Wings

GOD, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.

OH, HI, LOWELL.

I WAS JUST TALKING TO THE PLANE.

UH-HUH.

SEE, PILOTS FEEL SORT OF SPECIAL ABOUT THEIR PLANES.

INCREDIBLE.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY,

BUT IF YOU PUT YOUR HANDS LIKE SO,

YOU CAN ALMOST FEEL HER PUSHING EVER SO SLIGHTLY UPWARD.

LIKE SHE'S STRAINING TO GET IN THE AIR.

CAN'T SAY I BLAME HER.

WHEN YOU'RE UP THERE AND YOU'RE LOOKING DOWN,

EVERYTHING SORTA MAKES SENSE.

WELL, NOT IN AN INTELLECTUAL WAY, BUT KINDA SPIRITUALLY.

IT NEVER FAILS.

EVERY TIME I FLY,

I COME BACK A LITTLE SURER THERE'S A GOD.

I GO DOWN TO THE DUMP AND SHOOT RATS.

THEN YOU DO UNDERSTAND.

ANNOUNCING THE ARRIVAL OF SANDPIPER AIR FLIGHT 26,

NONSTOP SERVICE FROM BOSTON

TO OUR LOVELY ISLAND OF NANTUCKET.

UH, FOR THOSE OF YOU GOING OUT TO GREET ARRIVING PASSENGERS,

WE'VE LEARNED,

DUE TO ONE PARTICULARLY NASTY INCIDENT,

THAT IT'S BEST TO WAIT FOR THE PROPELLERS TO COME TO A COMPLETE STOP.

THANKS FOR FLYING SANDPIPER AIR.

HI, FAY. HI, JOE.

HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE TILL THE NEXT FLIGHT?

WELL, IT'S YOUR AIRLINE, JOE. YOU CAN LEAVE ANYTIME.

UH, BUT THE SCHEDULE SAYS 7 MINUTES.

YOU'VE GOT 6 PASSENGERS AND A CRATE OF LOBSTERS THAT HAVE TO BE DELIVERED ALIVE.

THE LOBSTERS, NOT THE PEOPLE.

ALTHOUGH I'M SURE THE PEOPLE WOULD APPRECIATE IT, TOO.

WELL, YEAH, I HAVEN'T LOST ONE YET. LOAD THEM UP.

I'M GONNA GRAB A QUICK BITE.

HEY, HACKETT.

WHAT, ROY?

THEY DELIVERED THIS TO MY AIRLINE BY MISTAKE. OH, THANKS.

IT'S FROM SOME LAWYERS. WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG?

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. THE HELL YOU DIDN'T!

YOU PARKED SO CLOSE TO MY EL CAMINO LAST NIGHT

I HAD TO CRAWL IN ON THE PASSENGER SIDE.

THAT GEAR SHIFT AND I HAD A MOMENT I'LL NEVER FORGET.

HEY, ROY, WHEN DID YOU GET THIS?

I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS LAST WEEK SOME TIME.

LOOK, UNLIKE YOU, HACKETT, I'M RUNNING A BIG OPERATION HERE.

CHECK THE TARMAC, BUDDY. I'VE GOT 6 PLANES, YOU GOT ONE.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PLAY POST OFFICE.

DAMN IT, ROY, THIS COULD BE IMPORTANT.

RIGHT, HACKETT, RIGHT.

THE DAY YOU GET AN IMPORTANT PIECE OF MAIL,

I'LL KISS YOUR BEHIND IN THE TOWN SQUARE AT HIGH NOON.

GIVEN UP ON THOSE DIAL-A-DATES, ROY?

HI, HELEN, I'D LIKE A B.L.T.

4 SLICES OF BACON, EXTRA CRISP.

WHOLE WHEAT, LIGHTLY TOASTED.

MUSTARD ON TOP, MAYONNAISE ON THE BOTTOM AND 2 PICKLES ON THE SIDE.

HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS GONNA ORDER THAT?

IT'S TUESDAY. YOU ALWAYS ORDER THAT ON TUESDAY.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION, TODAY HAPPENS TO BE...

WELL, THIS LOOKS GOOD.

