Clocking The T

What's going on? You just wake up?

It's ten o'clock already.

Yeah, no, I was going to bed.

Ninjas don't work during the day.

You know who this is?

Uh, no, who is it?

You never got a call?

Call from who?

Right. I'm Bill Stanfield.

I'm an EVP in the theatrical advertising wing over at...

Oh no, yeah.

Sarah did call about that... maybe... um...

You're the movie guy, right?

I'm the guy.

You seen 'Triple Helix?' The comic book movie?

- Yeah. - You know that movie?

- Yeah. - You like it?

- Yeah, yeah— - I really don't care.

We're making a sequel this summer.

We got a problem. The movie got out.

We don't know how but there's a torrent.

People are downloading it now.

Oh man, how'd that happen?

Don't know that yet. The FBI's involved.

- The FBI? - Well, it's a big deal.

Sarah said you were the guy

who could help us redirect any negative buzz.

I am the guy.

Well, we have a real shit storm brewing over here.

Every geek in the world is gonna want to

watch this rough cut and start throwing tomatoes.

So, we need somebody to u-turn the anticipointment.

Well, that's what we do.

Anybody posts a negative about our clients

we hit them back faster than a two-pump chump.

Perfect!

She said you did some work for...

I can't tell you that, man.

I need you to tell me something.

She just gave me this number.

I... I don't even know where you're at.

Well, it's a security issue, really.

I mean, this facility has a lot of, uh

sensitive data on hard drives, so...

I mean, you wouldn't want me to tell the next caller

about what we're doing for you, right?

Tell 'em who you are?

That is an emphatic fuck no.

'Kay. So this is how this works.

We had some people on it.

What people?

Coffee getting people.

Epic fail, right?

Yeah. Epic fail, right.

I don't know what they were thinking.

How do you do it?

My secret is that we make every post count.

We make every post count because we do not get coffee.

I mean, all you have to do is pull the trigger

and walk away in slow motion.

All right. What's my buy in? How do I know if this works?

Hello?

- Hello? - You hear that?

That's silence.

That's when you know you've won.

He's gonna pay us $35 grand for just six weeks of work?

Ho, ho, ho! I'm shittin' sunshine here!

Yeah, well, you better be shitting 500 posts a day.

No problem. DAVE: I mean, we gotta gas every one of these threads

so people still buy a ticket next month.

Damn dude, you landed a whale!

Looks like it was posted four days ago.

Check this, it's seeding everywhere.

Wait... this hasn't hit the news yet?

He said it's going to hit the news tonight

or tomorrow, so, uh

that's when the real fun starts, boys.

Wow, these fan forums are blowing up.

Everybody who's seen it says it's a turd.

Oh man, this is one of their coffee guys

“dowhatsright: Downloading this movie is why you have runaway production.”

- Wow! - That is some bush league planting!

No wonder they're getting pulled out and scalped.

It's like watching a clown give a kid a concrete balloon.

And the kid's staring at a wall.

Dave, check your shirt, dude.

Let's talk schedules.

I can handle all my heavy lifting at night.

Me too, I have nights.

You mean days?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nights.

And Dave, you're working all day long.

Fuck me... ROB: No, fuck you.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh...

- I'm gonna get a cup. - Uh huh.

Can I get a coffee, but with half honey,

half aspartame, and half that syrup stuff?

You guys draw on the foam? Can you do it with caramel?

Yeah, there's a StarCups up the block.

Oh yeah, no. Can I get a chocolate milk instead?

Yeah, thank you.

Huh...

Sorry. Work.

- Busy guy? - Uh yeah...

And my battery's almost out, so, uh... Ah, I hate that.

Yeah, it's uh, it's... Oh, is that the dog?

Yeah! That's my dog.

You're not one of those people who, like,

you let your dog lick your face, are you?

Why? You don't like that?

No.

It's just a little lick.

It's not the only place they lick.

'Mmm, yeah, yeah, my battery is dying.'

You know what would make your phone last longer?

Turning it the fuck off!

OH MY GOD, YOU ARE 70 YEARS OLD!

YOU'RE GONNA DIE IN TRAFFIC?

DIE ON THE PEDAL ALREADY!

JUST GO!

GO!

Curtis! More Band-Aids to the drop off station.

Ow!

So, how'd it go?

Why do old people drive so slow?

Aren't they going to die soon?

If I was older I'd like to get there faster

because I don't have a lot of time left!

No. I meant the guy.

You didn't pick up the call.

I'm making the 'gag me' motion. Right now.

I'm sorry.

You need to process Joaquin.

Let him go today.

What happened?

His supervisor told him to do something

and he asked questions.

Hola, presucia.

Good morning.

Then we're done here?

Hm-hmm.

So what happened with that guy?

Ugh. I don't want to talk about it.

He needed the job. I couldn't help him.

And then he told me to fuck off.

No, the guy.

- The guy...? - Yeah. Today.

- Oh, 'the guy.' - Yeah!

No. I passed on that application.

I don't hire people that show up to an interview without a shirt on.

I shouldn't have even met a guy named Dave.

It's a loser name.

- It is? - Oh, yeah.

Anybody I've ever met named Dave has been bad news.

Debbie's too.

- You know what? You're right. - Mm-hmm.

Steve's suck.

Steve's do suck!

You know what? I dated this guy named Steve once.

And he... sent me a picture of his junk.

- Oh... - Yeah. Yeah.

Disgusting. I told him that.

And then he told me

I was hostile to him being emotionally open.'

Well, since we're being honest here.

That's a nicer dick than the ones they send me.

- Look at that one. - Oh! Ooh!

Agh! Ugh!

- Come on! - Looks like a leopard!

I don't want to look at that!

No! No!

Anyway, after that I called him 'Mr. X-Rated.'

And then there was 'Pompous And Cheapskate.'

You know, he would go on and on at dinner

until I had to pick up the check.

I dated this one guy that every time we kissed, he cried.

Turns out he was cheatin' on his girlfriend.

I call him 'The Piece Of Shit.'

See, I have a 'No List' for a reason.

So I don't end up wearing a muumuu

and putting curlers in my bangs, you know.

I'm gonna wait for the next sale.

And a better coupon.

- Are you waiting on Bill? - Yeah.

He said this morning?

- Yeah. - Well, he's not here.

He had another appointment.

Can I ask what it was about?

No. Just-just call him?

Wait here.

Fuck me.

Hmm...

Hmm...

On your profile it says you did internet stuff.

I thought you meant websites.

Well, uh, no. I'm an astroturfer.

What is that? You go online and call other people efftards?

- Efftards? - You know what that means?