Roast on the Coast (Roasted: Verdens Sjoveste Ferie)

Welcome to Marbella. I'm Linda P and I'm the host in my summer residence,

where I invite five of my close comedian friends for a visit.

Shit!

-Is that the place? -It's a bloody drug cartel.

I'll take a dump in all the toilets.

I don't know who the fuck lives here. It must be soccer players or oil CEOs.

And apparently Linda P, I don't know.

During the day we'll have a good time.

Your cock is so close to my face.

In the evening, we have a show where my friends are allowed to mock each other.

Moreover, in front of an enthusiastic audience.

Give them a big hand!

On the last day, I'll take a seat in the hot chair, ready to be roasted.

Femi-Linda!

I promise you it'll be fun...

You smell really sweaty, huh?

-...tough... -It'll be the worst day of your life.

...a bit malicious...

-Fuck you! -It's a roast.

-But most of all... -No!

The world's most fun vacation.

ROAST ON THE COAST

-Linda, so good to see you. -You, too.

It can't be her house. I fucking refuse to believe it.

There aren't enough jobs in the world, even for Linda, to pay for this house.

-Isn't it great? -This is sickening.

Yeah, but it is also about buying while the market is down, right?

Now, you'll get a chance to settle in the house before I tell you

who will be the first to be roasted tonight.

-Welcome! -Thanks, Linda. Thank you.

This is exciting.

I just want to say good luck roasting me. I have no weak spots at all.

This place is insane. It's too crazy.

What's this? Whoa.

-God, this is huge. -Almost enough space for our egos.

Okay, there are several floors. What's going on?

The villa is fucking gorgeous. I love how she's decorated it.

What's going on here, man?

I'm positively surprised by how well things have gone for Linda.

No! Get off!

Mikkel Klint Thorius and Simon Talbot are two Golden Retrievers,

running around, smelling things and touching everything.

But I will tell you one thing,

it will be Dybvad or Ane that will take them for walks. It won't be me.

Hey! This is my favorite wine.

If there is something I love, it's the wine "Vin."

You're somewhat of a connoisseur. This is one of the good ones.

-Do you know about "Vin"? -It's a wine.

-Everyone gone to the bathroom? Yes? -Yes.

It's getting exciting, but even wilder?

The first one to be roasted tonight,

that's you, Simon Talbot.

I've broken into your house. There was a lot of cat food,

-and I packed a small suitcase. -Any medication?

I couldn't be sure, so hope I found Cyklonova or antifibrinolytic medicine.

It is crossing boundaries, Linda filling a suitcase with my private stuff.

It's setting the stage for some personal ammunition to be thrown around.

Besides the fact that you have galloping ADHD, you also have

you also have a lot of freaky illnesses.

I have been reading up on them on WebMD.

We all can do that. I've printed a small summary

-which is also in the suitcase. -Is this legal?

A little law or two have probably been violated.

I hoped it had been forgotten again.

But if so, let me remind you that Simon used to host Bingo Banko.

You've never looked more androgynous than on that picture.

It's fun to bully him for Bingo Banko. A huge success, but you still wanna go...

Such an entertaining program.

-Jehovah boy? -Yes. That's me in the uniform.

That is me. The Jehovah boy.

Let's go back to what I was called in elementary school.

And now I think everyone should be allowed to go nuts.

We'll make such harsh jokes that your nose starts bleeding? That must be the goal.

The Jehovah boy. Sounds like something you find on Youporn.

Damn, he's done a lot of shows.

Going to the US is pretty exciting.

Maybe because I wasn't

impressed. It was actually a bit

sad.

It is an Achilles' heel that I need to massage... It needs massaging.

It's obvious to address his huge failure in the USA.

Because it went so badly.

These are posters from his bald period.

I didn't realize that. I thought that was an aesthetic choice.

This is the first time I hear about this. I thought he'd let it grow.

Now that I know it required medical attention, I really want to touch on it.

I'm well aware he's a self-proclaimed nerd,

and I shouldn't be a gatekeeper for defining a nerd.

-Do you hold a grudge against him? -No.

As long as he knows

that every time he claims, "I'm the nerd," I look at him and think,

"Simon Talbot the nerd."

...I know it's because you were born too late.

But you didn't experience the ten years when it actually sucked to be a nerd.

You came into this where,

"I'm also a nerd. I've played Candy Crush,

"so I'm a gamer." Give it a rest!

It was actually a private issue, but he's a dad now. After a long time.

I've heard that this is something

that he needs time to process, before he can talk about it on stage.