WHOA. WHAT YOU GOT?

IT'S A LETTER FROM THE LAWYER

WHO HANDLED THINGS WHEN MY DAD DIED.

HE WAS INSTRUCTED TO SEND THIS PACKAGE TO ME

WHEN THE ESTATE WAS FINALLY SETTLED.

WELL, OPEN IT.

WELL, THERE'S A CATCH.

THIS LETTER SAYS, I'M ONLY SUPPOSED TO OPEN IT WITH MY BROTHER.

WELL, THAT'S THAT. WHAT?

WELL, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CALL HIM.

YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOUR BROTHER FOR 6 YEARS.

THAT IS A LONG TIME TO HOLD A GRUDGE.

WELL, NOT FOR YOU,

BUT MAYBE FOR THE AVERAGE PERSON.

I DO NOT HOLD A GRUDGE.

YOU'VE ALWAYS SAID THAT ABOUT ME. EVER SINCE WE WERE KIDS.

AND QUITE FRANKLY, I'VE ALWAYS RESENTED IT.

I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME THAT YOU GOT OVER THE FACT

THAT CAROL THE PIG DUMPED YOU AND MARRIED YOUR BROTHER.

CAROL IS NOT A PIG. AND I AM OVER IT.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD A BROTHER, JOE.

WELL, HE'S NOT SO MUCH A BROTHER

AS HE IS A PIECE OF POPCORN STUCK BETWEEN MY TEETH

FOR THE LAST 28 YEARS.

WE'RE NOT VERY CLOSE.

I WENT MY WAY AND BRIAN WENT HIS.

WITH A PIG.

STOP SAYING THAT.

I WILL IF YOU CALL HIM. NO WAY.

ALL RIGHT, HOW OLD WAS I WHEN I MOVED OUT HERE FROM TEXAS?

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT, 10. WHY?

OK. I THINK WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS LONG ENOUGH

THAT I CAN SAY TO YOU JUST BETWEEN THE TWO OF US,

CALL YOUR BROTHER, BUTTHEAD.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, I'LL CALL HIM.

GOOD. GOOD FOR YOU, JOE.

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT WHETHER YOUR BROTHER MARRIED A PIG

OR DIDN'T MARRY A PIG.

SHE IS NOT A PIG.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THAT YOU SHOULD HONOR YOUR FATHER'S LAST WORDS.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M NOT HONORING HIS LAST WORDS.

I'M HONORING HIS LAST WISHES.

HIS LAST WORDS WERE,

"SIT ON MY LAP, EYDIE."

HE THOUGHT I WAS EYDIE GORME.

I DON'T KNOW.

I GAVE IT A SHOT

AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

DEBORAH NORVILLE DOESN'T HAVE THE HUMANITY JANE PAULEY HAD.

SHE'S GONE, ROY. SHE'S GONE.

WE GO THROUGH THIS EVERY DAY.

JANE HAD 13 GOOD YEARS. BUT NOW, SHE'S GONE.

NOW, GET OVER IT.

I KNOW THAT UP HERE.

DOGGONE IT. BUT HOW DO YOU FILL THE VOID IN HERE?

HOW ABOUT A JELLY DOUGHNUT? JANE WHO?

OH.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

HI, I'M LOOKING FOR THE OWNER OF AEROMASS AIRLINES.

I'VE GOT TO SHAKE HIS HAND.

OH, THAT'D BE ME.

ROY BIGGINS. HI.

AND YOU ARE, UH... UH, CALL ME BRIAN.

BRIAN, RIGHT. I JUST CAME OFF ONE OF YOUR FLIGHTS

AND SIR, YOU ARE A GENIUS. I AM?

OH, YOU BETCHA. I MEAN, I'VE HEARD OF SOME

CREATIVE COST-CUTTING MEASURES BEFORE,

BUT GETTING RID OF THE LIFE JACKETS, IT'S INSPIRED.

SURE, TELL THEM THEY'RE UNDER THE SEATS BUT NOBODY EVER CHECKS.

SO WHY HAVE 'EM? THEY ARE TOO UNDER THE SEATS.

