The Millers

I'll take that, take that and I'll take that.

Ray, why is everybody giving you mo...?

Oh, my God, did you win the celebrity death pool?

Is Jason Bateman dead? Oh, no.

No.

Nah.

People are going in on a group wedding gift

for Andrew in accounting.

Wait a sec, and-and you're all invited?

Why... why wouldn't I be invited?

I'll tell you, but first,

could you grab me another creamer?

That's why you weren't invited.

Why, 'cause I got you the wrong creamer?

What are you, back on soy?

I thought you were worried about growing man-boobs.

No. I'm talking about poor Kevin.

You didn't even stop to say hi to him.

You just gave him a walk-n-wave.

It makes people think that you think

you're better than them.

Are you kidding?!

Come on, I don't think that I'm better than...

God, this is a terrible time not to remember his name.

And you just said it, too. Was it... was it creamer?

Mmm, mmm.

Look, if you want people to think differently,

you got to stop doing walk-n-waves

and start doing stop-n-chats.

What's a "stop-n-chat?"

What's it sound like?

You stop and chat.

Two questions, a joke and you're out of there.

Watch a pro.

Hey, Kevin! Big plans for the weekend?

Oh, probably just hang out at home,

work on my...

Deejaying.

You gonna watch the game?

Uh, yeah. On my new 65-inch flat-screen.

65 inches?!

Son, that game gonna watch you, baby!

"Watch me."

That's what I'm saying!

Now, that's how you make friends

around the office.

Now, get my creamer.

So you didn't get invited to a wedding. Who cares?

I'll make a cake and we can do the chicken dance.

And if I get drunk enough,

I'll probably even throw a garter at you.

It's not that I didn't get invited to the wedding, mom.

It's that I didn't get invited because everyone thinks

that I think that I'm better than they are.

Of course, I'm sure you are better than them.

Would you stop it? The only reason

you're saying that is 'cause you're my mom.

No. I simply have a realistic view of the world.

I'd never tell your sister she's better than other people.

I mean, she's better than some people.

Eh...

Mom, nobody is better than anyone else.

Oh, please, we rank everything.

What's the best restaurant.

What's the fastest car.

Which president was the hottest.

Kennedy had the looks,

but I'd go with Clinton in the sack.

So, why can't we rank people

so we know who deserves our attention?

Because it sounds evil.

Oh. Oh, stop being so dramatic.

It's the way of the world.

Think about when you were a kid and we'd go to the store.

We'd always stop and talk to the Bradshaws

because they had a trampoline in their backyard,

but we'd just give a quick wave to the Thompsons

because they had a trampoline in their front yard.

Yeah, I remember that, and we...

we barely waved at all to the Bowdens.

Yeah, that's because they had a car door

that was made entirely of duct tape.

Oh, my God.

You're the one who made me this way.

You raised me to walk-n-wave.

I raised you to know your place in the world.

- You're welcome. - No-no-no.

I don't think I'm better than anyone else.

I have to undo this.

Tomorrow, I am gonna stop and chat with everyone I see.

Even that blind janitor I usually tiptoe around.

I'm ashamed to say we once shared a large bathroom stall.

He still doesn't know.

Mom, can you help me with my math homework?

I want to get good with numbers in case my looks fade.

Yeah, sorry, honey.

I have to go teach my "yoga in the dark" class.

It's for large women who refuse to wear yoga pants

in the light of day.

Plus, I have to stop on the way

and pick up the motivational pizzas.

You should go ask grandpa.

Hey.

Why would you send her upstairs to talk to grandpa

when I'm sitting right here?

Um, sweetie, when it comes to academics,

I think, because you were home-schooled, on a commune,

by a teacher named Strawberry,

there might be some gaps in your education.

- Like what? - K through 12.

Look, for Mikayla's homework,

I just think dad's better qualified to help her.

Wait a second, there is no way your dad is smarter than me.

Adam, he was an engineer.

Okay, you know what, people keep saying that,

but I have never seen Tom the engineer. I've only seen

Tom, the guy who gets his head stuck in the mailbox.

I ordered a bust of mark twain

and wanted to see if it would fit.

By the way,

we owe the mailman a tube of chapstick.

He used his to grease my ears and slide me out.

Dad, he didn't mean...

And at least I'm smart enough not to talk about people

when they're in the room.

I'm sorry, Tom. I didn't mean you're not smart.

Oh, good, because it's preposterous

that you would think you're smarter than me.

I'm not sure that I would say

"it's preposterous."

No. They probably didn't use words that big on the commune.

Stop. This is not a competition,

and insults are not the way to prove who's smarter.

No, you're right, honey.

- We should take an IQ test. - I'm game.

Deb, find a test online.

I'll get my slide rule.

I'll find my brain crystals and thinking candle.

So, you know...

Oh, there's Doug.

He's perfect for the stop-n-chat.

If you want people to think you're down to earth,

let them see you talking to Doug.

Just be prepared... he's the kind of guy

that butters both sides of the bagel.

If you know what I mean.

I-I-I... I do not.

He puts butter on both sides of the bagel.

It's odd.

Hey, Doug Dynasty.

What kind of potato chips today?

Barbecue.

Sour cream and onion are my favorite,

but I didn't feel like I deserved my favorite today.

Well, you know who's all that and a bag of chips?

My boy, Nathan.

I'm going to lunch. You got this.

Two questions and a joke.

Hey, man.

So, Doug...

Doug-out...

Doug, Doug, goose.

You got big plans for the weekend?

You gonna... you gonna watch the game?

No. To be honest, uh,

I'm thinking about embarking

on one of life's greatest adventures.

Gonna propose to my girlfriend.

Just kind of sucks,

'cause I don't really have

anyone to talk to about it.

Kind of a serious subject to make a joke about.

Um... okay.

Well, uh...

Let's talk about it.

Oh, yeah, right.

Like you could understand my problems.

You're a fancy TV reporter.

I bet you don't even have one loose tooth.

No.

Doug, you and I are exactly the same.

Come on, so, uh...

You, um...

You picked out a ring yet?

No, I don't have any money.

Well, don't let that stop you.

I mean, you-you've got love and-and boyish good looks

and a real interesting PacMan watch.

And...

Oh, that's who that is.

Look, I'm sure you'll... you'll figure it out.

Well, I do have a ring of my grandmother's, but...

it's kind of complicated

'cause my mom doesn't like my girlfriend.

You know how moms can be.

Yeah, I do know how moms can be.

Mine lives with me.

What?!

Nate Miller lives with his mom?

Doug Dascal lives with his mom, too.