The Shakedown

Jesus, Dovi. I just killed a man.

Yeah... First kill is always a hard one.

Why? How many people have you killed?

None, actually. I'm a crook, not a murderer.

But I can imagine. The first time must feel terrible.

Fuck.

Okay, let's get to work with this...

Whoa, whoa, Dovi! What the fuck are you doing?

I'm cutting up the body, Justin.

You can't just chop him up right here in your office, Dovi.

I put a drop sheet down.

We gotta call the cops to sort this out.

You shot the guy in the face, boy.

Okay, that's gonna be a really tough one to explain.

It'll be as easy as cutting up a chicken. Eight pieces. No problem.

My name's Justin Diamond.

And you know what gets me up first thing every morning?

Besides for my amazing wife, Natz, and our two gorgeous kids.

Bye, love. Have a beautiful day.

It's the Bloom Prime Program.

It's a dynamic behaviour system that rewards you for living a healthy life.

It's simple, the healthier you are, the more points you get.

I know what you're thinking,

"I'm a high-powered businessman. How am I gonna find time to work out?"

Let me tell you a little secret.

All you need is 30,000 points a year to reach Gold Status... That's all.

And once you maintain that, three years in a row,

you reach Diamond Status.

And I'm 44 years old. I'm in the best goddamn shape of my life.

- Oops... whoopsie. - Aww.

Thank you. Thank you for that.

Yep. Family's everything, guys.

Everything.

Where were we?

First things first, you get yourself a smartwatch.

This is a Garmin fenix 7X. It's a beast. But any old smartwatch will do.

Don't ask me how much it is. Just don't even ask me.

It's twenty grand.

And when your watch tells you to move,

you move!

You do a star jump, then carry on with work.

Now, you don't have to be super active like me.

Just get your heart rate up in between meetings.

- Use the stairs instead of the lift. -

Do whatever you can, whenever you can.

I'm sure most of you don't know this,

but I had quite a setback earlier this year.

- Ow! - Tore my meniscus.

How much longer until I can get out there, Marika?

Losing points by the day.

You'll put pressure on the knee when I say you can. Okay?

That is why I'm working as hard as I can

to reach Diamond Status, ten years in a row.

Less people have walked on the moon.

But it's not just about the points, it's about changing your life.

It's a badge of honour. The blue tick on Instagram.

That Bentley in the third garage. It's that Gucci handbag.

And it's in everybody's reach!

- Signing up to the Prime Program? - Yes, chef!

You just have to grab it!

So, who's ready to change their lives?

Who's ready to join this family?

Never stop bouncing me!

No, no, no, believe me,

it's my daughter's bat mitzvah, I want you to over-cater.

- - Yep.

- My heart rate was up to 185. - Wow!

- That's a clean 300 points. - That's so good.

All right. Thanks, Merle. Okay, bye now.

- So, it sounds like a big party, hey? - Oof, it is.

I had to put down 200k deposit for the catering alone.

Well, maybe when it's all over and you're a little bit less stressed,

we can shoot to my parents' house for the weekend, you know?

Just chill a bit. It's, like, just in Hermanus.

And they're so excited to meet you.

Marika...

Are you talking to people about us?

No?

Oh, my God.

No! No.

Like, you know, just, um...

like my parents, and, you know, some close friends,

and Kim, but I'm not talking to her anymore...

Are you fucking insane?

Why?

Okay...

Okay, okay, okay...

I think we need to end whatever this is, right now.

Okay? It was only supposed to be a bit of fun. And it was fun.

But...

Fuck.

But I thought we were, like, an item?

I'm sorry...

You okay? Okay.

Okay... Bye, now.

- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! -

- -

This is so lame.

We stand here and we greet the guests, Rya. It's good manners.

Ezra, off the iPad, please, boy.

Ezzie, please, Daddy said off the iPad, now.

Oh, my God. I hope I look okay. Is this outfit trying too hard?

Oh, babes, come on. You look like a million bucks.

Nobody's gonna show up. They're all going to Zara's bat mitzvah instead of mine.

