Taskmaster

Ah! Nnh, spla! Ooh!

Is this a joke?

Yeah!

Hmm. Oh!

Oh, I like that!

Wow! Hmm.

Hello! Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies and I've been Taskmaster for some time now,

and sometimes children stop me in the street

and they say, "Why are you so mean?"

And I always smile and I reply,

"Why are you talking to me? You don't know me.

"Where are your parents anyway? What are you, feral?

"Look at me. Look at me, are you crying now, are you?

"Good, get your mum.

"Get your mum and I'll tell her the same.

"I'm not scared of your mum."

So, let's meet the in-studio children

desperate for Daddy's approval.

They are Alan Davies, Desiree Burch,

Guz Khan, Morgana Robinson

and Victoria Coren Mitchell.

And sitting next to me, a man who once drunkenly told me

that when it comes to childcare,

he doesn't think his wife Rachel pulls her weight.

It's... little Alex Horne!

Might be the worst one, I think.

How are you? I'm all right. I'm very calm.

Oh, good, why are you so calm?

I've started meditating.

I'm listening to some motivational confidence-boosting music.

Can I hear it?

It's quite personal. Let's have a listen.

I don't know if this will work.

Cos he's just a man called Greg

He's just a man called Greg

He's just a man called Greg He's just a man called Greg

He's just a man called Greg

He's just a man called Greg He's just a man called Greg

You'll be the Taskmaster soon...

That's all there is, that's all there is.

You may well end up being the Taskmaster soon,

but I promise you this, there is only one way that will happen

and I will have to die.

Good, right, what have we got for the prize task this week?

Well, Greg, you've asked them

to bring in the best thing that has quite a few layers.

Ooh, five points will be awarded

for the best thing with quite a few layers

and the winner of the episode will go home

all layered up like the thick leg of an Arctic explorer

all wrapped up in lovely thermals

from one of those outdoor equipment shops. Right. Victoria. Yes.

What's the thing you've brought in with lots of layers?

A poultry farmer. Oh.

Here it is. OK, little toy poultry farmer with lots of chickens.

Oh, layers! Layers. Oh. Very punny.

It's, it's a joke.

It's a pun, and I love jokes. And the joke is... Layers.

Yeah, chickens lay eggs. Egg-zactly! Yeah. They lay.

Oh, you were waiting for that setup.

Yeah. And that's just got more points.

I assumed you liked humour!

Let's be absolutely clear, it is a joke. OK.

Where's a thing with a lot of layers? Here, because they lay eggs.

Da-da! It's a joke. I thank you, I've decided. OK. Desiree.

What I brought in is a Nilla wafer pudding.

Uh, it is a banana pudding with these vanilla wafers.

It's one of those things that's like my mom used to make.

It's like, you know, like, moms have a recipe

that has, like, some martyrdom inside

and it makes it taste extra good? I don't know how to do that.

So I made my version and I hope you like it.

Here is her Nilla cake.

Mums have martyrdom inside?

Yes, they have this sainthood of being like,

"You ruined my vagina and my life.

"Everything I will make you will taste amazing

"because you can never achieve this level of sainthood."

I've never sensed that in my mum's cooking.

Guz. Hello. I mean, you're gonna crash straight ahead of these two,

I know it. What have you bought in that's got layers?

I bought a load of my jackets

and I put as many as humanly possible on Alex.

Here I am in all his coats.

And let me explain why and justify why I did this, OK? Uh...

Please justify, because I can feel these people

moving forward on their seats.

What I would argue is that this show, and possibly your role...

Yeah... wouldn't be what it is without him.

Yeah. And therefore, him, in all my coats...

Can I tell you? Yeah.

You've just blown it.

Pudding's looking real tasty right now, huh? Yeah. Man.

If someone could tell me a joke

while I was filling my face full of that pudding...

Morgana. Vegetable lasagne.

Vegetable lasagne. Here it is. Right.

