Kidding

Previously on Kidding...

Pickles on Ice,

starring Mr. Pickles himself, as played

by gold medalist Tara Lipinski.

I want my head back.

Pickles on Ice requires a Mr. Pickles, Jeff.

Otherwise, it's just Tara Lipinski

ice dancing through a fever dream.

Here.

- Ecstasy! - He's some Croatian voice actor.

Hi, Havana?

Maddy, we're not getting divorced.

I promise.

This is Mr. Pickles-san.

He's gonna follow Uncle Jeff around for a few weeks

and then bring back what he learned to Japan.

English, eh...

mm... not amazing.

You speak English?

I'm not speaking English.

What the actual fuck?

I'm in remission.

I love you so much.

Now that I can

plan ahead, I'm sorry.

Those plans don't involve you.

It'sss all so beautiful!

Agh!

Quel fromage!

- Agh! - Mr. Pickles... agh!

Every pain needs a name.

Ah!

Excuse me. Hey.

What?

Uh, can I buy three chickens?

Some college kid put it together.

We're sending a cease-and-desist.

Quel fromage!

- Has Jeff seen this? - We don't know.

Please get this game taken down

before he does. It'll upset him.

You won't like him when he's upset.

Today through December eighth

at the Columbus City Convention Center,

Tara Lipinski Visits Pickle Barrel Falls On Ice!

Get your tickets now.

Hello?

Your father loves you, Jeff,

but he's going to animate you.

- Who is this? - He doesn't want to, but he will.

He's asking all around Eastern Europe,

where talent is cheap and plentiful,

trying to find a voice like yours.

Am I on the radio?

He wanted me to call and threaten you.

I said no. I'm your friend.

But there are hundreds like me, Jeff.

Time's running out. It's not too late.

Listen to your father, Jeff.

Fall in line, Jeff.

Your entire existence is at stake!

Please, Jeff!

I learn English from watching your show.

Hello.

Listen, fucko.

Don't listen to that other guy.

He's crazy. I need this job.

I have a large Serbian family.

Little Ognjen needs his sarma!

Blow your fucking brains out.

I want to see your skull fragments

bounce off the White House windows!

Make me cartoon, pickle man.

Make me cartoon!

Please leave me alone.

Oops, you got me!

It's all so beautiful!

What are you guys playing?

I need something from you.

I spoke to our lawyers.

They're getting it taken down immediately.

Getting what taken down immediately?

Nothing.

Is the Pickles on Ice-tacular sold out?

Because St. Joan's said that I could

take 20 of my sick little pickle pals.

One of them, Brian,

has Landau-Kleffner syndrome.

His wish was to meet Ms. Lipinski.

I promised I would grant it.

What happened to my office, Jeff?

Did you do that?

Did you call several Serbian Jeffs?

I'm worried Vivian breaking up with you

the way she did has put you in a particularly dark place.

A woman is gonna live!

It's a miracle. We should be happy for her.

I know I am!

Tell you what: don't go to D.C. next week,

and I'll rethink turning you into a cartoon.

You're not turning me into a cartoon,

and I am going to D.C.,

because I have to light the national tree.

I don't want you on live TV.

You're in too much pain.

I stood behind that podium

months after my son died,

and nobody tried to stop me.

I don't see why some

run-of-the-mill breakup suddenly tips the scales.

I'm beginning to think that last year was a mistake,

and I'm sorry,

but last year, your eyes were soft.

Your voice was a Mormon trumpet,

a peaceful horn.

Now you are a bagpipe

of insanity.

This is not insanity.

This is how honesty looks

when you're inside out and upside down.

Jeff,

you're having a breakdown.

I'm having a breakthrough.

You know, I've never seen you lie,

except to yourself.

I'll get the tickets for the ice show.

I'm glad you're coming around to it.

It'sss all so... agh!

Quel fromage!

I need to know, did you have sexual relations

with the Japanese version of your brother?

Mr. Pickles-san is independently handsome.

He's your brother with subtitles.

I would rip you a new one if you had any asshole left.

Seriously, where do you get this stuff?

Me, a homosexual? I am the...

straightest dude I ever met. Go, Buckeyes.

We had that whole coded conversation

about pianos and clarinets!

I was talking about pianos and clarinets.

What-what-what were you talking about?

Your daughter saw her piano teacher

giving you a hand job in our driveway!

Oh, my God, who knows what she saw?

Rex is my friend.

Sure, we garden sometimes,

but there's nothing lurid going on between us.

You almost came out to me, Scott!

When?

That night in bed!

All I remember

is a night you wanted me

to name a happy child of divorce,

so think about that

before you become your mother.

You're gay.

You're gay. You're gay.

You're gay, gay, gay, gay, gay!

And my pussy needs attention.

My... pussy... needs... attention.

Can I go to Pop-Pop's?

Why do you hate me?

I don't hate you...

even when I hate you.

Don't forget your promise.

Yeah, I remember.

You promised you and Dad would always stay together.

I did say that. I remember.

Hi.

Hi.

Is that what you're wearing to the premiere?

Mommy's not coming.

No, Scott's in an...

he's in one of his moods.

I think he's depressed.

I love pussy!

Hey, it's gonna be okay.

- Is it? - Yes.

That's good.

Did you really think you could commit

such a blatant infidelity

- without any consequences? - I'm sorry.

I wasn't thinking. I was selfish.

I'm a terrible person.

A child lives in this house, Deirdre.

We'll tell her you're away on a trip.

Fine, you should tell her.

I'm a terrible liar. Oh.

Ohayo gozaimasu.

He needs to find another place to sleep.

I agree.

He's overstayed his welcome.

A-and seriously, how much longer

do you need to stay here?

It-it-it's a puppet show.

You're not learning the ways of the freaking Jedi.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, fuck you.

God damn it.

I think we should fuck.