Zara's mother should know better than to clash with Team Diamond.

Oh, my God, Mom, stop saying "Team Diamond".

- It's so lame. - I'm sure they'll come to both, sweetie.

Mazel tov, guys. Oh, you look so stunning.

So do you.

- Mazel tov. - Thanks, Steve.

Oh, my God. Did you hear what happened to the Solomons last night?

What happened?

That Blue Beanie gang? The one that's literally been terrorising Fresnaye...

- cleaned them out. - Oh, my God. Are they okay?

They're in Plett, thank God.

But, they took everything. Krugerrands, jewellery, Shirley's designer handbags.

That is so terrible.

Thank God you're here.

Rya, where are you going?

Ezra? Oh, my God.

Thanks for coming, guys.

Grab Merle's devilled eggs while you still can.

There's my boy.

- Hi, Ma. - Hmm.

Hi, Hazel. You look so stunning.

Thanks, Natz. I got it at Martine's.

Thought you'd message when you ready? I didn't know you knew how to uber.

Your brother picked me up.

Ma, don't tell me you brought Dovi.

Jus...

Mazels, my boy. Hey?

- Natz. - Hi, Dovi.

How are you?

So, what, you just decided to show up?

I told him to come. He's your brother. And today is a special day.

Yeah, my invite must have got lost in the mail, hey?

But there's no ways I would miss this milestone. Never.

- Natz, you look stunning. - Thanks, Dovi.

Did you hear about the Blue Beanie gang?

Listen to your wife, boy.

She hears about a crime, she thinks I'm an expert.

Listen, Natz, chas ve-chalila they should come here,

but they're small-time criminals. Nothing to worry about.

- Okay. - Where's the bat mitzvah girl?

Ah!

Oh, my God.

Mom...

What were you thinking bringing Dovi here, Ma?

He is your brother and it is disgusting that you didn't invite him.

Believe you me, life is too short for faribels .

I'm not faribeled . He's a crook. I have a reputation.

- A diamond necklace. - Enjoy it, my girl.

- Thank you, Uncle Dovi. -

Oh! Rabbi Horowitz.

- Lovely to see you. - Dovi, what a wonderful surprise.

You know, I've been thinking about signing up to shul.

I haven't been a member since my old man took us.

Well, your father was an absolute mensch.

A real pillar of the community.

Unfortunately, there's rather a long waiting list at the moment,

you know, what with Rosh Hashanah and everything coming up.

- Is that right, hey? - Everything all right here, Rabbi?

Yes, Justin. I was just, uh, getting set up for the ceremony.

Great idea. Great, this way.

Dovi, just don't talk to the rabbi.

That gambling degenerate? He knows I'm onto him.

Gambling degenerate? The head of the Sea Point community.

Doesn't mean he's not at the bookies once a week.

I've seen him there, boet . He wears a cap, what a doos .

Recognise that scraggly beard miles away.

Okay, Dovi. Listen...

I know we haven't seen each other in a while, but I really would love it

if you just kept a low profile today.

What? Embarrassed by your big brother?

I just really need things to go well.

Okay. Nobody's causing a scene, boy.

Noogie!

Jeez, man. What the hell, dude?

I was just having some fun, man.

Justin...

your mother is decimating my buffet table.

Justin! I didn't know that Dovi Diamond was a relation?

Oh, he's not.

- Ma, Ma, Ma. What are you doing? - Yes?

You know how your father loves his cheesecake.

Okay, okay, Ma. Sorry.

Dad's been dead... twenty-five years. It's 2024.

Yeah.

Michelle!

Please help my mom to the kitchen. Thank you.

- Come, Auntie Haze. Come on. - Thank you. There you go.

- Oh, and, uh... pills. - Okay.

- Come. Let's go inside, come on. - But I want another Tupperware.

Mazels for Rya. Everything looks stunning.

Thanks.

But I mean, have you... have you had something done?

Did you like... Have you lost weight? I mean, what is happening?

I do have something new I'm doing, but if you want to know more...

let's meet for a coffee.

Okay? Is it like...