So I think it'll do good if somebody else does.

I'm not going to talk about this.

I'll aim for his body. I can already feel it.

It's obvious because it's so broken.

There is plenty to go around on that body. Enough for two, I suppose.

His career is a roast in itself. His body is a roast in itself.

His past as a Jehovah's Witness is also a fucking roast in itself.

We could have done eight shows with Talbot.

I don't think we want the same thing.

Even if we both want to talk about his body.

It's always exciting to make fun of something Talbot hasn't joked about

because you know that if he's made jokes about it,

there's self-irony and it's fair game.

But you do want to get at something new and a bit of a sore spot.

So he can sit feeling a bit sore.

I am going to...

For all of you who don't know how fucked up he really is,

I'm going to present, in a totally scientific way,

-what's wrong with Simon Talbot. -Okay.

The big risk I'm taking is that this is something that really interests me.

I will out-nerd Simon Talbot.

I will out-nerd him so violently that it will take that identity away from him.

He finds it interesting to use foam swords because he's a hemophiliac.

That's the only reason for it.

We can't avoid touching on the same issues.

I think we'll have the same angle, but different punchlines.

I would like to make an unconventional roast.

So, since I know that the USA adventure is my topic,

I'm thinking, I'll write a damn song about how fucking bad it went.

What rhymes with stupid and ugly?

He believes I'm sweet. He thinks I'm nice. He doesn't think it's going to get ugly.

And then, whack...

The woodpecker hits him right between his ugly eyes

where there's plenty of space due to the width between his eyes.

He looks handicapped.

Hey, folks. Look what I found. Isn't it crazy?

Yeah, that's something you have when you own a house worth 150 million.

If anybody would start a water fight, it'd be Simon.

He's just a big fucking man-child.

Some in your coffee?

How hard do you have to throw water for your whole face to get bruised?

I'm making a huge effort to keep my dignity.

I'm opting out. I'm not interested. I don't find it amusing.

I am a fully grown man.

I believe I succeeded for the first 30 to 40 seconds.

Fire in the hole!

Ouch!

-I thought we were on the same team. -I covered you. You were in the way.

Having a good time? Who won?

-Do we look like winners? -Yeah, but I have...

Put on some dry clothes so you don't get sick.

-That's good. See you later. -See you later. Take care.

Let me hurry and get my phone out.

-Lasse is asking to get in the pool. -No. no, no.

I see it in his eyes. His mouth says no but his eyes say yes.

Boys and girls, you have a roast to finalize.

I feel like I need to go jump in Ane's bed now.

I feel it starting to tingle. You become a bit nervous.

I'm really looking forward to it, I have some hilarious material.

Well, I'm a really competitive person. I intend to win by being the best.

Just give it that extra push. Two hundred percent.

Or at least 150%.

One hundred twenty! At least 120%, and from there,

the only way is up.

Welcome to Roast on the Coast.

For the next six evenings, obnoxiousness will fly all over us,

and it will be simply wonderful.

I'll be selecting who delivered the best roast each night.

The very last night, one of the comedians will walk away with this beautiful...

This trophy.

And as the winner of Roast on the Coast.

Once all the comedians have roasted tonight, I will decide who did it best.

I will do that by using the SCL principle. Which is the surprises...

I personally think it's really great. Surprises...

Like approaches and themes.

Courage, who goes to the edge, and beyond,

where it hurts a bit. Right, Simon? And of course, the loudest Laughs.

-Talle-balle, may I call you that? -Preferably not, but yes.

-Do you have a final wish? -A final wish?

Remember me for who I was before this.

Well, I think we should get started. Right?

The night's first roaster is a man

who was photoshopped as a beaver on a show poster

without the need for many changes.

Tobias Dybvad, ladies and gentlemen.

It's always exciting to open the ball.

-Yes. -There's a little extra at play.

-Hello, my friend. -Hello, my good friend.

I'm so grateful that we're starting with you.

Because why not start with the easiest? Don't get me wrong.

I love you. God hates you.

Your body is useless. You are what in biblical terms would be called a draft.

-You left the Jehovah's Witnesses at 13? -Yes.

And it's not immediately funny, but you have to imagine

that it always looks funny to leave something when you're a toe walker.

It means that your Achilles' tendons are too short. I imagine

it must be like walking down a steep hill and try to avoid stepping on Lego bricks.

So God hates Talbot. That's why he's always the first to laugh,

in case the audience should be struck by lightning.

You tried to make it in the US. You said the idea was