now its success is being threatened

by a tweet.

you.

I wish I could be more like Christian.

Why? He acts like a complete psychopath

and nobody stands up to him.

Exactly.

He fought his way to the top,

and now he gets to treat people

like they're his personal service dogs.

If I ever get to the top, I'm gonna at least

make sure everyone gets a goddamn bagel.

Don't worry.

You'll be corrupted by power.

That's part of growing up.

I want to tell you a story.

It's about a shepherd.

One day, he lost his entire flock.

I mean, every single sheep took off

except one.

So there he is, out in the middle

of this open field with just one sheep,

and what do you think he did?

He pulled out a gun, and he blew its brains out.

Then he went out and got himself a real job,

because being a shepherd

pays shit.

Well, people, that ain't me.

Because we are in cattle country,

and I am Ben Cartwright,

and this is "Bonanza!"

So how bad is this?

We ran the numbers, and more people are outraged

about the tweet than they are about the hurricane.

Comparatively, people like the hurricane

more than they like the tweet.

Jesus Christ.

We have got to distract people from this tweet.

So what are our options?

Can we start a different hurricane?

Have we finished building that hurricane machine yet?

Uh...

Sir, I...

I believe I speak for everyone...

Bruce?

When I say we thought you were joking

when you asked us to do that.

I would never joke about hurricanes.

That's what got us into this mess.

Does it ever bother you

that the corporation we work for is, like, evil?

Every corporation is evil.

- At least we get health benefits. - Yeah.

Wait. You get health benefits?

Sir,

they're turning you into a meme on the Internet.

We'll see who has a small penis

once I have my hurricane machine.

And you two need to find out who wrote that tweet and fire them.

We're on top of it, sir.

We will handle it personally.

You two need to find out