OH, SURE THEY ARE. SURE THEY ARE.

OH, AND GETTING A PILOT FRESH OUT OF FLIGHT SCHOOL

MUST HAVE SAVED YOU SOME SERIOUS COIN, HUH?

NICE KID, TOO.

HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS WITH HIM BEFORE THE FLIGHT.

IT'S TOO BAD ABOUT THAT EYE OPERATION THOUGH.

BUT LIKE HE SAID, HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE TO LOOK LEFT ANYWAY?

FOLKS, FOLKS, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I SEE YOU'VE MANAGED TO SLIP IN UNNOTICED.

JOEY!

DO YOU KNOW THIS GUY?

I'M AFRAID SO. HE'S MY BROTHER.

ROY BIGGINS, BRIAN HACKETT.

PLEASURE. HEY, SANSABELT SLACKS.

BOY, YOU MISS ONE ISSUE OF G.Q.

AND THE FASHION WORLD JUST PASSES YOU BY.

KEEP THIS GUY AWAY FROM ME.

FOLKS, FOLKS...

OH, BEEN TOO LONG, JOE.

YEAH. YEAH.

SO, HOW YOU BEEN?

FINE, BRIAN. AND YOU?

"FINE, BRIAN. AND YOU? FINE, BRIAN. AND YOU?"

PLEASE, JOE. TOO MUCH WARMTH.

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

UH, THIS PLACE NEVER CHANGES.

YOU, UH, YOU LOOK A LITTLE TIRED.

OH, NO, I'M FINE.

HEY, I KNOW YOU, JOE.

YOU'RE THE BEST PILOT AROUND BUT YOU'RE DOING TOO MUCH.

YOU'RE RUNNING THE OFFICE, YOU'RE FLYING THE PLANES.

YOU KEEP THIS PACE UP, YOU'RE GONNA END UP LIKE HOWARD HUGHES.

LOCKED IN A HOTEL ROOM,

SITTING ON KLEENEX, SUCKING APPLE SAUCE THROUGH A STRAW.

AIN'T THAT SOMETHIN'?

ALL THAT MONEY AND HIS HOBBIES ARE THE SAME AS MINE.

REALLY?

HE ALSO USED TO COLLECT TOENAIL CLIPPINGS

AND KEEP THEM IN A MASON JAR.

THIS IS UNCANNY.

WHO'S THAT? THAT'S LOWELL MATHER.

HE'S SORT OF A JACK-OF-ALL-TRADES AROUND HERE.

HIS FAMILY HAS LIVED ON THE ISLAND FOR 5 GENERATIONS.

AH! PROBABLY IN THE SAME ROOM.

WELL, SHALL WE GET DOWN TO BUSINESS AND FIND OUT WHAT POP LEFT US?

HEY, BRIAN!

HELEN? HELEN CHAPEL?

OH, MY GOD! YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

YOU'VE LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT. OH, I HAVE NOT.

MAYBE A POUND OR 2 OR 60.

HEY.

COME ON, BRIAN. HELEN'S BUSY.

NO, IT'S OK.

WELL, YOU'RE LOOKING PRETTY GOOD YOURSELF. WHAT'VE YOU BEEN DOING?

UH, I'M DOWN IN THE CARIBBEAN

FLYING CHARTER FOR THE RICH AND FAMOUS.

HMM. BUSINESS IS PICKIN' UP.

ALTHOUGH THE NORIEGA SPRING BARBECUE LOOKS A LITTLE IFFY.

SO WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT THAT CELLO OF YOURS WAS GOING TO GET YOU OFF THIS ROCK.

ONE DAY IT WILL. I PRACTICE ALL THE TIME. I GO TO MY AUDITIONS.

YOU KNOW, IN THE MEANTIME, I'M HERE. BRIAN, NOW.

HEY, JOEY, UH,

ARE YOU AND HELEN, MMM, YOU KNOW?

OF COURSE NOT. WE'RE FRIENDS.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? LOOK AT THAT BODY.

BRIAN, HOW CAN YOU THINK OF HER THAT WAY? SHE'S PRACTICALLY FAMILY.