Corporate

As you all know, profits for Hampton DeVille

are at an all-time high.

Unfortunately, the well-being of our employees

is at an all-time low.

Let's take a look at the average Hampton DeVille employee.

The average life expectancy for a Hampton DeVille employee

is 57.1 years.

- They get 5.2 hours of sleep a night... - I'm so tired.

I wish I could be asleep all the time.

You just described death.

Hmm. Yeah, I guess I want to be dead.

I can't wait to die.

It sounds so relaxing.

The average employee is half man, half woman.

They have one testicle,

one breast, and half a vagina.

Every year, the average employee consumes

561 cups of coffee...

I feel nothing when I drink coffee.

Coffee is a scam.

Be an adult. Take an Adderall.

The average Hampton DeVille employee

strongly agrees with the following phrase.

"If I see a pill, I eat a pill."

They smoke 275 cigarettes annually,

97 marijuana cigarettes,

and due to some statistical outliers,

the average employee does heroin.

I would never do heroin.

Unless I was dying,

or someone just offered it to me.

I don't have a 401(K), so as of now,

my retirement plan is to overdose on drugs.

Smart.

The average employee

has 7.8 suicidal thoughts per day,

18 panic attacks a year,

and wonders once an hour, every hour,

why this is happening to them.

And that concludes my presentation

on how Hampton DeVille employees

cope with the pain of being alive.

Okay. Thank you, Grace.

Should we talk next steps?

First step: let us never speak of this again.

Yes, that's right.

That's really the only step.

You've heard of enhanced interrogation, right?

- Yeah. - Well, it's like that,

- but with acupuncture. - Ah.

I know a masseuse who does this amazing thing

where she wraps her hands around your neck

and just oh-so-subtly suffocates you.

- Is that Matt? - Oh, no.

Finding a dead body is one of my top 25 fears.

He has a neck pillow.

He died in his sleep.

Oh!

- Hi, Matt. - Oh, my...

- God! - Ah!

- John. - Ah!

- What? - What?

Matt, the fact that you have been sleeping in your car

means we have not been challenging you enough.

But that's about to change.

We need you to digitize

all the employee injury and death reports

from the past 50 years.

I'm gonna be honest with you,

it's an upsetting amount of work.

It sucks.

I'm sorry, but how does digitizing old files

fit into my job description?

I'm gonna lose my mind if I don't get my nap.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Wow, Matt. That sounds awful.

Almost as bad as having spinal surgery!

Because the chairs here

don't provide lumbar support!

But let's get back to how you're a victim.

Jake, buddy!

It is so good to see you back in the office, man.

The place wasn't the same without you.

I brought you these.

Wow, thanks, Baron.

I kind of thought you hated me

'cause you've said that to my face many times.

Uh, so anyway, um...

what'd they give you to manage the pain?

Must be some serious stuff.

They gave me hydrocodone, oxycodone,

lorazepam, Diazepam.

You know, I get, um,

uh, retinal pain from staring at screens all day,

so if you have any leftover pills,

remember who brought you flowers

when you were down and out...

and in need of a friend.

There's a Benji in the card.

Wow, that was pretty blatant.

I've been dealing with this all morning.

Turns out painkillers are pretty valuable currency.

Jake, heard about your back.

That sucks, man.

Quick question, though.

What kind of pills are you taking?

Hey, Jake.

- Hey, Jake. - Jake.

Jake!

Jim, buddy.

I am so sorry to hear about your back.

I can only imagine the pain you're in.

You are a hero.

What'd they give ya?

What was it, Norcos, Vals, Vics?

You are not supposed to take all of 'em.

That would be dangerous.

My carpal tunnel's been really acting up.

This weekend, I have to meet my mom's new boyfriend.

That's not good.

He used to be my boyfriend.

I'm just really bored.

I'm a drug addict.

I would be so grateful.

If you love me, you'll give me the pills.

I'll give you something; you give me something.

- I need the pills. - Just give them to me.

Please.

Don't act like you're the only one in pain!

And that would really help me out, man.

What's in it for me?

Is that a new suit?

Yeah, I got it from Hank in accounting.

His in-laws are visiting this weekend.

Is that a Kandinsky?

Here's another batch.

Well, now I really want to be dead.

Hi, Matt. You look like you're dying.

Thanks, Grace.

Jake.

Oh, hi, Grace.

Let me guess, you want to exploit our friendship

for some pain pills.

What? No.

I just brought you these balloons

because I care about you.

That's so sweet, Grace.

You're such a good person.

Yes. I am good.

, , .

God, I need a nap.

Matt, we know you need sleep,

- but we're counting on you. - You're young.

You're not allowed to sleep until you're dead.

I don't think employees are allowed to smoke in here.

What are you gonna do, fire me?

No, it's just that...

cigarettes are bad for you.

Cigarettes can't kill me.

Why not?

Because I'm a ghost!

Hey, Matt!

Ooh.

I thought you were dead, but turns out

you're just sleeping on the toilet,

which is somehow worse.

Good morning, Matt!

I'm gonna show you how I get through my day...

without falling asleep on the toilet.

John, how is waking up at 6:00 a.m.

to play basketball gonna help me?

- God. - Endorphins.

Intense physical activity

floods your brain with endorphins.

You don't need sleep

when you can trick your body into thinking

that you're constantly

- in a life-threatening situation. - John.

With endorphins,

you can power your way through any obstacle.

Oh!

Foul.

With adrenaline in your veins,

nothing can get in your way!

Oh, Jesus.

That's a goal-tend.

Okay, nothing can get in my way.

Gotcha!

Oh, gotcha, big man.

Let me get it!

You're a filthy, scumbag, dirty-ass...

- I get it. - Trifling player.

And you're always gonna be a dirty player.

Let's go!

With endorphins...

everything is possible!

Oh!

What?

How?

Ow!