What We Do in the Shadows

Darling, are you okay?

Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.

Something is wrong with Laszlo.

It has been like this a few weeks now.

He just sits in the library, staring off into space.

I have never seen him like this before.

Ah, Laszlo, I've just been reading this book

about the Battle Of Quiberon Bay.

Could you explain to me the difference between

an Endymion-class frigate and a brigantine?

Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.

I fear I am to blame.

Laszlo is so worried about this hex

that is ruining my eternal life

that he is emotionally depleted.

Sadly, I think it is

because his world has been rocked

by the fact that I am in such a good place.

Actually, I keep having these dreams

where I'm a small child,

and Laszlo is... my daddy.

Oh, that is actually because that did happen, Colin Robinson.

I think I would remember Laszlo wiping my bottom.

- - It's 'cause he did.

Though, to be fair, that...

that is what's happening

in-in the dream.

- Ew. - Please stop.

Laszlo?

Laszlo?

Yeah, it's my fault.

Laszlo's been working so hard to figure out

why I'm not a full vampire yet.

- - And Laszlo hates defeat, so,

I think it's broken his brain.

Laszlo, I just want you to know that it's okay.

- You did your best. - Gizmo?

Ah. Yes. Yes, I'm here for you.

Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.

Even his libido is out of whack.

I mean, we are down to, like, only 16 fucks a week.

We are down to just three.

I can't even get enough of a rise out of him

for a mini-drain.

Oh, good Lord. Ooh!

Does the limited warranty cover the power cord, or just

- the main unit itself? - Ooh, I have been hammering

- so hard on these big nails. - Good one, Jimbo. You got me there.

- Yeah, no, I'd love to go on hold. Sure. - Ooh. Ooh.

- - Let's pound some rivets, baby.

Look what I found.

A big box of ships and pornography.

Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.

Ugh. Anything?

Remember: there are no stupid ideas,

just stupid people.

What do we know about Laszlo?

Guillermo, you spend

a lot of your life being very miserable and sad.

Do you have any ideas?

- Okay. - Is it all right if I pitch an idea?

What about if we threw Laszlo a roast?

Right? Where we all give funny speeches about Laszlo,

kind of tease him a little bit,

and it just makes him so happy for some reason?

- - Hold on!

- I've got one. - Yes?

- Nope. Lost it. -

What if... hear me out on this...

what if we threw Laszlo a roast?

Love that idea!

Now, this is an idea I like!

- I just said that. - How did you think of that?

- I said it so loud. - Well done, Colin.

No peeking, cheeky.

Surprise!

- -

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the official roast

of Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth!

Yes, Laszlo, this night is for you.

Just look at this crowd!

- - We gathered all

the people that love you into this one room.

And then when we saw all the empty chairs,

we decided to drag some randos in off the street to fill them!

- -

So many illustrious guests here on the dais tonight.

And also Colin Robinson.

- -

He got me. I got got.

Our neighbor Sean is here.

- Hey-yo! - Don't worry. We hypnotized him

so he's not gonna remember anything tomorrow.

- Seanie. - Seanie.

I see the great Baron Afanas is here this evening,

restored to his original splendor, thank goodness.

For a couple of years, the baron looked a lot like

if George Hamilton had had sex with some pork rinds.

- -

- Hmm. - I see that The Guide is also here.

So, everyone, please join me

in saluting the man of the hour,

the one, the only Laszlo Cravensworth.

- -

We've known each other so many, many years, you know.

We can practically finish each other's hand jobs.

- -

Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.

We are just getting started. It is your roast.

A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

- - It's Laszlo's roast.

- It is his... - Roast.

- It's Laszlo's... - Roast!

We'll be back right after this.

If you think the missionary position involves

lying on top of a missionary,

you might be a Laszlo Cravensworth!

- -

If the first thing you look for in a woman is your dick,

you might just be...

a Laszlo Cravensworth!

- -

If you think ejaculating onto the pillow counts

as "cooking your wife dinner," you might just be...

A Laszlo Cravensworth.

- -

- Women can be funny. -

- - Ooh.

Some describe Laszlo

- as a man of arts and letters. -

I can think of a couple of letters to describe Laszlo.

"F" and "W."

Uh, no, not "W." Uh, "U."

- - Sorry. It was supposed to be "F" and...

- - I think I'm just going

to tell a story.

A story called "The Aristocrats."

Ah, shit. Oh, I wasn't supposed to say the name till the end.

Forget I said the name of it.

Um, anyway, a father, a mother, a son

and a daughter walk into a talent agent's office.

And the... the father says,

"Boy, have I got an act for you!"

Uh, and the talent agent says, "Well, let's see it then."

Oh, and-and there's a... a dog.

Uh, the family dog. That's important to note.

- -

- - Up next, we have a man

who knows more about roasting than his beloved Arby's.

- -

- Hmm? - When this guy starts roasting a vampire,

you better bring a bun, and also some ketchup.

- -

I don't get it.

I did whisper to the baron that

it was Guillermo who opened the door

that let the sun come in to burn his body into bits, you know,

a few years ago because

he didn't know what the joke was.

And I was trying to help him, 'cause being left out of a joke,

it sucks.

So give it up for an expert

on raking 'em over the coals,

or should I say the foyer rug...

- Okay, okay. Thank you. -

And then I did also mention

that Guillermo had Van Helsing lineage.

That one just slipped out.

So, we are all here tonight to honor Laszlo Cravensworth.

Cravensworth? I'm more like,

Cravensworth-less.

- -

Might I say a word or two?

Yes, absolutely, Baron. Please vacate

the microphone for the baron. Please welcome a man

who knows quite a lot about... sick burns.

Baron Afanas.

- -

Look at this festive assembly.

All of us, gathered here together,

chuckling at jokes and silliness.

- - And jackanapery.

I guess there's only one thing left to say.

What is this shit?

- -

Very good.

You call yourselves vampires?

Bah. This entire evening has been nothing but

a pageant of insipid nonsense.

Yes.

Worshipping at the altar of your own mediocre frivolity.

A jester's hollow dance.

And who is laughing?

Yeah!

Vampires are supposed to have

blood orgies and slaughter circles.

Gah! You have all gone soft.

You even invited humans to this asinine affair.

All right, you know what? Sean is cool.