The Millers

Okay, how do we look?

Ooh, cute.

I'm an evil scientist

and Debbie's my lab rat.

He's disregarding my rights as one of god's creatures

by growing human parts on my back.

Grandpa, let's make the scariest pumpkin

in the whole neighborhood.

Ooh, that's a tall order.

What we'll need is some inspiration.

Think of the meanest, most terrifying,

hateful monster that you could possibly imagine.

Happy Halloween!

Hello, pumpkin.

Hey, uh, hope you don't mind. I just need to borrow a costume.

Every drugstore between our house and here is sold out.

I warned him all week

not to wait till the last minute.

He's always last-minute shopping for the holidays.

Which is why last Christmas I got breath mints,

the wrong razor blades, and "The Bodyguard" on DVD.

Nathan, just admit you were wrong

and should've shopped earlier.

No! I... You know what? I tell you who's wrong.

Is my my boss who makes reporters wear costumes on air.

If your station's been doing costumes for years,

then you should've known...

Okay, I was wrong! Can we let it go?

Take it from someone who was married to her.

She won't let it go. She likes to torture people.

She thought "Zero Dark Thirty" was a comedy.

Yeah, mom, it is annoying the way you always gloat about it

when one of us messes up, like when I failed

my driver's test

or when I burnt the Thanksgiving turkey

or when I married Adam.

A different Adam. Not your dad.

It is my duty as your mother to point out your shortcomings.

My criticisms help you build character.

The fact that I enjoy it simply makes it a win-win.

If it builds character to admit that you're wrong,

how come you never do it?

Oh, trust me, I would love to build some character.

I just never get a chance 'cause I'm never wrong.

Why is that funny?

Name a time I was wrong.

Nathan, think of a time.

What?

Yes, okay... Just...

Dad, think of a time.

Oh, well, she, uh...

Pass.

Oh, oh! Got it!

You misspelled my middle name on my birth certificate.

So, now instead of Nathan James,

I'm Nathan Jasem.

J-a-s-e-m.

Jasem.

Actually, that was me.

I was drunk.

Waiting rooms were different back then.

Whoo! Check out this old school French maid costume!

Carol, I'm proud of you, girl!

Actually, that was me. I was drunk.

Halloweens were different back then.

Go down to the basement

and get a few of my craft boxes.

I can make a costume out of anything.

When the Leesburg little theater did their version

of "A Few Good Men", I made 14 military costumes

out of tablecloths and bottle caps.

I even filled in once for the lead.

Ooh, I bet you made a hot Demi Moore, didn't you?

No, but I was a very inspiring Jack Nicholson.

- Oh! - People saluted me

at the grocery store for weeks.

Look who's here.

Artie!

I spotted this ogre and figured,

there must be a beautiful princess here in need of rescue.

Adam, you're the ogre.

Yeah, we got it.

You having chili? I like chili on Halloween.

Well, we have Mac and cheese.

Oh, that would be great

if I wasn't in the mood for chili.

What's the deal with Sir Lance-a-Little?

He's our annoying neighbor Artie.

His parents keep dumping him off here.

He's, like, this new breed of species: "cocky nerd."

They're popping up everywhere

now that schools have gotten rid of all the bullies.

Mikayla thinks he's funny

and she has a crush on him,

so we got to be super nice to him.

You know, we're afraid that if she knows

that Debbie and I don't like him,

that she's just gonna like him even more.

So just get rid of him.

When Mikayla's not looking,

take the best candy from her bag and plant it on him.

Even Taylor Swift wouldn't date a candy thief,

and she'll date anyone.

What? I read magazines.

Okay, mom, I would never frame a little kid.

Yeah, plus, if we get caught,

it's just gonna push them closer

to their wedding at Medieval times,

and I am not gonna let him ruin

Medieval times for me!

All right, mom,

found some glue, streamers,

and a bunch of old party hats.

You think you can do something with this?

The world's most handsome piñata.

The only way this would be more perfect

is if you were hanging from the ceiling.

I agree.

The Millers S01E05 "Giving the Bird"

Our sources indicate

they plan on charging him as an adult.

The Leesburg Police Department has also asked

that you no longer give kids the option of "trick."

I'm Nathan Miller

walking your safer but still spooky streets.

Nice work.

Uh-oh, you got a bogey at 4:00.

Whoa! No-no-no.

No, not a real piñata. Run along.

Come back!

You gotta be kidding me.

- Be nice. - Hey...

Hey, buddy, what seems to be the problem?

I'm tired, and all this trick- or-treating has given me

a great thirst. I need my goblet of grape juice.

Well, that's all the way back at the house.

To retrieve it, send your tallest man.

Listen, would you stop laughing? I'm not real!

There is so much free candy around here.

Why are you doing this?

Tyler, stop playing with that strange man!

Uncle Nate, will you take me to the house on the corner?

She keeps insisting on going up to the house on the corner.

I keep saying no because it's the house on the corner, Nathan.

The house...

on the corner...

Oh, my God, do you still think that a witch lives there?

No, I think a creepy woman lives there.

However, I was told she was a witch

by a person who has recently discovered

has never been wrong.

Mom did say that. She used to always say,

"Don't go near the house on the corner

'cause a witch lived there."

There is something she was wrong about!

- So, can we go? - Oh, we're going.

Ray, get your camera.

We need proof that mom was wrong.

Trick-or-treat!

Oh, look at you, so cute.

Oh, a compliment. How non-witchy of her, right?

Start filming.

Let me get some candy.

Come on in.

Not you, Blackie.

Blackie's an outside cat.

Oh, my goodness. (chuckles)

I thought we were gonna have a big problem just now.

Normally, I don't get any trick-or-treaters.

That's because everybody thinks you're a witch.

Mikayla! Sorry. She's just a child.

My only child!

A child who'd been fed two generations of misinformation,

because anybody who thinks

that... that you're a witch

is clearly wrong.

Oh, no, that's right. I'm a witch.

Well, technically, a Wiccan.

Great. Mom was right. She's a witch.

Okay, cut, and burn the tape.

I know I have some candy here somewhere.

Let me go check the kitchen.

Oh, my God! I was so close to proving mom wrong!

I even had the skywriting worked out in my head.

It was just gonna say, "ha!"

You gotta pay by the letter.

I'm gonna go load the truck up.

Take it easy, Blackie.

Awesome parrot!

Huh, look at that.

Kind of looks like my old bird Cappy.

You never told me you had a bird.

Yeah, when I was running for seventh-grade Class President,

I trained him to say, "Vote for Bebbie."

And then, right before the election,

someone left the window open and he flew away.

It was an accident, okay?!

I felt so bad that you lost the election,

I didn't even vote for myself for Prom King.

And yes, I won anyway, but you can't control the masses.