Not even one that looks nice.

I like to eat mine in the dark. OK?

It's creamy, it's comforting. Jesus.

It's delicious. There's no meat in it because I'm saving the planet.

Yeah. Sometimes the things that look the worst taste scrumptious.

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

I've been saying that for years. It's rubbish. Good. Alan.

Uh, I have brought in a wig which was made in the '90s

for a double of me. Here is the wig. My God!

That really was an absolute replica of what,

what I looked like in about 1997. Has it got layers?

It definitely has got layers. And layers, according to Cosmopolitan,

will make your hair more full and swingy

and leave you with tresses that beg to be touched.

Wow.

Ready?

Ready. Yes. OK, I'm gonna give one point... Right.

..to Morgana's lasagne, because it was rubbish. Hmm. I'm one?!

I'm gonna give twice as many points to Victoria's joke,

and I want you to reflect on that.

I'm giving three points to Guz

because you spoke positively about Alex, and I don't like him.

I'm giving four points to you

because the banana layered cake looked delicious

and I feel sorry for what you did to your mum. Yeah.

And finally, just to annoy everybody,

I'm giving a man who found an old wig in his attic five points.

That's Taskmaster and if you don't like it, tough shit!

Five points to Alan Davies. Tweet, tweet as much as you like.

@ me!

Five points to Alan Davies. Outrageous.

Right, come on, let's get going.

Yes, well, slow down, speed demon.

Let's just take it nice and easy, reduce the pace and have a race.

Oh!

Hello. Hi, Guz. You all right?

"Complete the course as slowly as possible."

I need a wee.

"You must be riding the bicycle forwards

"within the limits of the course at all times."

"Every time you put a foot on the ground,

"the clock will be paused and your final time will be halved."

That is not very nice.

"If you leave the course or miss an instruction,

"your time will also be halved

"and the clock will be paused until you are back in position."

"Slowest wins."

"Your time starts when Alex fires his starter's pistol

"in five minutes from now."

Alex, is there anything really basic that you don't know how to do?

What can't you do, Victoria?

I never really learned to ride a bicycle. Ah.

OK, so... Burst the red water balloon in this bucket.

Are you joking? I have to do something as well as riding a bike?

Where is he? Take the hat from the mannequin

and put it on the other mannequin. Fun times.

Ah, read the letter. On a bicycle.

Are you good at cycling?

Well, I mean, I can cycle.

How hard can this be?

You don't have one with stabilisers, I suppose? No.

I mean, I've seen it done.

It's not like... agh! OK.

Agh! Is it literally...

how long have I got to learn to ride a bike, a minute?

One minute. One minute.

Aah! But how do you make it stop?

Shit!

Argh! How are you feeling?

Ugh, like I've just been high-beamed in the crotch, really.

Well, we can already see that all five of our mighty contestants

are going to be hilarious doing this.

There is one attempt that I am looking forward to

more than the others.

Can you guess who it is? Yeah.

Do you know what, the thing is, I'm now feeling quite liberated.

Hang on a minute, before you go off on one,

let me ask you a direct question. Yes.

Why can't you ride a bike?

I just, I don't know.

We were in central London.

There was a lot of traffic.

I never, I never had a bike.

I mean, the fact that you're prepared to have a go at it is...

Yeah. Delicious.

And can I just check you're happy with the phrase

"High-beamed in the crotch?"

I was more than happy with "High-beamed in the crotch."

Did you have a choice of bike?

Yes, but that other bike is too small.

I'm gonna look like a bear in a circus trying to do that thing.

And so I just had to take the man's bike.

Right, let's go.

OK, well, first of all, we're going to see Alan, Desiree and Morgana.

On your marks, get set, slow.

OK, good luck, Alan.

Good luck, Morgana. Thank you.

Good luck, Desiree. Jesus.

Your time starts... task.

This is going way too fast.

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh.

Argh!